When YOU Know Best

When I was volunteering for a job readiness program, one of the things I really enjoyed was reviewing resumes. However, I could always tell who had relied blindly on the spelling and grammar checkers. I could tell because I would come across sentences that made absolutely no sense. The job seeker often knew the sentence wasn't correct, their defense was that they just went with the grammar checker.

The assumption was that the grammar checker knew better than they did. Who were they to question something that the computer said. The computer is always right, right? Well, no. The spell check is good if you are close to the word you are trying to spell. However, with a language as complicated as English, the grammar checker is only correct a fraction of the time.

It is interesting that people will often abdicate their common sense, smarts and instincts because something or someone has more credibility. We lose the ability to question. We assume that we don't know enough and rely on the advice of the 'expert', whether it is a software program or a professional.

I remember when I purchased my house. I had a sizable amount in savings. However, I knew that the money was already earmarked for a specific purpose. The mortgage lender pre-approved me for a lot more than I could afford. Sure, I had shared with them some of my larger expenses, but I knew what I had day-to-day. Had I purchased a home for what I'd been approved for, I would have been in foreclosure within six months. Despite what I was told, I knew I couldn't afford that much house.

A close relative almost started a painful and expensive round of treatments based on what her doctor had told her. Luckily, her daughter got her to seek a second and then a third opinion. It turns out that what the first doctor proposed wasn't necessary. If she hadn't questioned that first diagnosis, she'd be going down a painful and costly path that was completely unnecessary.

Whether it is a software program, a doctor, a financial professional or someone else with an air of authority, we have to have the courage to ask questions and seek the information that we need. Real professionals expect us to have questions and would not be offended by a second opinion.

At the end of the day, we are the ones that have to live with our decisions, so we need to make them with all of the information at our disposal.

You Have My Permission

Now, he's got the right idea!

You have my permission to do absolutely nothing. Go ahead ... veg out in front of the TV, take a long nap, have a cup of coffee and people watch, mediate, listen to some good music, go to a movie, take a drive, indulge in a little retail therapy.

For a moment, be the anti-Nike: Just Don't Do It. Put the work down. Forget about the chores. Just for one day, rip up the task list.

Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is nothing. Give yourself the time and space to rest, rejuvenate and recharge. Stop doing and spend a moment being. If you are like most of us, all you do is go, go, go; but there is no prize for all that non-stop activity. In fact, working so much eventually makes you less effective, more stressed, more susustible to colds, headaches and nagging illnesses.

So take a few deep breaths and do something you enjoy or just do nothing. A little down time will actually make you a better parent, employee, employer, friend and partner. Don't wait until you can take a vacation or until there is a holiday (that brings with it stressors of its own). Do something now. Make it something small and something easy. I guarantee it will make a big difference.

Know When to Say When

"Work hard, play hard"
"Burn the candle at both ends"
"No pain, no gain"

The value of hard work cannot be denied. America was founded on The Puritan Work Ethic and that's probably why we have longer work days and take fewer vacation days than several of our European counterparts.

Technology has only made this worst. I remember getting my first cell phone in 1998. My job gave it to me. At that time, I told my friends that I felt that cell phones and email were part of an insidious plot to keep people working all the time. They laughed. Now, they see that I was right!

An AOL survey (2007) showed that 83% of people check their email daily while on vacation. Many of them are checking work and personal email. I've taken business calls on Sunday and on weekdays as late as 10:30 p.m.

Working is great. It helps give life meaning. Although technology has changed our relationship with work, we still have to know when to say when. What I mean, is that it becomes more important than ever to set boundaries and listen to our bodies.

Just Stop. Working very long hours is impressive; it looks good. It shows your commitment. It is, sometimes, necessary. But the truth of the matter is that after a point, when you start getting tired, you are losing your effectiveness. The law of diminishing returns kicks in. You start getting less out of the work you put in. This is a great time to step away and get some rest. Come back early and start again fresher and with greater focus.

If you cannot, step away for an extended period (usually because a tight deadline is involved), shift gears and do something else for a few minutes. Take a break. Get some water. Take a brief and brisk walk. Make a phone call. Do something else and then switch back to your work.

Set boundaries. I cannot tell my boss what to do (if I want to keep a job! LOL!) However, I can dictate to others what my boundaries are. I have a number of freelance clients. I tell them from the beginning, I do not accept work calls after 7:00 p.m. on weekdays. I do not do weekends. If they need me on a weekend, they need to call me on a week day and schedule the time.

Listen to your body. These tips don't just apply to work. When you are at home cleaning, when you are exercising, when you are driving on a trip, it pays to listen to you body, you can only push it so far. Yes, there is something to be said for 'pushing through the pain' and the virtue of 'feeling the burn' when you are working out. But if you are paying attention, you also know when you are doing too much. Stop before you injure yourself or worst.

Pushing yourself is a good thing. Pushing beyond your limits isn't. Only you know you, you know what your limits are. The key is being honest and realistic with yourself.

How To Feel Pretty

A couple of years the Dove Organization, which runs The Campaign for Real Beauty, surveyed 3,000 women globally. Astoundingly, only 2% of those women considered themselves beautiful. I thought the same thing you are probably thinking right now. Beautiful sets the bar really high. What about cute, attractive or pretty? With other, less loaded words, the results weren’t much better: 9% went with attractive and 7% identified themselves as good-looking or cute, 5% were pretty.

The only two words to garner more than a 10% response were natural with 31% and average with 29%.

I know there is a lot back story involved with these numbers. As women, we don’t want to come across as vain or conceited, and I think that plays a significant role in why we shy away from words like beautiful and, to a lesser degree, pretty and attractive.

But, there is an underlying perception there as well, and that is that a lot of us just don’t feel attractive. We don’t, as the song from West Side Story says, “Feel Pretty.”

Growing up, as one of the few black girls in my class, I didn’t feel pretty. In fact, I felt down right ugly. A fact that was reinforced by several boys in my class who during gym in Middle School made sure I knew that, at least in their eyes, I was “black and ugly.”

I wrestled through high school, college and through my 20’s with this stigma. I even stood up a great guy in college because I just couldn’t believe that he would want to go out with me. I certainly couldn’t see anything good about me and I couldn’t see how anyone else could either.

When I look back, it pains me to see how many years I wasted settling for less because I didn’t feel or believe that I was worth, or deserved, more.

Then, one day, I guess you could say that I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I decided to work on my self esteem, really work on it. With time and a whole lot of effort, I realized that the ‘black and ugly’ seventh grade duckling with the braces and bad hair cut had become, in her own way, a swan.

Here is what I did:

I asked. I asked my closest friends to name something about me that was attractive. They told me I had a beautiful smile and happy, animated eyes. They told me I had a nice figure. They liked my smooth skin.

I looked. I looked in the mirror and at pictures of myself and slowly I began to see those very things. “You know,” I said to myself, “Years of braces paid off, I do have pretty, straight, white teeth. I do have a great smile.”

I was honest. I was honest in assessing that even with the eyes and the smile and the yada, yada, there were still some things about myself that I wasn’t crazy about and might never be crazy about but that was okay. Everyone has things they aren’t crazy about, even supermodels.

I focused. I focused on what I liked about myself and slowly, those positive things, and not the things I didn’t like, were where I focused my thinking.

I looked beyond. I looked beyond the physical. When I asked my friends what they found attractive in me, they went beyond the physical and I realized that I needed to do that too. Listening to them, I found that my dedication as a good friend, my sense of humor, and my willingness to help made me just as beautiful as a smile or bright eyes. And that to truly embrace my beauty I had to embrace the total package … inside and out.

So do I think I’m beautiful? Honestly, I’m part of the 98% that would not use that word to describe myself. But I will take cute, pretty or attractive. : )

Extreme Self-Care: Do It Now!

This is the last in a ten part series called, Extreme Self-Care: It’s Not Selfish!

We’ve talked about the importance of self-care. We’ve also discussed how you can find the time to care for yourself. Now that you have some suggestions and ideas, the next step is to put your ESC (Extreme Self-Care) plan into action. What will you do? When will you do it?

Think about it and write down the options that you can make time for and for which you can afford. Come up with at least five Extreme Self Care opportunities.

The benefit of having a number of options to chose from, is that if for some reason, you can’t do one extreme self act, you can chose another.

Your list could include:

1. Yoga
2. Making healthier food choices
3. Bi-weekly visits to the salon
4. Find and investigate a new park
5. Taking extended walks with the dog
6. Find a nice quiet place to eat lunch

Coming up with a list of options is the easy part. The hard part is putting those options into action. The words aren’t going to come off the page and beg you to do something with them. Instead they will sit there and whisper quietly to you.

In other words, it’s up to you to initiate your own plan. Your spouse or partner won’t do it. The kids certainly won’t do it. Your boss won’t even think about it. And your friends might not understand. It’s okay. While those around you may not understand or appreciate your choice to take care for yourself, they will benefit from your relaxed demeanor and increased sense of self.

Having said all that, I invite you to take the Extreme Self-Care challenge. For the next month, try one of the items on your list. Have fun with this. And if you care to share your experience back here on the blog.

Extreme Self-Care: In a Crunch

This is the ninth in a ten part series called, Extreme Self-Care: It’s Not Selfish!

It’s great to have an afternoon or an evening to yourself. It’s even better if you can have a whole day or a weekend, but let’s be honest. That’s not always realistic. In our busy lives, sometime, all you have is 30 minutes, or 15 minutes … maybe even 10 minutes. So here is a list of things you can do when you are short on time.

1. Walk the dog.
2. Take a quick walk around the block
3. Take a shower with your favorite shower gel
4. Sit in the car for a few minutes before going into the office or into the house
5. Get up 15 minutes earlier and enjoy the quiet before starting your day
6. Stay up 15 minutes later and enjoy a moment at the end of the day
7. Use your breaks or part of your lunch to enjoy quiet time (go for a walk, read a book in your car if you need to)
8. Stop for a quick cup of coffee on the way home.
9. Call an old friend and catch up while driving.
10. While running errands, stop into a favorite store and get yourself a little something.

What other ways can you think of to fit a little self-care into your busy day?

Extreme Self-Care: Partners in Care

This is the eighth in a ten part series called, Extreme Self-Care: It’s Not Selfish!

You are not alone. We all need to take time for self. Yet, sometimes you need some help in getting that time for yourself. Enlist the help of your spouse, your friends, your kids and your co-workers and help each other make the most of self care.

Have your partner take the kids out to the movies or to the park if you need a few hours to yourself. You can watch the kids later, if he wants to go to a sports bar or if she wants to go shopping with friends. You need self-care but so does your partner and working together to make sure both of you get your downtime can make your time together even more important.

If you are raising your kids on your own, it’s even more important that you have some time to yourself. You can reach out to family and friends to work with you to make sure you get that time to yourself. You can also make use of any time that you get to yourself … while the kids are in school or with friends or at their lessons.

Spending time with friends is a way of indulging in self-care. Self-Care doesn’t always need to be a solo experience. A Girls/Guy’s Night Out can be a fun way to let off steam and relax. Grab a friend and go out and do something you love to do together: hiking, swimming, shopping, lunch, spa visits, sporting events.

The important thing isn’t what you do or who you do it with but that you do it. Invest in yourself. Care for yourself.

Extreme Self-Care: In the Office

This is the seventh in a ten part series called, Extreme Self-Care: It’s Not Selfish!

We spend the majority of our waking hours consumed with work. We are there five out of seven days. On those five days – we get up and spend our mornings preparing for and getting to work. We stay at work at least eight hours. Then we spend time commuting home from work, trying to leave work at work and then preparing for our next day at work. We spend more time with co-workers than we do with families. So finding out how to care for ourselves at work is critical.

On the Commute: Listen to your favorite CD or radio shows on the way to and from work. Maybe just enjoy the silence before you get home to a loud house full of kids! You might even want to use that time for a little prayer and meditation (of course, you don’t want to close your eyes while driving!).

During Lunch: Of course, you should have something health. But I say you should also have something yummy that you look forward to eating. Make the most of your lunch by eating it away from your desk and with co-workers you enjoy. When I worked in DC, I found a nice little park to steal away to and eat my lunch. It was great to have a peaceful and beautiful outside experience in the middle of my day. I also have had a favorite restaurant close by I can go to and enjoy.

During Breaks: I am a big proponent of getting away from the desk, or the cube whenever possible. I get a big boost when I take a short walk during my breaks. You can also use breaks to talk and reconnect with work friends.

During my Coach University training, one of my instructors gave me a great way to remember to take care of yourself. Use the ESC key on your keyboard as a reminder to engage in Extreme Self-Care!

Extreme Self-Care: When You Look Good ...

This is the sixth in a ten part series called, Extreme Self-Care: It’s Not Selfish!


It’s called The Lipstick Effect. Basically, in tough economic times, when they can’t afford life’s more expensive luxuries, women turn to lipstick to feel good. This phenomenon can be traced as far back as The Great Depression. And, after 9/11, lipstick sales shot up. The Lipstick Effect is also felt with women recovering from catastrophic illnesses. As they begin to feel better, one of the first things they reach for is that trusty tube of lipstick.

Incredibly, almost instinctively, we recognize that feeling better is linked to looking better. Even if you prefer a natural look at slather your lips with Chapstick instead of lipstick, no one can deny the pick-me-up that comes with a favorite outfit, a good haircut or a whiff of a favorite scent.

Whether its jeans and a pair of sneakers, a sexy pair of heels and a pencil skirt or a favorite floral dress for summer, slipping into something that makes you feel good is an essential part of caring for yourself.

Looking your best is a boost for your confidence and can give you a better outlook on life.
You don’t have to be a shopaholic or break the bank to look good. Go through your closet and find your favorite outfits and accessories. Make periodic visits to your hairstylist. Invest in a good conditioner, shampoos and products you can use between visits. You don’t have to get manicures and pedicures on a weekly basis. Learn to buff and paint your own nails and get a Ped-Egg to make your feet stay in shape between visits.

And smile. It’s your best accessory! The act of smiling is an automatic mood enhancer.

Extreme Self-Care: Self-Care on a Budget

This is the fourth in a ten part series called, Extreme Self-Care: It’s Not Selfish!

In this economy, times are tight. People are losing jobs and desperately trying to hold on to what they’ve got. As belts tighten, a lot of life’s luxuries are the first things to go. But as we’ve discussed, self-care isn’t a luxury but a necessity.

So what can we do to continue to take care of ourselves when money is a big issue? Here are some things to consider.

Find Free Resources: Like books? Bypass Borders and head for the local library. Libraries also have DVDs, CDs and Books On Tape available for free or at low cost. Make use of the public park to walk and take the kids outside to play. Most cities offer free concerts and the like, check the newspapers to find those free summer festivities. Most museums also have free evenings or at least offer discounts on certain nights.

You Can Still Eat Out: You might not be eating at Ruth Chris or McCormick and Schmick but that doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy an evening out. Look for restaurants where kids eat free. For instance, here in Charlotte, McAllister’s Deli offers a 'kids eat free' evening every Tuesday night. Also take time to find some nice local hideaways.

Use Coupons: You use them for groceries but you can also find coupons for local restaurants and even amusement parks.

Be Creative: Can’t afford the spa? Invite a friend over and do your own nails and facials. Spend a romantic evening in and cook a nice meal together. Have a game night. Get your partner to give you a massage.

Barter for Babysitting: Can’t afford a sitter? Find a friend and offer to care for their children one evening if they will do the same for you. Use your childless friends too, offer to do something for them in return for watching your kids for an evening.

The point is that while you can cut corners, cutting out your self-care is not an option. You can still take time for you without taking a big bite out of your budget!

Extreme Self-Care: Self-Care Isn’t Selfish

This is the third in a ten part series called, Extreme Self-Care: It’s Not Selfish!

We, especially women, but men too, spend a lot of time focusing on taking care of others. We want to be there for the kids, for family, for spouses, for work and co-workers, for social obligations, even for pets! We feel good and valuable when we are there for others; yet, we often feel guilty when we are there just for ourselves.


We feel bad if we take time for ourselves or indulge in something we enjoy. We feel guilty if we take a moment to rest. On the one hand, we live in such a fast-paced society that we feel that we always have to be doing something. We can’t even just drive anymore without being on the phone, checking email on our Blackberrys or watching DVD’s! On the other hand, we put so much value on being there for others that it feels odd, almost wrong, for doing something for ourselves.


We like to be martyrs. We like to sacrifice and give to others. We consider it a badge of honor to give until we hurt. We think it’s a privilege to work ourselves senseless. But neither one is good for us in the long run.


We need to make time for rest and renewal on a regular basis. Stephen Covey, author of The 7 Habits for Highly Effective People calls it Sharpening the Saw. He gives the example of a man sawing a log. If the saw is dull, it could take over a half hour to saw the log. However, if that man took just 5 minutes to sharpen the saw first, that same log can be cut in 10 minutes. You can be more effective if you just take a little time to sharpen the saw.


You are that saw. When you take time for yourself: to read, to rest, to enjoy a bubble bath, have lunch with friends, to get a massage, watch a favorite movie, you are sharpening your saw. Taking time for yourself makes you less stressed, less susceptible to illness, more patient and more focused. Everyone around you benefits when you take care of you.


My friend Tee planned a great weekend for her and an old friend who was coming to town for a visit. Together, they went to the spa and got manicures, pedicures, massages and facials She’d been manied and pedied and massaged before but this was her first facial and she loved it. Tee was amazed at how relaxing that facial was!


It was a revelation for her. She realized it had been two years since her last massage. She realized that she didn’t have to wait until a vacation or a visit from an old friend to treat herself. She didn’t need a reason to feel that good. She has vowed to make the facial a regular part of her routine. In fact, she plans on looking for other ways to indulge and relax. Like the old ad says, she’s “worth it!”


Think of how relaxed and focused and energized you feel after a good vacation. Why have that feeling just once a year? Make a list of affordable and available things you can do to relax and sharpen your saw. And then do them. Take that walk in the park, enjoy that hot bath, make a lunch date with your favorite girlfriends, have a date night, curl up with a good book, get your hair done.


If you still feel that caring for yourself is selfish, look at it this way. Taking care of yourself makes it easier for you to care for others. Self-care is one of the most selfless things you can do.

Extreme Self-Care: Stating Your Needs

This is the second in a ten part series called, Extreme Self-Care: It’s Not Selfish!

No matter how long or how well someone knows you, even if they can, at times, can finish your sentences, incredibly, you cannot assume they know what you want or what you need. If you want it or if you need it, you are going to have to tell them. With words. Words that come out of your mouth.

We waste a lot of time, get a ton of signals crossed and nurse a lot of unnecessary wounds because we don’t tell people what we need. We expect them to know and then we get upset when they don’t.

The husband doesn’t know how tired you are and how much you just need a little break. Your friend doesn’t know that you are tired of going to the mall every weekend and would like to do something different. Your kid doesn’t know that you would like to spend a weekend without any of her friend’s sleeping over.

Most people aren’t good at picking up clues. They ignore the dramatic sighs or think that that scowl on your face has anything to do with them. The little flip comment you made went straight over their heads. Let me be clear: no one knows what you want unless you tell them. If you need to make an assumption, then assume that they don’t know what you want.

Last week, we talked about setting boundaries, stating your needs is another way of doing that same thing. When stating your needs, do so in a calm and direct manner. “Honey, it would be great if you could give me a little down time so I can transition from work to home. 15 minutes of alone time would be great. I can go into the den and you and the kids can have the rest of the house.” When in doubt, give more detail. Just saying ‘a little bit of downtime’ leaves too much room for erroneous interpretation.

Be direct. Be detailed. Be clear. Don’t wait until you are on the verge of a breakdown to state your needs. Once you start doing this, you will immediately see the benefits. It works at work as well as it does at home. If you need help with a project, ask. You might just get it. If you need clarification or additional time, make your needs known. When you suffer in silence, you suffer.

Even God said, “Ask and you shall receive.” If you don’t think I know what I’m talking about, take it from the Big Guy. The squeaky wheel gets the oil. So start squeaking!

Extreme Self-Care: Setting Boundaries

This is the first in a ten part series called, Extreme Self-Care: It’s Not Selfish!

“Good fences make good neighbors.” When it comes to neighbors, the fence sets up a boundary. The fence ensures privacy and makes the property line clear – each neighbor will know immediately if they have trespassed on their neighbors property. Fences make it easy to know and respect the other person’s property, privacy and space.

Too bad we don’t have personal fences around us. It’s difficult to know when we’ve crossed over into the other person’s space. It’s hard to know when we have gone too far and it’s even harder because most people won’t let you know immediately when you have crossed the line.

Often, we don’t make our own boundaries clear. We want to maintain positive relationships, so when someone does tread on us, by making too many demands, or not valuing our privacy, we grin and bear it. Grinning and bearing masks the mounting frustration we feel when the other person steps on us too much.

Not setting clear boundaries leave us feeling overworked, underappreciated and overextended. We say ‘yes’ when we should have said ‘no.’ We push things that we value off of our plates to accommodate the other person’s needs. As a result our needs take a back seat. In fact, often without clear boundaries, we run out of room and instead of occupying the backseat, we push our needs out of the car all together!

When our needs aren’t being met, we can’t be our best. Eventually, we snap at the spouse or significant other, we get impatient with the kids (or in traffic!), we lose our ability to focus at work, we don’t spend quality time with friends and family.

We are often reluctant to set boundaries because we don’t want a negative reaction or to cause conflict. I maintain that we are going to eventually get to a negative place once we’ve reached our limits. Besides, long before you blow up at someone else, you will have been feeling the effects of your lack of boundaries internally.

So, learn to say no with grace. Decline with a reason. Maybe you can’t do anything right now or maybe you can do something just not what is being asked. Be clear about what you can and cannot do. “I’m sorry funds are pretty tight right now and I cannot loan you the money.” “I would love to help you but with everything on my plate, I cannot coordinate the entire job fair, however, I would be glad to help you set things up the day of the fair and I could help you design a flier.”

By being clear about what you can and cannot do, you stay in control. You make your needs known. This can work, more often than not, with significant others, friends and even kids. Think about it, when you ask for something you know there is a risk that the person will say no. The person asking you for help knows that you might say no too.

Don’t feel guilty about stating your needs. If you get pushback at first, stand your ground and reiterate your point. You will not lose friends or family by standing your ground. Whatever inconvenience they feel will be short-lived. After you’ve done this a couple of times, they will get the point and get used to respecting your boundaries.