Without a Safety Net

No one wants to see anyone fall or fail. The very definition of family and friends involves supporting one another and helping each other get through the hard times. Yet, there are some times when the best thing we can do as a friend or family member is to remove the safety net of support and let someone fall.

When our help no longer helps, we are approaching that time. Your loved one could be dealing with addiction. They could be facing the consequences of some questionable decisions. They could just have a history of selfish behaviors that suck the life out of everyone around them.

We need to let our loved one face the consequences of their choices and behavior. When we play the role of the clean-up crew - mopping up messes and fixing what's broken - we remove the accountability from the person who's made the mess in the first place. We allow them to believe that their situation isn't as as bad as it really is. 

Removing support can, ironically, be the most supportive thing you can do. It allows the person to get a true, unvarnished look at themselves and their situation. However, removing support is not the same as removing love. When you love someone you want the best for them; you want to see them happy. Unfortunately, sometimes we need to let the other person go through the worst so they can get to the best.

At the same time you are removing support, you also want to be sure that you are seeking support - the support of family and friends who can be there for you during this difficult time. These are the people who will reaffirm your decision to love toughly when you have your doubts. They will be there with a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen. Having these people in your corner is essential.


Ultimately, we all have only one life to live and that is ours. We can't live for someone else, take their pain or right their wrongs. When you have done all you can do several times over, you have to let that person go. Hopefully, they will come back.

Time with Dad

My father made the trip from Cleveland to Charlotte last week. I love when he comes down because it’s the only Daddy-Daughter time we get together. Yes, I’m a 42-year old woman but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy time with my Daddy!

As a single woman with no significant significant other, we spent the first day and a half checking items off of my Daddy-Do list. When you don’t have a Honey to complete the Honey-Do tasks, you keep a list and wait for Dad to come to town! My father is a serious fix-it man and he enjoys taking care of those little repairs and household tasks. I also enjoy helping him. I always have. Over the years, I’ve become quite handy around the house and with the car and it all comes from watching and helping my dad.

We saw a movie. We walked together. I showed him around Charlotte. Basically, I enjoyed spending time with him. We talked and laughed and just enjoyed each other’s company. A while back, my dad was concerned that he couldn’t leave me a small fortune. He said he was getting older and he wanted to make sure I’d be okay if he was no longer here. His single-minded focus on ‘providing’ for me was having an adverse affect on our relationship.

I told him that he didn’t have to worry about ‘providing’ for me. I wasn’t concerned about him making lots of money for me as much as I was concerned about him making memories with me. First of all, I’m a grown woman and I do okay for myself. Secondly, if my Dad was no longer here, I’d rather have memories than money. We made a lot of good memories this weekend.

Once a Daddy’s Girl, always a Daddy’s Girl.

Big Brother Is Here

At the risk of sounding like a conspiracy theorist, you are being watched. You are always being watched. I’m not talking about hidden cameras; I’m talking about real people – watching – watching you!

At my last job, the recruiter would ask the receptionist about the people who had come in for interviews. Everyone knows to be nice to the recruiter, but a lot of people were rude to the receptionist because they didn’t think that she mattered. She did.

The receptionist got a more accurate picture of the interviewee than the recruiter ever would and her opinion carried weight.

Your kids are watching you. They are looking at you for their cues on how to behave. They want to see if you do what you say you are going to do. “Do as I say, not as I do” never works. Kids will inevitably do what they see you doing.

Your co-workers are watching you. If you are coming in late or slacking off at work, they might feel justified in doing the same thing and use you as their example. Of course, your boss is watching you too. She’s looking for dependability and a strong work ethic. She's looking to see if you are doing the job and how you interact with your co-workers, customers and others.

Your friends are watching you. They want to see how trustworthy you are. They want to know that you can be counted on when it counts. Your in-laws are watching you. I don’t know why but they are!

People are observing your actions all of the time just as you are observing theirs.

What you do matters. And it matters much more than what you say. If what you say and what you do are not consistent, people will defer to your actions over your words every time.

Big brother, big sister and everybody else is watching you! So act accordingly!

The Critical Eye

Over the course of my life, it is mind boggling to think of how much television I’ve watched. And I don’t think that is a bad thing. In my career and in my personal life, I’ve found television to be a strong unifier. I’ve used it create connections and to break the ice with people.

If I had kids, I wouldn’t be one of those parents who never let their kids watch television. I have fond memories of everything from Conjunction Junction to The Love Boat to What’s Happening. But times have changed.

When I was growing up, there were a handful of channels to choose from. Cable came along and gave us more choices but even that was nothing compared to what kids have to choose from today. With television standards becoming more and more lax in regards to language, sexuality and violence, it’s important that parents take an occasional look at what their children are watching. But this is the real world and the truth is that parents can’t always be there to police the television, or the computer for that matter. So it is just as important, if not more so, for adults (parents and others) to teach kids to look at what they watch, as well as what they listen to and read on the Internet, with a critical and questioning eye. In fact, all of us, adults as well as kids, could benefit from that.

Take one of the most popular trends in television today: reality TV. Many of these shows promote a lifestyle or a set of values that is misleading at best and dangerous at worst. Shows like Survivor and The Apprentice reward people for being manipulative and calculating while shows like MTV’s Sweet Sixteen and The Hills promote lavish lifestyles that even the stars often can’t afford.

The average American earns $885 a week (U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics). Working as a paid intern, as the girls on The Hills do, you’d be lucky to make that much. Yet, they often spend more than that on the handbag they carry in one episode.

The stars of My Sweet Sixteen routinely spend over six-figures on a party. As the sons and daughters of singers, actors and rappers, they can afford that kind of opulence; but most of the kids watching can’t.

As I said, banning television, or music or the Internet, is not a realistic option in today’s society nor do I think it’s a good idea. However, I do think that these kinds of shows give you a great opportunity to engage in some realistic talk with your kids.

Let them know how many hours an average intern making $10 an hour would have to work to afford a $500 pair of sunglasses, not to mention up to $2,000 a month for rent and a car payment of over $600.

When that Survivor or Apprentice contestant gets rewarded for double-crossing his opponent, it might be a good time to talk about the consequences for unethical behavior in the real world.
When people on television fall casually in bed with one another, let them know that African-Americans are disproportionately affected by HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases. Remind them that there are consequences involved in all of your actions.

You can’t always be with your kids but the knowledge you give them will stick with them even when you can’t.