Knew Better? Do Better? ... Maybe

There is a saying I’ve heard very often over the years, “If people knew better, they would do better.” The logic being when people do things that are selfish or vindictive or harmful, it’s because they really don’t know any better. Something about that didn’t work for me – then I made one small change – “If people wanted better, they would do better.” 

 

You have to want better and the dirty truth is that some people don’t. They are satisfied where they are. It might not seem like a place where you want to be but it’s where they want to be. Even if they don’t seem happy, they don’t have any desire to put in the work to better. In other words, they don’t want it.

 

After I got out of college, I had a friend, who was dating a guy who I thought was all wrong for her. They had vicious and sometimes violent arguments. On more than a couple occasions, I received the late night crying call or had to go pick her up after he’d put her out. I pleaded with her to leave. It was toxic.

 

Then one day we went out to dinner and she said something that changed everything for me. I had started dating someone and I mentioned how nice it was to date someone and be on the same page without a lot of drama or arguing or suspicion. It was nice. She told me that what I had sounded boring to her.

 

I realized then that what I wanted for her was not what she wanted for herself. No amount of pleading or prayer was going to get her to change. She ended up having a child with this man and I think they are still together to this day.

 

We all have friends and family in desperate situations. They are hooked on drugs or alcohol, they linger in toxic relationships, or engage in chronic and detrimental spending, or it could be a host of other dramatic circumstances. We have to take an honest assessment and ask the hard question, “Do they want something better?”

 

The hard answer might be “No.”

 

If the answer is no, then we have to stop fighting their battles and allow them to live their lives in the way that they see fit – even if we know they are capable of better, even if we can see another way for them, even if we want it for them more than we want it for ourselves.

 

You can’t throw a life preserver to someone intent on drowning.

Getting to Goal: Staying the Course

It is my favorite time of the year! So this four-week series will focus on how to create and achieve Golden Goals ... goals you can't wait to accomplish!

 

You've done all of the hard work. This last post in the Getting to Goal series will be short and sweet. Here are three things to keep in mind as you go for your goal.

1. Life happens. You'll miss a few days of working out when you get sick. Unexpected car repairs will derail your savings plan. You will eat way too much on that night out with your friends. Accept it and move on. Your journey will not be flawless. It's okay. You'll fall down. You'll pick yourself back up. You'll move on.
2. Overnight success is a myth. Nothing happens overnight. Success happens over a series of nights: weeks, months, years of nights. Be prepared for the long haul. True success, real behavior change, the breaking of old habits, all of it takes a great deal of effort and a great deal of time.
3. Be a Team Player AND a Self-Starter. Having a team is essential but you also have to be able to go it alone. When your walking buddy wants to walk from the parking lot to the restaurant, you might have to start walking solo. Remember, this is your goal. It's up to you to make it happen.

I love goal-setting so much, I took a two-hour workskop I did on goal-setting and put it into a short workbook. Getting to Goal: Your Dreams, Your Desires, Your Way walks you through a holistic goal-setting process. When you are done, you will have two to three Golden Goals selected and a comprehensive plan for achieving them. Available on Kindle for $1.99 and in paperback for 6.99.

King Kong and the Unbearable Possibility of Falling

When I was a little girl, about seven years old, we went for a trip to New York City. It was fun. It was exciting. And when we got to The Empire State Building, it was terrifying. You see, in my mind, that was where King Kong lived and if we made it to the top, we wouldn’t be making it back down. I was panic-stricken. In fact, I was so scared, that over three decades later, when I rode the elevator back up to the top of the Empire State Building, my inner child experienced a little bit of that panic all over again. 

When you think about it, a lot of us experience that sort of fear – fear that feels crazy and irrational and all too real. What terrified me wasn't the reality of riding up to one of the city's tallest structures. What terrified me were the possibilities of what could have been. I could have been whacked off the building by one of Kong’s hands and hurdled down thousands of feet to my death. Maybe he would have done a Faye Rae and held me in the tightening grip of his primate paws. Maybe he would have chewed my head off (I didn’t know gorillas were herbivores at the time). 

Recently, a co-worker of mine had to fly to Chicago and make a five-minute presentation. All the bad possibilities ran though her head: what if she said the wrong thing, or didn’t include the right information, what if they asked her questions that she couldn’t answer? Even though she was prepared, she was still a bundle of nerves and anxiety. However, none of her fears came to pass. 

Imagination is neutral but we often use it to focus on the possible negative outcomes like getting killed by an oversized ape or flubbing a major presentation. We see those things so clearly and so vividly. Yet, we can also use our powers of imagination for good. What if my co-worker had used her imagination to focus on giving a great presentation? What if she replayed over and over, people giving her their rapt attention and congratulating her after her presentation was done? What if I had made friends with Kong and been the one to tame him and make him my friend? Think of all the nerves and anxiety that could have been avoided. 

There is a statistic that says 95% of the things we fear never come to pass. And if we manage to live to see another day then the 5% that do come to pass can’t be that bad.

Getting to Goal: Step-by-Step

It is my favorite time of the year! So this four-week series will focus on how to create and achieve Golden Goals ... goals you can't wait to accomplish!

 

You've got your Golden Goals and you have build success into your plan. You have your specific target, your motivation, your team, your Plan B. If we were taking a trip, you'd have your bags packed, the car would be gassed up and you'd be ready to go. The only thing left to do is get out your map, plot your course and start driving.

For this trip, you will be driving all day. Periodically, you'll stop. You'll stop for lunch, maybe you'll need to stretch and then you'll also need to stop for gas. Getting to goal is the same way. You'll have your steps that you take, but you'll also have milestones - mini-goals built within your goal - these will give you a bit of a breather and allow you to see how far you've come.

When planning your steps, it is a good idea to include dates. I could use the word deadlines but that has a lot of negative connotations. It makes the procrastinator within all of us want to turn and run. So I prefer to use dates. You want to take the date seriously, but if you need to push it back (or move it up), you have that flexibility.

Dates light the fire that keeps you moving towards your goal. They also help to keep your goal front and center. Set them realistically and take them seriously. Some dates are hard and fast. You have to have your college application in by a specific date. Others you have more control over, the date by which you want to have all of your college catalogs requested by. It's the flexible dates that will give you trouble. It is easy not to set any dates at all or just not to pay attemtion to them but these are the dates that will keep you on track and moving forward.

The bigger your goal is the more you'll need milestones. Milestones are mini-goals within your goal. Losing 50 pounds is a big deal. It can seem overwhelming. Yet, if you take it in 10 pound increments it makes it seem more manageable. By breaking your goal down and establishing milestones, you have a built-in opportunity to see the progress you are making.

As you accomplish your milestones, make sure to reward yourself. Celebrating your successes makes it easier to stay on course. Just make sure your reward doesn't impede your progress. Your reward for saving $200 shouldn't be a $200 shopping spree!

Assignment: Download this goal-planner worksheet and complete it. Make copies for each of your Golden Goals.

Next Week: Staying the course.

I love goal-setting so much, I took a two-hour workskop I did on goal-setting and put it into a short workbook. Getting to Goal: Your Dreams, Your Desires, Your Way walks you through a holistic goal-setting process. When you are done, you will have two to three Golden Goals selected and a comprehensive plan for achieving them. Available on Kindle for $1.99 and in paperback for 6.99.

You Want To Receive … Ask!

Ask and you shall receive. It sounds so simple. The problem is a lot of time, we forget the first part and then get bent out of shape when the second part doesn’t happen. 

While out with the girls one night, the conversation inevitably turned to men and one of the girls had a serious problem. She had just started dating this guy and … she wasn’t getting enough sex. Yes, I know this is a problem that many men wish they had! 

She was frustrated and infuriated! She explained that she had inferred, implied, alluded and insinuated. She had beaten around the bush, walked around the block and sent up smoke signals. But the one thing she didn’t do was ask! She never made her desires known. 

When I asked her why she hadn’t asked, she pouted and said, “Well, he should know.”

Huh? 

How would he know what she wanted, if she didn’t tell him? 

Think about all the problems that could be resolved, all the hurt feelings that could be spared and all the misunderstandings that could be avoided, if people would just ask for what they wanted.

• The boss should know you want the promotion or that you need the raise.
• Your friend should know that you don’t appreciate her always being late.
• Your neighbor should know how much that barking dog gets on your nerves.

Even if they should know it doesn’t hurt to ask for it. And I mean ask. Don’t be cute about it. Be adult about it - state it clearly and plainly (and of course, tactfully).

If you want the promotion, let your boss know. If tardiness or barking dogs works your nerves, make that known too. And, on behalf of men all over, I say; if you want more sex, let him know it! Ask and you shall receive!

Getting to Goal: I Love It When a Plan Comes Together!

It is my favorite time of the year! So this four-week series will focus on how to create and achieve Golden Goals ... goals you can't wait to accomplish!

Once you have selected two to three Golden Goals, you are on your way, but you aren't there yet. A goal without a plan is a resolution and, well, you know how those normally go! You need a plan and you need to do build success into that plan.

Building success is a S.N.A.P!

When planning for your goal, you goal should be ...

Specific: How much do you want to save? What debts do you want to eliminate and how much is each debt. How much weight do you want to lose? What do you want to major in when you go back to school? Be detailed and be specific. If you don't know what your target is, how will you know when you have hit it?

Necessary: List as many reasons you can as to why you must achieve this goal. These should be your reasons, not anyone else's. They should be able to keep you moving towards your goal when you get tired or experience a setback.

Assistance: No man is an island and no one achieves success in a vacuum. Who will help you reach your goal? Be prepared to ask the people you list to support you and tell them how you want them to do that. You might want someone to help you prepare a budget or a buddy to walk with in the evenings. Pick your team based on people's strengths and what you need from them.

Plan B: What are the most common obstacles you'll face? Now, how can you overcome them? What will you do to get back on track when you fall off? Many people list losing weight as a goal, but at some point, you'll reach for that Krispy Kreme donut (or three) and you'll roll over and/or you'll choose television over the treadmill. It's going to happen. When it does, recognize that it isn't failure, it's life. So be prepared and have a Plan B.

Assignment: Take your Golden Goals and use the S.N.A.P. method to make them specific and necessary. Figure out who you will go to for assistance and make your Plan Bs for the most common pitfalls you'll encounter.

Next Week: The journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single step (and then another, and another, ...)

I love goal-setting so much, I took a two-hour workskop I did on goal-setting and put it into a short workbook. Getting to Goal: Your Dreams, Your Desires, Your Way walks you through a holistic goal-setting process. When you are done, you will have two to three Golden Goals selected and a comprehensive plan for achieving them. Available on Kindle for $1.99 and in paperback for 6.99.

First Class Treatment

About four years I ago I went to Montana for work. After a very taxing week, it was finally time to go home. It had been a long day and by early evening, the only thing separating me from home was the four hour flight from Salt Lake City to Charlotte. I sat on the aisle in the first row of seats in the Coach section.

I had a perfect view into First Class where there were two very pleasant and attentive flight attendants for the handful of VIP passengers. Those in First Class had drinks before takeoff and just in general seemed to be having a good time being showered with extra attention. Meanwhile, just one row and a flimsy blue drape away, I sat in Coach among the crying children and cramped seats. I watched while they had snacks in First Class, more drinks and a nice hot meal with real silver and glassware.

And I waited in Coach, with over 70 people, who were also being served by two flight attendants, for almost two hours just to get a soda and pay top dollar for a cold fried chicken sandwich. When I asked for one of the Margaritas they'd been promoting, I was told they didn't have time to make one for me.

It occurred to me as I sat there eating my sandwich that we tend to treat our loved ones as if they are riding in Coach. Like those Coach flight attendants, we are often spread too thin with too many things to do and too many people to serve. No time to do anything extra. 

Yet every once in a while, it would be great if we could treat those we love to a little first class treatment. Run a hot bath for the hubby after a hard day. Give the wife a day off and treat her to dinner (or cook it yourself). Spend an evening with the kids doing something they absolutely love. Go get manicures with your best friend.

Believe me, a little first class treatment can go a long way.

Getting to Goal: Get Golden!

It is my favorite time of the year! So this four-week series will focus on how to create and achieve Golden Goals ... goals you can't wait to accomplish!

If you have been reading this blog for more than a year, you'd know that for me, the best holiday of the holiday season isn't Thanksgiving, Black Friday, or Christmas. It isn't Kwanzaa or Hanukkah either. It's New Years. I love New Years because like the name says, it's a new year. It's a time for fresh starts and clean slates. It's a time filled with optimism and forward thinking.

Every year, the practice of making New Year's resolutions falls a little more out of favor. Less than half of Americans actually make resolutions now! My theory is that failure is embedded within the concept of resolutions. We resolve to do something differently - to lose weight, get out of debt, start/end a relationship, find a new job. Yet, what is resolve? The dictionary says it is to decide to do something. Okay ... see the problem yet?

To make a major change (which is what most resolutions are) it takes a lot more than resolve. Deciding to do something is just the first step. Actually, the real first step isn't deciding to do something. The real first step is figuring out what you really want to do in the first place.

"What is she talking about?" you say to yourself as you read this. "Of course I want to lose weight /save money / buy a house / go back to school/ fill-in-the-blank." But do you?

You know you should stop smoking. However, your health isn't suffering. You like taking your smoke breaks at work. Basically, you are pretty content with the status quo. Yet, you really should stop smoking. So you resolve to do it because society and your mother says you should. Now, what are the chances that you will stop smoking? I'll tell you - slim to none.

Now, if you got winded playing with the kids or got a bad report from the doctor, you might decide for yourself that you are ready to stop. It's still going to be hard but you have those kids or your health to think about and you are ready to do this. Now, the chances of you kicking the habit are a lot greater.

So look at your goals and then decide which ones you are really excited about achieving for yourself. What are the goals you are motivated to achieve? It's okay to cross them off your list if you aren't willing to put in the time and the effort. It you aren't ready to do that, you won't achieve it anyway.

Notice, I call them goals and not resolutions. Once you think of a few goals you want to achieve, pick no more than three you want to go for. Choose more and you'll accomplish less. You want to set major goals that have major impact - goals that create a positive domino effect. I call them Golden Goals.

Getting a new job would be a Golden Goal. If you get a new job - making more money - you'll be able to pay off more bills, which means less financial stress and less bickering with the spouse about money. If you are lucky, you might have a more positive work environment which reduces work related stress and improves your outlook overall. So getting that job creates a host of other positive outcomes.

Assignment: For this week, your assignment is to select two to three Golden Goals. These will be goals you want for yourself, are motivated to achieve and would cause a positive domino effect in your life.

Next Monday:  The elements of a great plan.

I love goal-setting so much, I took a two-hour workskop I did on goal-setting and put it into a short workbook. Getting to Goal: Your Dreams, Your Desires, Your Way walks you through a holistic goal-setting process. When you are done, you will have two to three Golden Goals selected and a comprehensive plan for achieving them. Available on Kindle for $1.99 and in paperback for 6.99.

Whew! It's Over!

Well, we did it. We survived another Holiday Season. We got through the big Thanksgiving dinner. We took advantage of the Black Friday and Cyber Monday deals. We managed to get all the shopping done, coordinate with the relatives, make visits to Santa. We traveled. We hosted guests. We went to parties - office parties, school parties, church parties, neighbor's parties.We gave gifts. We got gifts. We exchanged gifts. We might have regifted gifts.

And this year, 2012, we also survived the End of the World (well at least according to the Mayan calendar). And now, it's over. Now, it's back to traffic, school and work. It's back to our old routines.

But, before we pick up where we left off, take a moment to breath. Seriously. This weekend take time to wind down before you get all wound up again. See a movie. Take a nap. Soak in a warm bath. Have a nice dinner out.

Celebrate the end of all the celebrations.