Succeeding with Saboteurs

For the five weeks in July, every Monday we'll deal with dealing with one type of difficult person.

If you have ever embarked on a diet, started an exercise regime or considered a career change, you have probably run into a saboteur. They are there with the cookies when you are trying to watch your eating, they want you to take a walk through the parking lot to happy hour instead of heading to the gym. They point out every potential risk in your new undertaking. Basically, when you need support the most, they not only refuse to give it but seek to derail you.

For the saboteur change is a bad thing. They want to maintain the status quo, change is to be avoided at all costs. Sometimes the urge to sabotage is based out of fear – fear your relationship will change, or even end, if you change. If you lose weight, maybe you’ll find someone else. Other times fear is of you wanting them to make a similar change. If you start working out, you’ll want them to start working out … and they don’t want to work out!

Maybe change would make things more difficult for them. You cutting back on your expenses would mean cutting back on shopping sprees with them. If you get another job, they will lose a valuable work ally.
Finally, your change might be holding up a mirror for them in their lives and, they might not like what they see. They want to do something different too. By you actually doing it, makes them wonder why they haven’t taken the initiative.

Regardless of why, you don’t want their efforts to derail your success.

1. Put them at ease. If you sense they are resisting your change out of fear, then assure them that you will still want them, need them and love them, regardless of the change. Once you have eased their fears, tell them how they can help you.
2. Let them know of the new status quo. While some things will change, others will remain the same. Maybe you won’t be buying as much, but you are still available for shopping trips with your friend. Even though your budget is changing, there are lots of fun things you can do.
3. Have a Plan B. There will be times when you give in to the saboteur’s efforts. So have a plan for getting back on track. Remember, success isn’t flawless, there are always setbacks. When you fall, get back up!
4. Get a team of supporters. For every saboteur, there should be at least one person you can turn to for support and encouragement. Lean on these people and allow them to bolster you when you are down, and when you can, return the favor!

Halloween!

A lot of kids love Halloween. They love the candy but some of them actually love being scared. As adults, looking at and living life, fear becomes ... well, something to fear. We have legitimate fears borne out of concerns and consequences, but sometimes we take it too far.


It makes sense to fear a dark alley in a bad neighborhood late at night. It makes sense to fear the repercussions of your boss when you find out the work you submitted was not the work he was looking for. Of course, it makes sense to fear for your kids and their well-being.


Yet, when we fear what others think, when we fear what might happen when the happening in question is way out of the realm of possibility, when we fear what we don't know just because we don't know it, we need to adopt a more fearless, dare I say, child-like approach.


In my early 20's I moved across the country to a city I'd never visited before. In a month, I managed to find work and an apartment. Over the next few months, I managed to make a few friends. About 6 months in, I was miserable. I hated it there. The job I took was supposed to be temporary until I found something else, but I wasn't finding anything. I wasn't close to any family, I wasn't making enough to afford a trip home, and my two new friends were planning moves back East. So after 9 months, I moved back.


Shortly after my arrival, an uncle told me that he and the rest of the family were disappointed because I didn't try hard enough. I asked him how long I would have had to stay there miserable before he would have felt better? I looked my fear of the unknown directly in the eye and stared him down. I had no regrets and I wasn't going to let his regrets hold me back.


I know people who avoid relationships, stay in relationships, and who refuse to even look for a job when there current job is making them miserable, because they fear what the unknown will look like. In there eyes, a little unhappiness beats the fear of stepping into the unknown.


Fear doesn't have to be enjoyed or reveled in, but it does need to be kept in perspective. Courage isn't moving forward with the lack of fear, it's moving forward in spite of it.

What Would You Do ...

A question motivational speakers often ask is “What would you do if you knew you could not fail?” In other words, if success were a foregone conclusion (which it never is), what would you do that you aren’t doing now? I think a better and more realistic question would be, “What would you do if you knew there was a good chance that you would fail?”

• Would you drive if you realized that there was a car accident in the United States every minute?
• Would you open a restaurant if you knew that six out of ten fail in the first three years
• Would you get married if you considered the 50% divorce rate?

It’s not about what you would do if you knew you wouldn’t fail. It’s about what you would do in spite of the possibility of failing. In my estimation the only way to prevent failure is to never do anything, and even then, there is no guarantee. Besides, never doing anything is a terrible way to live. Where’s the fun in that?

To find success, you have to confront the possibility of failure. Since you know it’s there, plan for it. Wear your seatbelt, don’t text and drive, take a defensive driving class. Will those things prevent you from ever having an accident? Of course not, but at least they will reduce your chances of causing one.

If you dream of opening your own restaurant, don’t let the statistics stop you. You’d be better off talking to successful and not-so-successful restaurateurs and finding out from them what you should and shouldn’t do. Do your research. Find a mentor. Do what you can to improve your odds.

When it comes to marriage, I’d say that up to half of the ones that ended in divorce should have never been married in the first place! When you look at it that way, the odds improve. LOL! Still talk to a marriage counselor and maybe to several couples who’ve been happily married for a while about what works for them and what pitfalls you should try to avoid.

My point is that failure is nothing to fear. There is always a possibility of failing, so be prepared. The only way you really can’t fail is in your dreams and eventually you need to wake up.

Ghost, Monsters and Demons! Oh My!

Halloween is a strange holdiay to me - a celebration of death and fear. I know there is a long history of how and why it came to be, but to me, it's still strange. It's easy to put a life coachy spin on some of the other holidays, but Halloween was challenging for me. Then it hit me, while some choose to dress up as ghosts and monsters, many of us are plagued by our own ghosts and monsters all year round.

We are haunted by the ghosts of past mistakes and choices we didn't make or paths we didn't take. We think of what we could have or should have done. When we spend too much time back there, we let those choices affect our present and even the decisions we make regarding our future.

The ghosts of our pasts try to convince us that we are doomed to repeat those same actions over again. The ghosts of our pasts disguise themselves as 'proof' of what we can and can't accomplish.

We need to perform an exorcism of sorts. By looking at our past mistakes, we can pull out the lessons that only hindsight can provide and gain important information that can keep us from making those old mistakes again. Armed with our newfound knowledge, we can banish our ghost for good.

Monsters are another story. Like Frankenstein, we create most of our monsters. We create them and before we know it, they have taken on a life and power of their own, wielding destruction and mayhem everywhere they go.

Our monsters - fears - fueled by our vivid imaginations, grow bigger and stronger. We play the what if game which quickly becomes a series of progressively more outlandish impluasabilities. Or we see the worst-case scenario in our mind's eye - assuming our fears would end in humiliation, failure or embarassment.

Killing monsters always involves something specific - a wooden stake through the heart, or being shot by a silver bullet. So we need to be specific when it comes to killing our monsters - finding a way to dismantle our fears.

It could be using our imaginative powers for good and seeing ourselves emerging from our fears in victory and with success. It could involve addressing our fears head-on and figuring out what those fears are trying to tell us. It could also involve taking baby steps to overcome our fears.

When there are our personal demons, the things we do and indulge in that quickly go from blessing to curse. I used to shop to relieve stress. However, the shopping got to a point where it got out-of-hand and became another source of stress. Our personal demons can be addictions or bad habits or toxic relationaships or inappropriate emotional responses.

Making a firm decision to exorcise your demons is the first step to erradicating them.

Exorcising our ghost and killing our monsters and slaying your demons can free you from fear, so your personal Halloween can be more treat than trick.

The Case for QWERTY

There is a common saying, often found on t-shirts and bumper stickers, it says, “S**t happens.” Yes, that does happen but so does something else that people regard in much the same way. Change. “Change happens.”

People are creatures of habit. Children thrive when they have some sort of structure or routine. Many of us enjoy structure at work or in our relationships. We like what we like and we know what we know. Goodness forbid, if we have to do something else.

We’d rather work harder at the same old thing, than climb the learning curve that will ultimately make us more effective, more productive or even happier. This is nothing new. Thomas Jefferson said, in the Declaration of Independence, “Experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed.” In other words, we’d rather suffer than take a chance and abolish that which makes us suffer. Why? Because we’d rather have the devil we know than the devil we don’t.

This doesn’t change the fact that change happens. Kids grow up, seasons change, friends grow apart, job responsibilities shift, marriages evolve, new models of cell phones and cars come out while other models are retired. Change happens, that much is sure. Unfortunately, the other ‘sure thing’ is that most people will fight that change tooth and nail.

We like what we like. We know what we know. Alternately, we don’t like what we don’t like and we don’t know what we don’t know … and not knowing, as well as the possibility of not liking, is scary.

Do me a favor. If you are reading this on your computer or a cell phone with a full keyboard, take a look at that keyboard. I can practically guarantee that you are looking at a Qwerty keyboard. The first six letters of the upper row on the left of your keyboard are Q-W-E-R-T-Y. It’s the computer (and typewriter) keyboard we’ve loved and known for decades.

Did you know, though, that there was another keyboard, invented in 1936, called the Dvorak Simplified Keyboard. Dvorak based his keyboard on what letters were used most and was supposed to make typing faster because the most commonly used keys were easier to reach and typing was evenly dispersed between right and left hands.

Dvorak was faster and easier. So what was the problem? Though cumbersome, people liked Qwerty. They knew Qwerty. So, even though there was a faster and quicker alternative, they rejected it because, as with most change, it represented something different, something that would take time to learn and master. It represented the devil they didn’t know.

The resistance to change is part of what makes it so difficult. If we would stop fighting it and give it a chance, we might find out that what we fear and what we don’t know isn’t half as bad as we thought it would be.

Fearful or Fearless

Fear is not always a bad thing. While fear can be a paralyzing force that prevents us from moving forward, fear can also serve as a signal, a big hint that something isn’t quite right. The key is to recognize the fear, take what we can from it and move on.

I keep in touch with a lot of people I’ve worked with at one point or another. Recently, I’ve talked to several people from an old job. One former coworker saw the writing on the wall. Over the past two years, she’s seen a number of her friends and co-workers lose their jobs. She’s seen the restructuring of departments and workloads. She’s watched morale plummet. So, slowly, about a year ago, she started putting together her exit plan. A month ago, they eliminated her position and transferred her to another job in another department. She felt as if things were going from bad to worse. She put her plan in action and when she called me, she was no longer working with our former employer.

Meanwhile, a few days later, another former co-worker from the same company called me. She’s fearful that she might be losing her job. She too has seen a number of her coworkers lose their jobs over the past two years. She’s seen how the new management has devalued the employees and in several cases, she’s seen some truly unethical behavior. Now, her supervisor seems to be targeting her. When I asked her what she was doing, she shrugged and said, “There’s nothing I can do but hope for the best.”

Her ‘hope’ plan goes like this. She hopes that she will keep her job. She hopes that if she doesn’t keep her job, at least she’ll get a severance package. She hopes she won’t have to look for a job so she is not circulating her resume or even checking any job boards. She’s afraid she won’t find something that pays her close to what she’s making now.

What’s the difference? Both women experienced fear. Both felt that their futures at the company were in jeopardy. One used fear as a motivator. Fear was the catalyst that got her to take action. The other used fear as a paralyzer. Her fear prevented her from taking action. It stopped her cold in her tracks. For her, I hope the hope plan words, because if it doesn’t…

Living a life without fear isn’t living a life. The issue isn’t getting rid of fear it’s learning to use fear. Learn from it. Listen to what it’s telling you. Use that information to move beyond it. Fear might never be a friend but it doesn’t have to be an enemy either.

The Fear Factor

I have a friend who works for one of the Big Three Automakers. We talked recently and she told me about the paralyzing fear that many of her co-workers have. Many of them have been with the company for decades and they don’t know what to do. With all that’s going on fear is a natural reaction but my friend told me that many of her co-workers have let fear consume them to the point where it has paralyzed them.

They are scared to look for something else because in many cases, this has been what they’ve known for so long that they are scared to take a chance somewhere else. At the same time, they are scared to stay where they are and they live throughout each day with the painful anxiety that comes while they wait for the axe to fall.

Another friend of mine is with a company that is downsizing. Yet, she’s scared to even look for something else. She knows her lack of a degree will prevent anyone from hiring her. So she stays put, not even exploring any other options. She hopes the 16 weeks of severance she thinks she’ll get will be enough.

None of us are immune from the power of fear. A few months ago, I made a very short-sighted financial move. The thing is; I knew it was a bad idea. But I was so scared of not doing anything and I felt I had to do something, so I made the move and continue to pay for the consequences months later.

Fear can be a debilitating, nerve-wrecking, soul-churning experience. What if’s snowball each one pessimistically worse than the one before it. It’s a quote that I’ve used before, “95% of the things we fear never come to pass.” Yet, the feeling of fear, the emotion of it, can be so strong that logical thinking is the first casualty of that snowball as it gains speed careening down that hill.

Granted, these are fearful times. Recession. Job losses and the threat of more job losses, the housing market, the stock market, there are real and legitimate things to fear. Yet we (me too) cannot let those fears get the better of us. So what can we do?

1. Get It Out. Confide in a good friend. Someone who can calm you do and point out the things that aren’t so bad. Maybe someone who can also help you sort through your options.
2. Look Up. Focus on the positive. A few months ago, I started keeping a gratitude journal. At the end of everyday, I write down things that occurred during that day that I am thankful and grateful for and appreciative of. Curiously, when I was in the midst of my own panic, I didn’t journal on those days. I wonder if I had, would changed my perspective enough to stop me from making the mistake I made.
3. Do something proactive and productive. My friend’s lack of a degree will prevent several companies from taking a serious look at her. But she’s got an impressive work history and a lot of companies can look past the degree to what she’s done and give her a chance. She won’t know that until she tries though.
4. Calm down. Pray. Talk to a friend. Do yoga. Take a walk. Cry. Do something to release some of that fearful emotion. You might not get rid of all of it but you might be able to take it down to a manageable level.

These are fearful times, indeed. But they weren't always so stressful and frustrating and they won't always be stressful and frustrating. As a friend told me, the only way to get through it is to go through it. So let's be kind to ourselves and support one another as we navigate our ways through these rough waters.

King Kong and the Unbearable Possibility of Falling

When I was a little girl, about seven years old, we went for a trip to New York City. It was fun. It was exciting. And when we got to The Empire State Building, it was terrifying. You see, in my mind, that was where King Kong lived and if we made it to the top, we wouldn’t be making it back down. I was panic-stricken. In fact, I was so scared, that 33 years later, when I rode the elevator back up to the top of the Empire State Building, my inner child experienced a little bit of that panic all over again.

When you think about it, a lot of us experience that sort of fear – fear that feels crazy and irrational and all too real. What terrified me wasn't the reality of riding up to one of the city's tallest structures. What terrified me were the possibilities of what could have been. I could have been whacked off the building by one of Kong’s hands and hurdled down thousands of feet to my death. Maybe he would have done a Faye Rae and held me in the tightening grip of his primate paws. Maybe he would have chewed my head off (I didn’t know gorillas were herbivores at the time).

A co-worker of mine had to fly to our home office last week and make a five-minute presentation. All the bad possibilities ran though her head: what if she said the wrong thing, or didn’t include the right information, what if they asked her questions that she couldn’t answer? Even though she was prepared, she was still a bundle of nerves and anxiety. However, none of her fears came to pass.

Imagination is neutral but we often use it to focus on the possible negative outcomes like getting killed by an oversized ape or flubbing a major presentation. We see those things so clearly and so vividly. Yet, we can also use our powers of imagination for good. What if my co-worker had used her imagination to focus on giving a great presentation? What if she replayed over and over, people giving her their rapt attention and congratulating her after her presentation was done? What if I could have made friends with Kong and been the one to tame him and make him my friend? Think of all the nerves and anxiety that could have been avoided.

There is a statistic that says 95% of the things we fear never come to pass. And if we manage to live to see another day then the 5% that do come to pass can’t be that bad.

Curb Level Aspirations

Recently, I’ve had the misfortune of dealing with a young man in my neighborhood who doesn’t have any respect for boundaries or for other people. Without going into too much detail, the police have been called twice. I now am forced to walk my dog with a leash in one hand and a can of pepper spray in the other while constantly looking over my shoulder.

When the police asked me to press charges, after the second incident, I did. Several people applauded me for taking a stand but I also got several responses that were unexpected and disheartening. I “shouldn’t be so eager to put another young black man into the system,” they said, as they sympathetically attempted to argue his side. Basically, since I wasn’t raped or beaten, I should cut him some slack. I don’t agree.

People should be accountable for their actions. The fact that there was a second incident more egregious than the first after the police had been called once already said it all to me. He has shown absolutely no remorse. In fact, he seems to think he’s entitled to trespass on my property and violate my personal boundaries.

I am not without compassion, but compassion shouldn’t be expected, it should be earned. What’s sad is that so many people assume that this boy can’t do any better and that he deserves a second, and a third and a fourth chance. I wonder what it would take for them to side with me? A severe beating? A rape? A murder?

You’ve heard it a thousand times, but it is true. No one rises to low expectations. I expect more from my neighbor. I expect him to act with courtesy and respect. I expect him not to engage in inappropriate behavior. I expect others to stand by me and demand more from this young man.
As a community, we have to demand more from ourselves and from each other. Life is hard. In some cases, it’s downright tragic but none of that gives people carte blache to act like a fool. It is not okay to violate another person. It is not okay to help yourself to someone else’s property. If we want more for ourselves, if we want more from our families, if we want more from our communities, we have to demand it and accept nothing less.

Young black men (or any men) don’t have to go to jail. It is not inevitable – neither is a life of crime or a life colored by poverty and despair.It’s not easy but we can overcome. As Obama would say, “Yes, we can!”

I hope my ordeal with this young man is over. I hope he learns several lessons from all of this. I hope he learns to have respect for other people. I hope he learns that there are consequences for every action – good and bad. I hope both he and his parents take this as a wake-up call and see this as an opportunity to do and be better. I hope this is the last time his name is uttered by the police.

I hope he sets his sights higher than the gutter and higher than curb level.

The Domino Effect

I was talking to a good friend of mine earlier today and she was riding high on a wave of confidence. Over the weekend, she overcame a major fear. She'd been taking swimming lessons with her son and during her last lesson, she told her instructor that she wanted to jump off the diving board.

Diving was something she had never tried, in fact, the idea of just swimming in the deep end scared her. Yet, before she knew it, she was standing on the board looking down into 11.5 feet of water. Then she did it. She literally 'took the plunge'.

She dove in and when she came back up, she did it again and then one more time after that.

Two days later at church, she got a ton of compliments on how good she looked. She called me today and told me with pride how she aced an interview she went on.

I could hear the confidence in her voice. She talked about her good couple of days and I pointed out to her that it wasn't luck. It was her own doing. She took the plunge and overcame a major fear. It was that pride and that confidence that her fellow churchgoers saw beaming from her. That confidence and those compliments as well as all the hard work and effort she's put into her job search, fueled her interview.

What she is experiencing is a positive domino effect.

Most people see a domino effect as a negative - one bad thing happens and then another and another. But it works in the positive as well. One good thing can lead to another good thing and another good thing after that.

My friend has a lot to be proud of because she took control of her situation. She didn't have to jump into the deep end but she did. She could have let the frustration of a protracted job search get to her, but she plugs away everyday always looking for new opportunties and ways to improve her portfolio, her resume and her job search techniques.

The hard work is starting to pay off and as all of these good dominoes start to fall, I can't wait to see what is in store for her next!

Fear Questions

It's been said that 95% of the things we fear never happen. Yet, many of us let fear stop us from doing 95% of the things we want to do.

We fear what others will think: Will they laugh? Will I lose their love or their support? Will they try to sabotage me?

We fear failure: Will I look stupid? Will I lose money? What if I can't find enough business?

We fear success: What if I get so much business that I can't keep up? How will I handle the accounting and the taxes? What if I outgrow this space before the lease is up?

I think when we ask the right questions we can change fear from something that imprisons us to something that can empower us. One of the scariest experiences of my life occured while I was at work on day. I was sitting in my cubicle chatting with my boyfriend about our plans for the evening. After I hung up the phone, I had a thought that literally sent chills down my spine.

You know that you can be in this exact same position next year at this time. Same job (no promotion), same boyfriend (not fiance or husband), same car, same apartment (not a house of my own).

My fear was the fear of an unsatisfying status quo. What if things didn't change? What if I didn't do something different? What if nothing changed?

Six months later, I had left my job and moved to Los Anglees to pursue my screenwriting.
It's been four and a half years since I had that thought. Since then, I've had some wonderful experiences, met some amazing people and done some incredible things. Using that fear to make that major change made all of the difference.

Fear is real and it's natural. The key is to turn it from a fiend into a friend.