Good Luck with those Ducks!

Terri keeps saying that she needs to start exercising; and she will, once she gets a gym membership, and buys some home gym equipment. Then, she’ll need to get some new workout clothes and a few pairs of shoes. How can she ever get started when it’s just so expensive?

Every day as he pulls into the parking lot, Paul dreams of getting a new job. But those dreams are deferred. Between his current job and his family he simply does not have the time. He’d have to rework his resume, get a few new suits to interview in, and possibly hire a head hunter. It wouldn’t hurt, if he took a few classes at the community college to brush up on Excel and Access first.  Who has time to put together a long, protracted job search?

Both Terri and Paul want all their ‘ducks in a row’ before they begin. And let’s be honest, both of them have a lot of ducks. The phrase refers to a shooting range. You have to have all the little wooden ducks in a row for the person to shoot at. Yet, life isn’t a shooting range. In real life, ducks don’t line up in straight rows, yet we try in vain to line all of our hypothetical duck in a perfect line.

The truth is that getting those ducks in a row or waiting until the stars are in perfect alignment is really just a form of procrastination. It’s an elaborate way to keep you from doing what you know you should do. It’s procrastination cloaked in a pretty blanket of good intentions.

Terri doesn’t need a gym membership or a designer wardrobe to begin exercising. She needs some comfortable clothing and shoes so she can begin walking. Paul’s job search doesn’t have to be another job; he could spend a few minutes each day reworking his resume. Then over the course of several nights, he could upload it to one job search site at a time.

The need to overhaul isn’t confined to just exercise and job search. You can find it in any area where one wants to make a change. By making a big change even more massive in our minds, we stop ourselves from even really making an attempt at it.

 The need to overhaul is rooted in the notion that change has to be radical. It has to be a personal revolution. The root of revolution is to revolt. To revolt is to go again something. And often times, it’s our inner being, who is happy with the status quo and who revolts at our attempts at massive change.

The opposite of revolution is evolution. Evolution is a much slower but equally powerful process. To evolve is to go through a slow and peaceful process of change. Slower changes are easier for us to accept and therefore more likely to stick.

There used to be a commercial that said, “You can’t fool Mother Nature.” Well, she can’t be rushed either. Despite our technological advances, it still takes roughly nine months for a baby to grow to full-term. It still takes a rose bush one to two months to bloom, but we think we can rush to change our own behaviors and habits.

It sounds sneaky but slower changes allow you to sneak up on your psyche and get those changes by it with a lot less resistance.

Going from zero to 60 miles an hour in five seconds is great for a car commercial but not so great in real life. Massive change, especially physical change, can be jarring to your body, even injurious. Ever try quitting caffeine cold turkey? The headaches and irritability can be terrible. Gradual is better.

Slower change is always better than rapid change. When you try to change too rapidly, you’ll run into more resistance, more overwhelm and more frustration. The goal with any goal is to stick with it until you get the results you want. In order to do that you need to find ways to make it easier to stick with the plan than it is to quit it.

DAD = Dependable and Devoted

There is a lot of talk nowadays about what makes a good father. All too often the role of father has been negated or reduced to just a financial obligation. However, fathers, and father-figures, can and do play an invaluable role in the lives of children. It’s a role that doesn’t stop when a child turns 18, but that lasts a lifetime.

So in honor of Father’s Day, I want to take a moment to talk about two qualities good dads share.

Dad is dependable. He shows up when he says he’s going to show up. He does what he says he’s going to do. His word truly is his bond. Children crave certainty and security and the good dad recognizes that promises he makes are meant to be kept. Sure, things do come up and not every promise can be kept. Yet when those times arise, Dad has shown up often enough that those rare occasions can be forgiven.

Basically, Dads strive not to disappoint. They recognize that their child takes their words seriously so they will move heaven and earth to be there for their children. They can be counted on. When necessary, they, like the good mom, will go without so their children won’t have to. Kids that grow up with dependable parents often grow into people who can be depended on. They have seen a great example and they, in turn, become reliable, dependable adults.

Dad is devoted. His love for his children is never questioned – not by the child and not by others. He is there to support and encourage, to offer assistance and advice and to love and to listen. This doesn’t mean that he doesn’t ever feel impatient or angry or disappointed, of course he does, he’s human. Yet despite setbacks and heartaches, he always comes back. After all, dad is devoted.

So Happy Father’s Day to all the D.A.D’s out there. You deserve a special day for all of the special days you have given.

We Got the Magic!

I am a music competition junkie. I watch American Idol, The Voice and The X-Factor. So naturally, I’m now watching Duets. During the first week, all of the judges (Robin Thicke, John Legend, Kelly Clarkson and Jennifer Nettles (from the band Sugarland)), sang one of their hits with one of their unknown contestants.

Robin Thicke did one of my favorite songs of recent years, Magic. I love this song! 

What the heck does this have to do with life coaching you ask? Shouldn’t this entry go on my other blog, DivaSoulSista, which is all about movies and TV? Well, no.

I love this song because of its positive message. We’ve all got that magic. The second verse says, “All I got is concrete all around me /  But I can see the countryside / You can be rich when you’re poor/ Poor when you’re rich / It can be raining and I can make the sun shine.”

Check it out for yourself. This is a version he did with Mary J. Blige.

Oh and if you want to check out my other blog, it’s over at www.divasoulsista.blogspot.com

Welcome to My Nightmare!

My major was journalism in college. Okay, it was broadcast journalism. Still, writing is what I spend a lot of time doing. In my day job, as an instructional designer, I write manuals, job aids and eLearning courses. In my spare time, I write four blogs. I use my life coaching skills to blog and in my Get It Together Girl workbooks. So, I’m always writing. I love it. I’ve managed to craft a life around something that I love to do and as essential to my preservation as breathing. Everyone should be so lucky.

Over the years, I’ve witnessed, what I’ve always suspected, to be a decline in the importance of writing academically. Math and science take precedence. Teaching to the test is the rule and not the exception and most test don’t include writing. And, please don’t get me started as to what texting and spell check has done to the average person's writing ability!

In an article posted on MSN, my suspicions were confirmed. Please read the following article on the decline of writing. 

Click here to read the article.

Forest, Trees and Elephant Eaters

The saying ‘can’t see the forest for the trees’ is used to describe those detail-driven, exception-finding, micro-managing types among us. Those who are so consumed with the little things that not only do they miss the forest but often the trees too – focusing instead on the branches, leaves and even the roots! During Thanksgiving, the tree types, concentrate on creating a Martha Stewart-inspired centerpiece or carving the perfect turkey instead of spending time with friends and family or just enjoying the day.

Yet, there isn’t a good adage to describe the opposite phenomenon – those who get so completely overwhelmed by the overall size of the forest until something like a tree seems like a nothing. “Look at that forest! It’s so dense! How could one ever navigate through THAT! You could really get lost in there. I bet it gets really dark and creepy at night too.”

Before Thanksgiving arrives, forest types have already talked themselves out of cooking dinner. Think of the time it takes to cook the turkey, add to that the stuffing, the green beans, the sweet potatoes, the mashed potatoes and the rolls. Oh, and then there’s dessert, too! It’s just too much!

In fact, I maintain that many of us do both. You might be a tree when it comes to your job or scheduling tasks for the kids but hopelessly forest when it comes to being on time or lowering your credit card debt.

Don’t believe me? Review the following statements and see if you hear anything vaguely familiar.

• “Fifty pounds? I have to lose 50 pounds? That’s a small child! That’s 10 sacks of potatoes.”
• “I’ve smoked for 20 years, a pack a day. How will I ever change 20 years of smoking 20 cigarettes a day?”
• “We owe over $50,000. That’s more than I make in a year!”
• “It takes the average student over 4 years to get a degree going full-time. It’s going to take me a lifetime to finish going part-time.”
• “I can barely run up the stairs, how can I ever expect to run more than a tub of water?”

The problem with focusing on the forest is that when you see it in its awe-inspiring totality, it is a very scary place. It is massive. It seems impossible to tackle. Somehow we have to strike a balance. We have to see the forest for what it is and then realize that to make it through it will take one step, one tree at a time.

It’s a corny joke, but it’s true. “How do you eat an elephant?”

Easy. One bite at a time.

When it comes to the goals we set for ourselves, we can be very forest. The goal seems so big, so grand, so time-consuming, and so impossible that we could never, ever possibly accomplish it. Like that Thanksgiving dinner, we talk ourselves out of it before we even begin.

Having a plan is one way can be an antidote to overwhelm. Sit down and make a plan, create a path. Your steps become mini-goals and all of the sudden, you goal becomes doable, a lot more manageable.

A plan also helps you improve your focus. Focusing exclusively on the final outcome while ignoring the other, smaller, signs of progress can lead to frustration. Acknowledge when you achieve your smaller goals and you will be motivated to greater successes.

During a television interview, a marathon runner explained his approach to running. He said, “I don’t run 26 miles. I run one mile, 26 times. It’s easier that way.” We can all succeed my running a mile at a time.

Fill Up Your Piggy Banks!

There is a concept that I read in a Stephen Covey book that I thought was so profound in the basic way it explained establishing relationships. Each person in your life has an emotional bank account with you. Envision a line of piggy banks, one for each family member, friend, co-worker and others. With each positive action, kind word or gesture, you are making a deposit of goodwill into that piggy bank. However, for each time you don’t follow-through on a promise, you strike out in anger or speak negatively or rudely, you are making a withdrawal from that account.

Now, anyone that knows anything about money or math knows that you can’t make a $50 withdrawal from an account with a $5 balance.

The key to successful relationships in any realm (marriage, family, work, friendship) is to have a healthy and growing balance without to many large withdrawals. It’s true that none of us are perfect and a few withdrawals are inevitable. However, we should be quick to try to replenish that account as soon as possible.

Here is what irks me: people who have a negative balance or who just have never bothered to put anything into your bank but feel entitled to make large demands. Think of the professional athlete whose father left years ago, but who shows up after the multi-million dollar contract and wants to ‘reestablish the relationship.’ Maybe it’s the sibling who has a bad habit of selfishly taking time after time and lashes out in anger when you are finally emotionally or financially tapped out.

The amount of goodwill in that piggy bank far outweighs basic ‘roles.’ The fact that the person with the negative balance is a family member or friend does nothing to add to that bank balance. The relationship role means nothing if, over time, there have been too many withdrawals.

Likewise, length of time has nothing to do with the balance of that account. Recently, a co-worker was passed over for a promotion. She was angry and thought being on that job for over five years should have been enough. Adding insult to injury, the person who was promoted had been there for less than two years.

However, if she had looked a little deeper, the answer to the promotion would have become apparent. One stayed late and accepted extra assignments. One routinely came in late and took long lunches. One actively helped her co-workers, one would respond to request for help with “that’s not my job.” Basically, the one who got the job had a full piggy bank and the other’s was virtually empty.

Think of your rows of piggy banks? Which ones have a healthy balance and which ones need more of your attention?

Let It Go

There is a song by Erykah Badu called Bag Lady. For some reason, it popped into my mind this morning. The first line is “Bag Lady, you gon hurt your back/dragging all your bags like that.” She continues with a prediction that , “One day all them bags gone get in your way.” It’s clear by the chorus though that the Bag Lady isn’t some homeless woman but a regular woman carrying a lot of emotional baggage. Finally, she advises the Bag Lady to “pack light.”
What bags are weighing us down? Past failures, rejections, wounded pride, pain inflicted on us by others, we need to find a way to let it go.

Of course that is much easier said than done and anything emotional is often messy and anything but clear-cut. I think we have to start by doing two things: Acknowledging the situation and the feelings that go with it and being willing to change. Neither is easy or fun or clean. Yes, it will be a difficult, painful mess, but you have to go through that to get to the other side where things are better.

Acknowledging your situation isn’t easy for a variety of reasons. The first step is to name it.

“I am angry because __________”

“I am hurting because ____________.”

Acknowledgement puts in plain words what the situation is. The hard part about acknowledgement is that you might also have to acknowledge your role in the situation OR you may have to accept that you played no role in the situation.

About 15 years ago, at the height of my spending addiction, I came home to find the cable and the phone disconnected and a late payment of rent notice tacked to my front door. In the past, I’d blamed everything and everyone for my situation. My mom died. My parents didn’t teach me about money. My grandfather spoiled me. Credit cards targeted me. However, in that moment, I had to acknowledge that none of that baggage made me choose shoes and clothes over rent and bills. I did that.

On the other hand, I had a friend who suffered sexual abuse at the hands of a trusted relative. When she confided in a family member no one believed her, so she grew up thinking in some way it was her fault. For her, acknowledgement was seeing through adult eyes what she couldn’t see as a child. Acknowledging what had happened and the domino effect it created and recognizing that she was a child and what happened was in no part her fault. Acknowledgement for her was taking the guilt and blame off of her shoulders and placing it where it truly belonged.

After you acknowledge your situation and pain, you must be open, willing and ready to change. It sounds silly to think that some people wouldn’t want to exchange a painful situation for a better one but often times we do. If you have lived with that pain so long, you know it well. You understand it. You’ve grown comfortable with it. It’s your friend.

When you look ahead at that long, messy, painful road to healing, the instinct might be to hold on even tighter to your baggage. After all, you know it and you don’t know all that lies ahead. A lot of people never move past the fear because of … well, fear. The difference between those who let the baggage go and those that cannot is not the absence of fear. If you chose to put those bags down, you will most definitely feel fear … you have to move forward anyway. You’ve got a lot of bags already, so pick up the fear bag too and move ahead.

Here is the song that inspired this post along with the lyrics.