What's Love Got to Do with It?

“Love conquers all.” It’s the ultimate romantic notion. If you have enough love, you can overcome any obstacle. Well, at the risk of sounding like a killjoy, I respectfully disagree. Love most certainly does not conquer all.

Love in and of itself is a powerful force, but its true potency occurs when it is combined with something else. Love and caring can set the foundation for a positive and healthy relationship. Love and trust can open hearts in a way that encourages interdependence and confidence Love combined with honesty and respect can make communication a lot smoother and easier. Love can be a motivating force; it can give you a reason to go on when you desperately need one.

Yet, there is a destructive side to love. Love combined with dishonesty is a breeding ground for deception. Love and exploitation is a recipe for emotional manipulation. Love and abuse can be a deadly combination.

Love can be the greatest gift (to be given and received) or the worst curse. The decisions surrounding who we love and how we want to be loved can make all of the difference. And, make no mistake, these are decisions. I’ve been told, you can’t help who you love and there is some truth to that. However, you can control how you act on that feeling.

If you feel that you are going to be tempted to do something you might regret, do something else. Don’t pick up the phone, don’t drive by the house, and don’t hang out where that person is going to be. I have an ex- and at times, I’d been tempted to call or email him even though I knew it was not a good idea. Instead I’d call one of my friends and she would remind me of all the reasons why I didn’t need to contact him. She’d talk me through it and I was better for it.

On an emotional level, I missed him. I wanted to hear his voice. I wanted to see him. On another level, I knew how difficult it was to get over him and that even a little contact would set me back in a big way. Acting on my feelings would not have been good.

We also need to decide how we want to be loved. I know men and women who tolerate emotional or verbal abuse in the name of love. They deal with mistrust, infidelity, intensely loud and sometimes physical arguments. Others, in quiet desperation, put up with neglect, disinterest and indifference. We need to be courageous in making our needs known so that we can make sure they are met.

You deserve to be loved in a way that makes you feel loved. The catch is that you have to know and love yourself well enough to insist on the love that you need.