Thursday, May 14, 2009

And then ... I cried.

As I write this, I am exhausted – mentally and emotionally exhausted. I’ve been on quite a roller coaster ride this past two weeks and it’s finally come to an end. I’m tired – physically tired.

Emotional stress can have quite an effect on your physical health. This week, I had difficulty sleeping. I experienced stomach problems. I had a hard time focusing. In general, I felt worn out and tired.

Exercise and diet helped a bit but I think it was also important to address emotional and mental health from the emotional and mental perspective.

This week for me that meant acceptance (mental) and emotional release.

I had set a very high bar for myself in terms of several things I wanted to accomplish. I tried and tried and did absolutely everything I could to get things to work out for me. Nothing worked. As the 11th hour approached, I realized that I had to make a very difficult decision. It was the best decision but it required me to give up (at least for now) something that was very important to me.

Mentally, I had to accept the reality of my situation. It was hard. It was painful. But, there really wasn’t anything else I could do. After spending weeks working on possible outcomes and running into dead ends and closed doors, I had to admit that there was nothing left for me to do. What I wanted was not going to work. I had to accept it.

And then, I cried.

I cried because I was tired. I cried because I was frustrated. I cried because I really, really, really wanted to find a way to make things work. I cried over my missed opportunity. But most of all, I cried because I needed to.

I suppose there is a time to be ‘strong’ or ‘stoic’ and keep that stiff upper lip. But for me, sometimes it’s better, even stronger, maybe even more courageous, to allow yourself to fully be present and feel the emotion. So I cried. I called a friend. I cried some more. Then I went to sleep knowing that tomorrow could be a better day.

The next morning, some of the disappointment from the previous day lingered. I was still tired; rarely can one night’s sleep make up for weeks of worry, stress and burning the candle at both ends. This day, I was tired but also a little relieved. The decision had been made. I might not have liked it but it was done and all there was to do know was to move on.

I was feeling better and that’s always a good place to begin.

1 comment:

Boni said...

Thank you for writing this post. I feel e-x-a-c-t-l-y the same way right now. Things are coming to a head and I have to make a decision and follow through on my commitments. Commitments to myself, spouse and daughter. I have procrastinated out of fear to really pursue my writing, thinking it is not good enough to pay the bills. I have procrastinated taking time for myself for self-care because I was constantly thinking about the chores that need to be done (that still are not done btw). I am overwhelmed at emotion and the answer is already known to me. I have to reconnect with myself. I have to take time out for me for self-care. Then follow-through and be consistent. Thank you for your posts. I hide from the emotions all the time because I feel like giving in to feeling them means I'm not strong. Your post reminds me that strength comes from being connected to the present moment and allowing myself to just be!