Take Control

Any parent who has ever nagged a child about chores and homework has preached about the power of proactivity. Why can’t kids just do what they are supposed to do without being told! If you ask any manager, they’ll often have the same lament when it comes to their employees. Spouses complain about it too. It seems like a lot of us could learn a lesson in proactivity.


Being proactive means you are positive about taking action. Being proactive is about taking the initiative. In the real world, it involves not just knowing what needs to be done but doing it (without a lot of nagging). It involves looking clearly at your circumstances and deciding to take actions that will benefit you in the long run and thinking of the consequences of your actions or inaction before you act.


Procrastination is the enemy of proactivity. When we know what we need to do, yet put off doing it, we are not performing proactively. Often the difference between a person who attains their goals and one who doesn’t is the ability to push through the procrastination and do the things they don’t want to do but need to do. A dieter proactively passes on the burgers and fries and opts for a healthier choice. A writer pushes through the frustration of writer’s block and starts writing again. Proactivity is about seizing the power of now and doing what needs to be done, despite how they might feel about it.


The procrastinator looks for immediate comfort without much concern for long-term gain. Without considering the consequences, they focus on what feels good now. If now isn’t a good time, they think, then certainly later would be better. Sadly later rarely arrives.


Reactivity is the opposite of proactivity. We wait for something to happen and then we act. In many cases, we wait for something negative to happen and then we act. It takes a poor performance write-up to get the employee to take her work more seriously or the failing grade to propel the student to doing their homework. 


The problem with this approach is that although the work eventually gets done, the worker is starting at a deficit. They’ve handicapped themselves. It will be difficult to get a promotion with that bad write-up in your file. Likewise, an A-average will be dragged down by the poor grades in the past.


The other problem with a reactive response is that it is usually emotion-based. The reactive person is energized by those strong feelings, not realizing that they can cause more harm than good. I once knew a woman who reacted angrily to a work incident. She stewed in her righteous indignation all night and when she came back to work the next day, she let her boss have it! Of course, she’s no longer working there. In the heat of her emotions, she was unable to think clearly about the consequences of her actions. Had she thought about the real possibility of losing her job, she probably would have reacted differently.


Positive change begins with positive action. If you want something different or better for yourself, think about what you can do to proactively change your situation. Once you start to take control, you will be surprised at the results.

When Opportunity Knocks

If opportunity would knock today, would you a) Answer it b) Ignore it c) Ask it to come back another day. It’s an interesting question and one you should have an answer to, if for no other reason than you never know when that knock will come.

To me, the only answer to that question is A. You answer it. However, answering isn’t always easy. You have to be prepared for that knock. You have to know what you’ll do when you are standing face-to-face with the Big O (no, not Oprah! Opportunity!)

A lot of us simply ignore opportunity, we are just too busy  for it. We get mired down in the day-to-day that we can’t see the forest for the trees and we can’t even see the trees because we are focusing on raking up the leaves!

Then again, some of us don’t answer the door out of fear. Opportunity almost always involves the unknown. It means taking a chance or making a risky move. Since we can’t be 100% certain of the outcome we choose to stay where we are.

Some of us will answer but ask Opportunity to come back at a better time. We’d like it to come back when the kids are a little older, when we’ve had more time to prepare, have more money in the bank, or at some indefinable future date when we are certain that we’ll be ‘ready.’

The problem with ignoring or rescheduling Opportunity is that there is no guarantee it will come back. It will go door-to-door until it finds the person who is ready, willing and able to go for it.

Countless times, I run into people who had a great idea only someone else ‘beat them to it.’ They weren’t ready to move on their idea when Opportunity knocked on their door but unfortunately for them, someone else was.

So while you are waiting for that infamous knock. Make the time right now to get ready. Practice. Prepare. Study. Do what you have to do so when that knock comes or that doorbell rings, you’ll greet Opportunity with a big smile and a firm handshake.

Karyn's College Study Guide

I am so excited for my little sister! She is starting college today. She’s had about a week to get settled in and her first classes begin today.

My college years were great. I had a ton of fun, made some good friends and learned some valuable life lessons. Although it was fun, I never forgot why I was there. I was there to get my degree and my father made it abundantly clear that it needed to happen in four years and poor grades would not be tolerated.

So, I developed a system for studying that allowed me to study Sunday through Thursday. I never had to cram for tests and I was always prepared. Plus I had weekends off to have fun with my friends.

I decided, as I gift to my little sister, I’d write out my strategy and share it with her. In fact, I’m if you have kids, siblings, cousins, or others who need something like this, email me at coach-u@live.com and I’ll send you a copy. Put College Study Guide in the subject and I’ll get it right out to you.

Baby It's Cold Outside!

Lucky you, if you are reading this from sunny California or Arizona! Most of us back East have at least another 6 weeks of winter (being from Cleveland, I always thought the Groundhog was optimistic to limit his prediction to just 6 more weeks of winter).

Days are short. Nights are long. And for many of us, it's freezing! Most of us will spend our time running from home to the car and then from the car to work and back again. It's too cold to even think about taking a walk or enjoying some real time outside.

So what do you do when you are cooped up in the house.

Here are a few things I do.

TV: It's a guilty pleasure to be sure and I've been chastised by many who feel television is beneath them. But I enjoy TV and movies. I enjoy them so much that I have a whole other blog devoted to them (It's a shameless plug, I know, but if you want to check that blog out it's at http://www.divasoulsista.blogspot.com/).

Puzzle Books: If you go to the magazine section in any drugstore, grocery store or Wal-Mart or Target, you will find puzzle books loaded with a variety of puzzles. I think they are a lot of fun. Plus, keeping your mind busy with word searches, fill-in, sudukos or crosswords helps keep your mind agile and alert as you get older!

Coloring: Yes, I color. I keep a coloring book and a pack of 64 crayons by my favorite chair in the living room. I find coloring to be soothing and relaxing.

Journaling: I guess it's no surprise that I would journal. I find journaling is a great way to get my thoughts out and help me work through the things I have on my mind.

Computer Time: In addition to watching silly videos on YouTube, I enjoy blogging and emailing old friends. I've said it before and I'll say it again, a single personal email from an old friend means a lot more than 100 emails that are forwarded to everyone on your mailing list!

Gabbing: I also call old friends when I don't feel like writing and just catch up. There is no better way to pass the time than to find out what an old friend or relative has been up to.

So what do you plan on doing to weather the rest of this winter weather?

Action vs. Activity

Action and Activity have the same root: to act. To act means to do something. Yet, in my book action and activity are two different things. Being active isn’t the same as taking action.

There are a lot of activities we participate in that make us look busy but they don’t move us any closer to our goals. Activity looks good and has a purpose but it’s not the most important purpose.

Straightening out your desk, cleaning out your email, returning phone calls and emails are activities. These things serve a purpose. Yet, when those activities overstay their welcome and and take up too much time, they often becoming excuses for not doing more substantive work. They become a problem. They become a tool for procrastination.

Taking action on the other hand, is doing something that means something. Taking action is taking control and doing something that moves you closer to your goals and your dreams. If those emails and phone calls are leading you to more business, then you are taking positive action.

Activity is seductive. It looks good. After all, when the boss walks by, you’d better be doing something! The question becomes is that something just an appearance or is it something that matters?

There is room for both. Some activity is necessary; it paves the way for taking action. It’s a lot easier for me to focus on the tasks at hand when my environment is organized. It’s easier for me to discuss business with a client or a colleague when we have chatted about the little things and created the basis of a friendly relationship.

Be careful though. The majority of the time should be spent in actions that will lead to something. Action should always trump activity.

Get Back to Work!

The holidays are over. Unless we work for the banks or the federal government, most of us won’t get a long weekend until Memorial Day. That’s the end of May! It’s time to get back to work.

Here are some tips I use for getting the job done.

1. Plan Your Days: I have a weekly planner. Throughout the day, I jot down upcoming tasks and place them on the day I plan to work on them. Before I leave for the day, I give my list another once over, focusing on things I need to do the next day. This goes a long way to eliminating that feeling that I’ve forgotten something or that something will fall through the cracks.

2. Set New Goals. Look at what’s on your plate and decide what you want to accomplish in the next month, three months and six months.

3. Clean It Out: There is a fascinating statistic that says 80% of the things we file, we never look at again. If you find you have some down time, spend a few minutes going through your files. If you have it electronically, you probably don’t need the paper copy. If the project ended years ago, keep a few pertinent summaries and maybe the finished product and get rid of the rest. If you are feeling really bold, tackle your electronic files. Delete what you don't need. Move old versions of reports and documents to an Archive folder and organize the rest.

4. Reestablish Your Routine: It’s not just for kids you know. Make a point to get back on track – have a consistent bed time and wake up time. Holiday splurges are over so get back into the habit of making healthier food choices.

5. Remember What You Like About Work: It might not be the job of your dreams but there must be a few good things about it. Coming back to work shouldn’t be a complete downer! Think out what you enjoy about your work: favorite co-workers, the work you do, a favorite lunch spot. Focus on what you enjoy about work and you’ll experience a lot less dread and negativity!

Zap Your Tolerations

The great thing about going through coach training is that while you are learning how to help others develop themselves; there are tons of opportunities for you to work on your personal development.

One of the concepts we discussed was called tolerations. Simply put, tolerations are things that we tolerate but are not happy with. They can range from minor things like a stopped up drain to major things like an unfulfilling job or a bad relationship.

All of these things, from the very minor to the majorly major, should be dealt with. Why are tolerating these things that annoy, aggravate or just generally make us unhappy? Let’s start with the small things.

For example, I was tolerating a slow drain in the bathroom and a messy car. Neither were big deals but when the drain would back up while I was washing my face, it was annoying and it zapped away some of my positive energy. Likewise, every time I got into my car, I was confronted with a mess and every time, I would say to myself “I really need to clean this car out!” Again, it would zap away a little more of my positive energy.

Can you see how even a number of minor tolerations can create a mental and emotional drain on you?

In coach training, we did a revealing exercise called ‘zapping tolerations.’ It started with making a list of things we were tolerating. Between home life, work, kids, family and other obligations, it isn’t surprising to have a list of over 60 tolerations!

I’ll share with you a few of the items on my list.

1. Unclog the bathroom drain
2. Clean out the car
3. Lose 50 pounds
4. Reorganize the kitchen cabinets, countertops and pantry
5. Organize the book shelf
6. Get out of debt
7. Frame and hang my photographs
8. Schedule Marty’s annual vet appointment
9. Schedule my mammogram
10. Have someone come out and look at the washing machine

As you can see, my lists goes includes everything from the minor to a few major items. Writing your list is important because it puts all of these things on your radar. I knew I needed to unclog the drain but once I wrote it down, it became a priority, something I needed to handle. A few days later, I was about to run the dishwasher, and I noticed, I had a bottle of Liquid Plumber. Immediately, I used it to unclog the drain. The Liquid Plumber had been there all along but until I made unclogging the drain a priority, I looked right by it.

Some of the items on my list (mammogram, vet) can be handled with a phone call. Others just take a little time (bookshelf, kitchen organization, photographs). I’ve already handled the kitchen and the bookshelf and the car. I can tell you honestly, that it has made a difference. I don’t have that nagging feeling that I need to take care of something when I walk into the kitchen or get into the car and it feels good.

My full list includes tolerations around the home at work and even those involving relationships and people. Look at your entire life and you’ll be surprised at the tolerations you’ll find.

My challenge to you is to make a list of your tolerations and start taking care of them one at a time. Many won’t take a lot of time and others (losing weight, getting a new job, repairing a relationship) will take a lot of time. For those larger tolerations, you will be surprised at how good you feel when you sit down and map out a plan for achieving them.

Ready, set … ZAP!

Plan with a Purpose

Long time readers of this blog (both of you! LOL!) know I'm big on planning and list making. I'm a huge believer that a little organization can go a long way to saving time, reducing stress and just generally making you more productive.

I was thrilled when I came across this video, courtesy of friend, fellow blogger and spiritual coach Diannia Baty. She does some really provocative work on her blog Way Over the Rainbow. Recently, she posted a few videos from Jack Canfield, co-author of the Chicken Soup for the Soup series. I loved this one minute clip on why a little planning the night before can make a big difference in your day.

Reading is Fundamental

Here in Charlotte, they are rolling out a new recycling program. To the city’s credit, they have been very clear in their communication for the past two months we’ve received letters and postcards about our new garbage pickup day, when we’d receive the new bins and when we would start using them.

We got the green bins a few weeks ago along with a letter that was attached to the bin stated clearly not to start using the new bin until the week of July 5th. Yet that very next week, a number of my neighbors put those green bins out for pick-up. As I walked the dog, I noticed that many of them still had the letter attached, no one had read them.

On Monday I saw a neighbor placing his garbage and large rolls of old carpets out by the sidewalk. I was walking Marty as he finished. It was already hot and he was winded and sweaty. As we walked by him, I reminded my neighbor that this was the week garbage pick-up was moving to Thursday.

He looked stunned. He glanced up and down the street and only saw a few other garbage bins on the curb . He shrugged and said, “I didn’t have time to read all that recycling stuff.” With that, he began taking all that garbage back into the garage.

A full decade into the 21st century and the technological advances that were supposed to free us – cell phones, email, and laptops – keep us busier than ever. In fact, for many, it’s become a badge of honor to say that we are ‘too busy’.

We are too busy to be bothered with reading emails and mail. We use the circular file for most of our mail before reading important notices. We delete emails before we read them, or better yet, we 'skim' them so that we can say we read them when really we have no idea what the email really said.

We don't sweat the details and in turn, we end up, like my neighbor just sweating more. Little things become big things or at least larger inconveniences when we don’t handle them.

My neighbor, who didn’t have time to read, had time to take all that garbage out just so he could turn around and take it all back just so he could bring it back out today. How many meetings have been missed because someone didn’t have time to read the update? How much time have you had to spend getting someone up to speed on a project because they didn’t have time to read the emails and the memos?

The irony is that most of the email/mail that we don’t have time to read wouldn’t take that long in the first place.

Take the time to do it right so you don’t have to take the time to do it again.

Networking No-Nos

I went to a networking event a few months ago. As usual, as soon as the formal presentation ended, we all got down to the business of ‘networking’ – otherwise known as passing out business cards to as many people as possible. The next morning, I pulled out my cards and wrote a personal email to every person I had met the night before.

A few weeks later, I met one of the women I’d met for coffee. She told me of all the cards she had passed out and collected, I was the only one who reached out and contacted her. I can’t say I was surprised.

When we talk about networking, most of us are talking about it from a self-centered perspective. What can this person do for me? Who could this person introduce me to? It’s no wonder networking gets most people nowhere.

Networking is not a one-way street. It’s about building relationships. What does that mean in the real world? It means that you need to also be asking, “Who do I know that can use this person’s services?” “Is there any information or resources that I have that I could share with this person?” Networking is about giving as much as it is about receiving.

In the spirit of networking, here are some basic no-nos:

• No Eye Contact: When you are talking to someone be present. Make eye contact with that person. Listen to them and engage in a real conversation. I’ve actually met people who have been vaguely talking to me while casing the room for someone ‘more important’ than me to talk to. Talk about rude!
• No Conversation: When I talk to someone, yes, I want to talk about what I do and they want to talk about what they do, but at the same time, I don’t want to hear a canned sales pitch or a script that someone has memorized and is just regurgitating to me. Make the conversation more organic, make it flow.
• No Follow-Up: Remember who you talked to and send them a quick email or voicemail to let them know you enjoyed talking to them. If you really hit it off with someone, ask them to meet you for lunch or coffee. A stack of business cards might look impressive but it means nothing if you haven’t done anything with them.
• No Assistance: When I come across articles or people I think might be of use to someone in my network, I don’t hesitate to send the article with a little note or do a quick email introduction between people I think would need to know each other.

Do It Anyway

A few weeks ago, I tried to tear down some of the myths around positive thinking. I want to revisit that idea one more time. Being positive is more than a thought or a feeling. Let me explain.

Overall, your thoughts should be positive. This is true. However, being positive doesn’t mean that you will be immune from fearful, doubting or even, downright negative thoughts. It does mean that you should be aware of them so that you can work to counter them and lessen the impact that they have on you. As you move closer to your dreams and forage beyond your comfort zones, it’s only natural to face some opposition. Be prepared to combat those thoughts and move beyond them.

But most importantly being positive is NOT a feeling. You have goals. You have dreams. You have steps to take and plans to accomplish. You have a lot of work to do! And, you need to do that work whether you feel like it or not.

The difference between a true champion and everyone else is that a champion pushes beyond the feelings and does it anyway. He gets up and runs when it is cold outside. He might feel like sleeping in but he does it anyway. The writer doesn’t feel like writing today, she feels blocked, but she does it anyway. The dieter doesn’t feel like having the sensible meal, she’d rather have something deep fried or covered in chocolate, but she eats the sensible meal anyway.

A surefire way to not progress on your goals is to let your feelings be your guide. Being positive means more than just warm, fuzzy thoughts and hyped up emotion. It requires consistent actions and enough discipline to do it anyway.

Myth-Busters: Independence

From the time we are born we long for independence – we want to walk on our own and ride the bike without the training wheels. As we get older, the images of independence change – driver’s license, living on our own, surviving financially without those convenient calls home for cash. We want to do it all and we want to do it all on our own. But independence can only take us so far.

The quest for independence omits one important fact – we can’t possibly do it all on our own. We don’t have the know-how to do it all. We don’t have the resources to do it all. We don’t have the time to do it all. Any kind of real success is going to take help. We need other people.

This is not a sign of failure or lack; it is an admission of truth. It is an acceptance of who we are and where we want to go. As soon as a business begins to grow, the business owner knows that he’s going to need help. He can’t be responsible for generating all the sales, making all the sales calls, handling all the manufacturing, juggling all the accounting and fiscal responsibilities while, all the while, holding the vision for the company and its leadership.

Not only can he not do all of those things, he can’t possibly do them all well. He recognizes the need for a talented sales person or a bookkeeper with a knack for numbers. By hiring people who have those talents, he’s free to focus on what he’s best at.

In high school and college, students move from teacher to teacher. The science teacher/professor is not the one to go to for English composition and the English professor probably isn’t the best source for questions about calculus.

Yet, we are often unrealistic when it comes to our own capabilities and we tend to beat ourselves up when we need to reach out and ask for that dreaded ‘h’ word, help.

In many aspects independence is enough, however, if we want to reach beyond what we are individually capable of, we need to strive for interdependence ­– a state where independent people depend on one another. My strengths augments your weaknesses and vice versa. My passion and interest compliments yours.

Together we can do things that would have never been possible on our own.

Mythbusters: The Myth of Positive Thinking

As a coach and a trainer, I truly believe that a positive attitude is the key to success. It's the strong foundation to which sustainable success is built on. We have to be positive thinkers. But when we talk about positive thinking, I think it helps to clarify what is and isn't positive.

Delusional thinking is not positive thinking. Positive thinkers looks at the facts and the issues and take it all into account as they devise a plan for overcoming obstacles. Delusional thinking ignores the reality and the facts and insist on keeping everything rosy when it is not.

When a positive thinker encounters a major obstacle like cancer, they belief they will beat it. However, they also investigate traditional and experimental treatments. They look at the research, they get other professional opinions and they proceed accordingly.

A delusional thinker thinks that the cancer will just magically disappear. If they can believe enough, it just might work. After all, they are being positive!

Positive thinking will not prevent problems. It is not a guarantee for an effortless cake walk. A lot of people assume that if they are positive enough, things will just magically fall in the place. They visualize their positive thoughts going before them and make the rocky roads smooth, filling the potholes along the way. Not true.

Positive thinkers have problems. What is difference is the approach. They don't assume the position of helplessness, apathy or frustration. They respond proactively, looking for other options, possibilities and opportunities. Positive thinkers are human. They have bad days and bad moods. But they don't dwell in those moments. They are able to move on and up quickly. They rebound.

Finally, Positive thinking means absolutely nothing if it is not followed by positive action. You can think all you want about a yummy Chinese Chicken Salad but if you want to eat that salad, you will have to make it, go get it or get someone else to make it or go get it. You have to act. Thinking about it alone will not make it so and it doesn't matter how positive your thoughts are.

Positive Thinking - Proactive Action = Dreaming

Go ahead and be a Positive Thinker!

But be more than positive.

Be real!

Be proactive!

And take action!

Who’s the Boss? YOU Are!

If the events of the past year have taught us anything it’s that nothing is guaranteed when it comes to employment.

I’ve seen people who felt secure and thought that it couldn’t happen to them, have it happen. I’ve seen people stay in jobs that no longer suit them or meet their needs because they are scared to even try to find something else. I have seen people put their heads down (like ostriches) and refuse to even acknowledge the firings, layoffs and downsizing going on around them. Hope is the only weapon in their arsenal.

These people are thinking like employees and in the 21st century that sort of thinking is as outdated as it is detrimental. Even if you never want to own our own business, even if you enjoy the benefits, consistent paycheck and workday routines that come with working for someone, you still need to look at yourself as a business owner. Your business is the business of you.

At its most basic level, you are offering your services in exchange for pay and benefits. It’s just that simple. Your job is to make sure that your services are services that an employer wants. That’s what an interview is. A company is sampling a number of similar products (applicants) to see which one they like best and which will fit best in their company.

You need to make sure that you are doing everything in your power to set yourself apart … even if you are happy where you are and are not looking for a job. You don’t know when you will be looking, so you should always be honing your skills and recording your accomplishments. Besides, these are the same skills that will help you when it’s time for your annual review or when you are up for a promotion.

So what does this mean for your everyday life? What has to change? Probably not much. But keep these things in mind.

1. Write Your Wins: Try to do this as they happen. Think of how difficult it is to prepare for your annual review when you have to remember all of the things you’ve done over the past year. Instead, keep a little document in Word where you can list your accomplishments as you go. Got Employee of the Month? Jot it down. Did you exceed your sales goal for the quarter? Make a note of it. Did you take a record-setting number of calls in one month? Write it down. This will come in handy when preparing for a review or when you are updating your resume.

2. Become a Sponge: In training, a sponge is someone who is in class to absorb as much information as possible. Take every opportunity you can to learn. Take as many classes, seminars and workshops as possible. Definitely take advantage of any training you can get from your company. However, be open to investing in a class or two on your own if need be. Always keep your skills current.

3. Act Like a CEO: It’s not up to your company to take care of you. The only person who will act in your best interest is you. Place your loyalty and your dedication where they belong, with you and not with your company. Give your best at the job you are in; but do it because it’s in your best interest and not because that’s what the company wants. If you see a better opportunity, don’t be afraid to take it out of some misguided sense of company loyalty. If you need a better opportunity, don’t be afraid to look for one and make a move if you find it.

No go ahead and take your place in the big corner office of You, Inc.!

Myth-Busters: Multi-Tasking

“There is time enough for everything in the course of the day, if you do but one thing at once, but there is not time enough in the year, if you will do two things at a time.” - Lord Chesterfield

Obviously, Lord Chesterfield didn’t live in the 21st Century! Americans love to multi-task. We have to because we are busy, busy, busy! We drive while putting on make-up and talking on the phone. At work, we reply to emails while on conference calls. We return phone calls while walking on the treadmill. With the aid of a little technology, we can do it all! But can we? Consider the following.

* A study by the University of London Institute of Psychiatry found “Workers distracted by e-mail and phone calls suffer a fall in IQ more than twice that found in marijuana smokers.”

* Researchers at the University of California at Irvine monitored interruptions in the workplace and found workers took an average of twenty-five minutes to recover from interruptions such as phone calls or answering e-mail and return to their original task.

* And we’ve all encountered the multi-tasking driver who’s either wrapped up in his/her cell phone conversation or texting.

Times may have changed but our brains have not. The problem is the more you multitask the more difficult it is for your brain to switch between tasks. It takes time for your brain to make the switch … the same time you think you are saving. Your memory is also negatively affected by multitasking.

So what’s a busy person to do?

Do It Anyway: Multi-tasking works best when you are working when at least one of the tasks is inconsequential and doesn’t require too much thought. Checking voicemail or returning a call while walking the dog. You can write your to-do list while you are on the train. You should be able to use the treadmill while chatting on the cell phone. However, if the task is important or requires effort or attention, then it requires your focus…

Find Your Focus: Take small amounts of time to focus on a single task. Spend 10 minutes reading and returning emails. Devote 20 minutes to writing the proposal. You will be surprised that a dedicated focus will actually improve your productivity.

Tame the Technology Tiger: It is okay to temporarily turn your ringer off. Believe it or not, most calls aren’t urgent. Also close your email application so those annoying notifications don’t pop up every time you get an email. Instead, make a commitment to check your email at the top (and maybe bottom) of every hour or maybe after you finish each focused time period.

The Critical Eye

Over the course of my life, it is mind boggling to think of how much television I’ve watched. And I don’t think that is a bad thing. In my career and in my personal life, I’ve found television to be a strong unifier. I’ve used it create connections and to break the ice with people.

If I had kids, I wouldn’t be one of those parents who never let their kids watch television. I have fond memories of everything from Conjunction Junction to The Love Boat to What’s Happening. But times have changed.

When I was growing up, there were a handful of channels to choose from. Cable came along and gave us more choices but even that was nothing compared to what kids have to choose from today. With television standards becoming more and more lax in regards to language, sexuality and violence, it’s important that parents take an occasional look at what their children are watching. But this is the real world and the truth is that parents can’t always be there to police the television, or the computer for that matter. So it is just as important, if not more so, for adults (parents and others) to teach kids to look at what they watch, as well as what they listen to and read on the Internet, with a critical and questioning eye. In fact, all of us, adults as well as kids, could benefit from that.

Take one of the most popular trends in television today: reality TV. Many of these shows promote a lifestyle or a set of values that is misleading at best and dangerous at worst. Shows like Survivor and The Apprentice reward people for being manipulative and calculating while shows like MTV’s Sweet Sixteen and The Hills promote lavish lifestyles that even the stars often can’t afford.

The average American earns $885 a week (U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics). Working as a paid intern, as the girls on The Hills do, you’d be lucky to make that much. Yet, they often spend more than that on the handbag they carry in one episode.

The stars of My Sweet Sixteen routinely spend over six-figures on a party. As the sons and daughters of singers, actors and rappers, they can afford that kind of opulence; but most of the kids watching can’t.

As I said, banning television, or music or the Internet, is not a realistic option in today’s society nor do I think it’s a good idea. However, I do think that these kinds of shows give you a great opportunity to engage in some realistic talk with your kids.

Let them know how many hours an average intern making $10 an hour would have to work to afford a $500 pair of sunglasses, not to mention up to $2,000 a month for rent and a car payment of over $600.

When that Survivor or Apprentice contestant gets rewarded for double-crossing his opponent, it might be a good time to talk about the consequences for unethical behavior in the real world.
When people on television fall casually in bed with one another, let them know that African-Americans are disproportionately affected by HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases. Remind them that there are consequences involved in all of your actions.

You can’t always be with your kids but the knowledge you give them will stick with them even when you can’t.

Get Some Satisfaction

The latest news reports say that the recession is over. While that may be true on paper and in theory, it’s another story in our everyday reality. Lately, I’ve had a number of clients and friends who are extremely disappointed in their current employment situation. Some are lay-off survivors who have endured pay cuts or pay freezes, the loss of work friends and a marked increase in workload. A few have found work but due to the lack of available positions took jobs making significantly less than what they were accustomed to or doing work that pays the bills but doesn’t really appeal to them.

The average worker works over 8 hours a day and commutes about 50 minutes a day. Add to that the time spent getting ready for work, decompressing from work and preparing for the next day of work, you see that the majority of the work week is spent at work or in work-related activities. We see our coworkers more than we see our children, significant others and friends.

Basically, we spent too much time at work to be miserable. And workplace misery rarely stays at the office. It makes the commute home with us and we end up snapping at the kids, arguing with the spouse and pushing away from the friends. It’s a vicious cycle. But how do we stop it?

Lay-off survivors and underemployed professionals hear the recession mantra all the time, “Be lucky that you have a job.” “At least you are working.” There is some truth to that but in and of itself it is rarely enough to get us through the day.

So what can we do take those lemons and make a satisfying lemonade?

Scavenger Hunt: As a kid, scavenger hunts were fun. We looked everywhere for hidden goodies and secret treasures. Do the same at work. Looking at your work tasks, look for a few tasks in your workday that you enjoy and can look forward to. Focus on those and not on the things you dread.

Don’t Dwell in Hell: Speaking of things you dread, try not to focus on those. Keep work in perspective. It’s something you do, it’s not who you are. This isn’t the 1950’s, you won’t be working in one place for 50 years and then retiring to a pension and a gold watch. The job you are in now is a bridge to something better. Success at your current job will pave the way for success at the next one.

Break on your Breaks: Working though your breaks on a regular basis is a recipe for burnout. Get away from your desk, office or cubicle for those 10 to 15 minutes. Use at least have of your lunch break to do something crazy like … eat lunch. Mentally, you need that time away. By taking just that 10 minutes to take a short walk, get a cup of coffee or a glass of water or just to talk to your work buddy about Hell’s Kitchen, you will return to your work with a stronger focus and a more relaxed demeanor.

Use Your Rearview: As you pull out of the parking lot at the end of the day, glance a couple times in your rearview mirror. Watch as your workplace fades into the background. The background is exactly where your workplace belongs at the end of the day. Don’t take your work woes home with you. Use your commute time to refocus on home. Even if you will have to take work home with you, put some space and time between the end of work and doing your work at home.

Change Your Attitude: Obviously an attitude of gratitude, being grateful to have a job, will only get you so far. Have an attitude of excellence with a clear focus on the future. If you want out of your current job, then master it. Do the absolute best you can. Concentrate on giving the best service to your customers, your coworkers and your boss. Focus on doing the best you can has clear benefits for them but there are also clear benefits for you. Taking your focus off the negative and on what you can do puts you in control and improves your attitude. It’s the definition of a win-win.

Finally, keep your chin up. This too shall pass … and when it does you will find yourself in a much better place.

Service with a Smile ... Goes the Extra Mile

I’ve worked in customer service. I’ve trained customer service. And, like all of you, I’ve been on the receiving end of all sorts of customer service. So I can say with certainty, things tend to go better when you are nice, polite and professional. Sure there are occasions where that might not be true but those make up the exception more than the rule.

Many people, unfortunately don’t get that, they come off demanding and condescending and intimidating. Some times that works but more often than not it doesn’t. I once worked at a high-end hotel known for their customer service. As Customer Service Reps we were given some wiggle room when it came to handling complains. We could comp a night or two or have a special basket sent to a room without getting management approval first.

When people were nice and professional and respectful to me, I would go out of my way to accommodate their needs. On the other hand, when people were rude, abrupt and hostile, I was professional, to be sure, but I wasn’t bending over backwards to be extra helpful.

When I teach customer service, I explain to the representatives that a good customer service helps them as much as it helps the customer. For example, you are on the phone with a particularly difficult customer. Finally, you are able to end the call. Immediately afterwards, the phone rings again. Guess what? Your tone of voice is still the same as it was when you were talking to hostile guy! Since people respond to vocal cues and nuances on a gut level, the caller responds in kind with a slightly hostile and defensive tone of her own. Before you know it, what could have been a simple call is fraught with tension and strain.

If you are giving customer service, being polite and professional benefits you because it helps you to keep your emotions in check and when you are in control of your emotions, you are less likely to experience a lot of negativity and hostility. When you are the customer service rep:

• Use the 10 second time out. If you find yourself in an emotionally escalating situation, put the caller on hold and take a couple deep cleansing breaths and a moment to calm yourself. Then return to the call. Don’t leave the person on hold though! That could make a bad situation worse.
• Wait. Wait a minute or so after a difficult call before picking up the next one. Give yourself a chance to calm down and get the ‘attitude’ out of your voice.
• Empathize. Remember, people are calling you because you have been trained and you have access to the information they need. Don’t expect people to know everything you know or to have done everything you think they should have done. You are the expert. Walk them through your process.
• Give the play-by-play. Let people know what’s going on and what you are doing. Eliminate the long awkward pauses. “The computer is slow today.” “Please give me a moment while I research your account.”

However, there are a few tips for the customer who has to call customer service.

• You are angry at the company not their representative. Most of the time, we don’t get to speak to the person who messed everything up. We are speaking to the person we hope can solve our problem. Unleashing your wrath on the unsuspecting person who just happened to answer the phone will not help the situation; it will only make it worse. Be polite.
• Save the Sarcasm. It comes off poorly when you are face-to-face with someone and it sounds even worse over the phone. Condescension and a bad attitude will not help you win over the customer service rep. You need them as your ally and not your adversary.
• Intimidation is not the method. Fear and threats are often used by people intent on “getting results.” On occasion, the bullying method actually works. More often than not, it doesn’t. It just leaves all parties involved frustrated and upset.

When it comes to customer service specifically and just dealing with people in general, a taste of honey goes a whole lot further than a gallon of vinegar.

Karyn Cooks - Sausage and Black Bean Soup

My favorite recipes that are good for your health, good on your wallet and tastes good to boot.

My all-time favorite cookbook is Weight Watchers 5 Ingredients, 15 Minutes. All the recipes have five ingredients or less, or they can be prepared in 15 minutes or less. Weight Watchers released a new 5 Ingredient, 15 Minutes but the original is still the best.

Even if you don’t need to lose weight, this recipe creates a pretty hearty soup. It’s heartly enough to pass the husband test … he won’t even know it’s healthy!

Ingredients:
Cooking Spray
6 oz turkey kielbasa sausage, sliced
1 cup diced green, sweet red, or yellow pepper
1 (14.5oz) can fat-free, reduced-sodium chicken broth
1 (15oz) can no-salt-added black beans, rinsed and drained
1/4 cup picante sauce or salsa
Chopped cilantro (optional)

Directions:
Coat a medium saucepan with cooking spray; place over medium-high heat until hot.
Add sausage, and saute 1 minute or until sausage begins to brown.
Add pepper; saute 1 minute.
Add broth; bring to a boil. Reduce heat to low; add beans and picante sauce, and simmer, covered, 5 minutes.
Top with cilantro, if desired.

I find this recipe to be a little thick for soup, so don’t be afraid to add some extra broth and some extra salsa. I pass on the cilantro too.

You can also alter the taste of this recipe by using different salsas.

(P.S. When I make it, I don't use the cilantro so mine doesn't look quite like the picture)

Karyn Cooks - Tilapia and Fresh Spinach

Everybody is busy and everyone’s on a budget. So I’m launching this series called Karyn Cooks to share with you some of my favorite recipes you can make when you are short on time and cash. They are all quick, healthy and absolutely yummy!

Tilapia is a great light fish. I came across this recipe by doing a simple Google search on tilapia recipes. I ended up at Southern Food at About.com. This recipe scored high with me because it was: quick, easy, healthy, and tasty and a quick clean-up to boot. It is suggested that you pair it with baked potato or rice pilaf. I used some regular long-grain rice and it was very good!

Ingredients:
4 to 6 tilapia filets
cooking spray
8 to 12 ounces baby spinach, cleaned
1/4 cup chicken broth
1/4 teaspoon onion powder
salt and pepper
Creole seasoning blend
1 small tomato, chopped
4 green onions, thinly sliced

Preparation:
Spray a 9x13-inch baking dish with cooking spray and add the spinach. If necessary to make the spinach fit it into the baking dish, steam or sauté the spinach for a minute or two to wilt slightly.
Sprinkle spinach with salt and pepper and onion powder; add the chicken broth. Sprinkle tilapia filets lightly with salt, pepper, and Creole seasonings. Arrange the filets over the spinach and sprinkle with chopped tomato and sliced green onion. Cover the baking dish with foil and bake at 350° for 20 to 25 minutes, or until fish flakes easily with a fork.Serves 4.