Boundaries

"Hello. My name is Karyn and I'm a people-pleaser."

Well, I'm a recovering people-pleaser and conflict-avoider. From childhood through most of my 20's, it was really important for everyone to like me. I bit my tongue a lot. I often gave in just to keep the peace. I held on to people that I needed to let go of because being liked and not having tensions and hurt feelings was so important.

But making everyone happy was exhausting. I was stretched too thin and stressed to my limit. That's when I realized that many of the people I was so intent on pleasing were not concerned with pleasing me. While I was busy trying to meet, and even exceed their needs, it wasn't being reciprocated. My needs were not being met. And I didn't even like some of these yahoos!

I finally asked myself : "What if everyone didn't like me?" Would my world fall apart? Would I suffer? Would I be alone and friendless? Would I become a modern-day Eleanor Rigby? What if I said, "No, I can't do that right now?" What if I said, "Sorry. I can't. I have some other things I have to take care of?" How bad could it be?

So I started saying no. I started setting boundaries. I decided what was acceptable for me and what was not. And you know what, it wasn't so bad. It wasn't bad at all. Truth be told, it felt good.

I'm not saying that I just walk around randomly saying no just to say no and to be difficult but if what's being asked of me is too expensive, too time-consuming, too difficult for me to manage or will put too much on my plate then I say no. I don't mind pleasing others as long as I'm pleasing myself as well.

Sure I can loan you $50 if I have it but if all I have until payday is $55, then the answer is no. Sure, I can babysit your kids at the last minute, but not if it involves changing plans I made months ago and am looking forward to.

I also started speaking up for myself. Since I still am not a big fan of conflict, I learned how to do it in a way that was tactful and respectful and not full of hostility and emotion. "No, it is not okay for you to raise your voice at me." "No, I don't appreciate you cancelling out on me at the last minute." Or in the case of my chronically late friends, "I don't like waiting over an hour and a half for you to get ready!" (and if you are reading this blog, you know who you are!)

The best part was that I didn't lose any of the people that I wanted in my life and the ones I did lose needed to get lost anyway.

Fear Questions

It's been said that 95% of the things we fear never happen. Yet, many of us let fear stop us from doing 95% of the things we want to do.

We fear what others will think: Will they laugh? Will I lose their love or their support? Will they try to sabotage me?

We fear failure: Will I look stupid? Will I lose money? What if I can't find enough business?

We fear success: What if I get so much business that I can't keep up? How will I handle the accounting and the taxes? What if I outgrow this space before the lease is up?

I think when we ask the right questions we can change fear from something that imprisons us to something that can empower us. One of the scariest experiences of my life occured while I was at work on day. I was sitting in my cubicle chatting with my boyfriend about our plans for the evening. After I hung up the phone, I had a thought that literally sent chills down my spine.

You know that you can be in this exact same position next year at this time. Same job (no promotion), same boyfriend (not fiance or husband), same car, same apartment (not a house of my own).

My fear was the fear of an unsatisfying status quo. What if things didn't change? What if I didn't do something different? What if nothing changed?

Six months later, I had left my job and moved to Los Anglees to pursue my screenwriting.
It's been four and a half years since I had that thought. Since then, I've had some wonderful experiences, met some amazing people and done some incredible things. Using that fear to make that major change made all of the difference.

Fear is real and it's natural. The key is to turn it from a fiend into a friend.