Fearful or Fearless

Fear is not always a bad thing. While fear can be a paralyzing force that prevents us from moving forward, fear can also serve as a signal, a big hint that something isn’t quite right. The key is to recognize the fear, take what we can from it and move on.

I keep in touch with a lot of people I’ve worked with at one point or another. Recently, I’ve talked to several people from an old job. One former coworker saw the writing on the wall. Over the past two years, she’s seen a number of her friends and co-workers lose their jobs. She’s seen the restructuring of departments and workloads. She’s watched morale plummet. So, slowly, about a year ago, she started putting together her exit plan. A month ago, they eliminated her position and transferred her to another job in another department. She felt as if things were going from bad to worse. She put her plan in action and when she called me, she was no longer working with our former employer.

Meanwhile, a few days later, another former co-worker from the same company called me. She’s fearful that she might be losing her job. She too has seen a number of her coworkers lose their jobs over the past two years. She’s seen how the new management has devalued the employees and in several cases, she’s seen some truly unethical behavior. Now, her supervisor seems to be targeting her. When I asked her what she was doing, she shrugged and said, “There’s nothing I can do but hope for the best.”

Her ‘hope’ plan goes like this. She hopes that she will keep her job. She hopes that if she doesn’t keep her job, at least she’ll get a severance package. She hopes she won’t have to look for a job so she is not circulating her resume or even checking any job boards. She’s afraid she won’t find something that pays her close to what she’s making now.

What’s the difference? Both women experienced fear. Both felt that their futures at the company were in jeopardy. One used fear as a motivator. Fear was the catalyst that got her to take action. The other used fear as a paralyzer. Her fear prevented her from taking action. It stopped her cold in her tracks. For her, I hope the hope plan words, because if it doesn’t…

Living a life without fear isn’t living a life. The issue isn’t getting rid of fear it’s learning to use fear. Learn from it. Listen to what it’s telling you. Use that information to move beyond it. Fear might never be a friend but it doesn’t have to be an enemy either.

Giving Up Good For Great and Saying Goodbye to a Very Dear Friend

About a week or so ago, I wrote a blog about the difficulty I have saying no. Well, I’ve started integrating that word into my vocabulary. It hasn’t always been easy but it’s been worth it.

Whenever, I talked about taking items off of my plate, I talked about the smaller things. There was one big thing however, that I couldn’t even bear to think of parting with, although, my gut told me that I should. DivaSoulSista is a website I started 5 years ago to write movie reviews. I love movies. I love writing. It was a natural progression.

I designed the site. I created my own logo (and trademarked it). For the first three years, I even wrote all the reviews (then my friend Thomas joined me). It was and is my baby. But it takes a lot of time (seeing one to two and sometimes three movies every week) and lately it’s been taking on more expense as well – expenses that I pay out of pocket.

Right now, however, my strong desire, my passion, is to focus all my efforts on my coaching – being a better coach and growing my coaching practice. Yet whenever I sat down to think of the different projects that I needed to dump, there was one, I couldn’t bear to even think of, DivaSoulSista – my baby.

It’s been five years of my life and the creation of an incredible body of work. I’ve made lasting friendships through my site. It has been there for me consistently as I moved cross-country and back. DivaSoulSista has always been there for me - like a real sister.

But I did it. I picked up the phone and I called Thomas and told him that we’d put our last reviews to bed at the end of this year. The site will remain up and all 500 reviews will be available but we won’t be adding new ones.

I’m not saying 'goodbye', I’m saying 'sabbatical'. Hopefully, once I get my coaching growing and moving in the right direction, I can return to DivaSoulSista with the budget and the renewed energy I need to make it what it should have been and to build it up, but for now, I can’t.

I’ll be honest. This was difficult and I have shed my share of tears over it (I’m shedding some right now). As hard as it has been, it’s also been a big relief and I’m excited about what the future holds. Making the big decision was empowering and gave me the impetus I needed to get rid of a ton of other smaller stuff.

I feel lighter. I’ve looking forward to this immediate future and what it holds. I’m also looking a little further in the future and when I do, I see a little DivaSoulSista peeking out from around the corner, but for right now, she’s out of sight.

Zooming Out of the Zone!

I just returned from a fabulous cruise. It was my first and I had a blast. I think part of the reason my trip was so amazing was that I made the conscious decision to do some different things and go boldly outside of my comfort zone.

Normally, on a vacation, I rest, shop, maybe go out to a nightclub and do some sightseeing. Since this was my first cruise, I decided to make it a cruise of ‘first’ – or close to firsts. I am not afraid of heights but I’m not a big fan of them either. Nor, as a life-long non-swimmer, am I a big fan of water, but when looking at a list of activities to do in Key West, parasailing sounded like fun.

Another excursion that caught my eye was horseback riding. Now, I have ridden before, but not since summer day camp in the 3rd grade, so I counted that as a ‘first’ too – my first time on a horse as an adult!

The parasailing was an adventure. Out of all the people on the boat, only six of us signed up for it. And, all of us were women! There were two pairs of friends and Doris, another solo sailor. She and I paired up. When we got to the boat, there were six other people from another cruise ship that had docked. And our daring dozen set off.

It started with a beautiful and relaxing boat ride. Our guides were two handsome and charming men. They took us up two at a time. I won’t lie, watching people go from the end of the boat straight into the air with legs dangling, gave me a few moments of pause. Before we knew it, it was time for Doris and me to head up. With lifejacket on and harness secured, we were off!

Up in the air, it was truly magnificent – the water, the sky. It was quiet. There was a gentle breeze. And, any fear I had evaporated almost immediately. Doris and I agreed that it was definitely worth the cost of the excursion and then some. Our brief 10 minutes went by quickly and on the way down, they ‘dunked’ us in the water before they brought us in. Amazing!

The next day, it was horseback riding. Talk about fun. I convinced my sister and her friend, my step-mother, and my aunt and her husband to come with me. We were all outside of our comfort zones! My Aunt Linda - known for her impeccable make-up and hair, and flawless nails - had never ridden before, but she was up to the challenge. We rode for about two hours in the heat – laughing and joking as we listened to stories about the Mayans. It was truly a memorable experience.

Oh, and it wasn’t a first but I karaoked. Okay, I have done that before (twice actually) but it was the first time I’d ever sung anything in front of my family, outside of grade school choir. I sang on the first night and actually made it into the Talent Showcase we had on our last night aboard.

My trip was so much richer and so much more memorable because I took a few chances. I don’t think I’ll ever do a vacation, the ‘old’ way again. Now that I’ve gone outside of my normal zone, I’ll be looking for other opportunities to pull a Star Trek and boldly go where I haven’t gone before!

Fear Questions

It's been said that 95% of the things we fear never happen. Yet, many of us let fear stop us from doing 95% of the things we want to do.

We fear what others will think: Will they laugh? Will I lose their love or their support? Will they try to sabotage me?

We fear failure: Will I look stupid? Will I lose money? What if I can't find enough business?

We fear success: What if I get so much business that I can't keep up? How will I handle the accounting and the taxes? What if I outgrow this space before the lease is up?

I think when we ask the right questions we can change fear from something that imprisons us to something that can empower us. One of the scariest experiences of my life occured while I was at work on day. I was sitting in my cubicle chatting with my boyfriend about our plans for the evening. After I hung up the phone, I had a thought that literally sent chills down my spine.

You know that you can be in this exact same position next year at this time. Same job (no promotion), same boyfriend (not fiance or husband), same car, same apartment (not a house of my own).

My fear was the fear of an unsatisfying status quo. What if things didn't change? What if I didn't do something different? What if nothing changed?

Six months later, I had left my job and moved to Los Anglees to pursue my screenwriting.
It's been four and a half years since I had that thought. Since then, I've had some wonderful experiences, met some amazing people and done some incredible things. Using that fear to make that major change made all of the difference.

Fear is real and it's natural. The key is to turn it from a fiend into a friend.