Dramatic Royalty

For the five Mondays in July, we'll deal with dealing with one type of difficult person.

The King and Queen are on their thrones! Oh brother! Here we go... I am talking about the King and Queen of the kingdom of Drama. When they hold court, confusion, hurt feelings, and negative emotions abound. They will suck you in and will not let you go. You'll be a prisoner in the dungeon of Drama!

I say Drama Kings and Queens because women do not have a monopoly on drama. Many men have a flair for the dramatic too. Dramatic Royalty have a way of making everything about them. You are merely an audience member or a bit player. These people simply aren't happy unless things are emotionally in disarray.

They read into even the most innocent of behaviors and assume some sort of nefarious intent. A friend tried to make a joke when on a shopping excursion The Dramatic One tried on a pair of pants that were too tight. Now, the friend is being hateful towards them and is ultimately jealous of their great relationship (huh?).What started as a snowball (my boss wasn't thrilled with my presentation) turned into an avalanche of emotion (I'm going to lose my job, and then my relationship and finally end up homeless and alone on the street!).

There is always crying or yelling or maybe the silent treatment. They use extreme emotion to get their way and they continue to do it because usually it works. They like the attention and to hold people captive with their pendulum-swinging emotions. Those on the other side of the emotional tsunami want it to stop. We want them to feel better and be okay. We want peace. They count on us to give them the emotional enabling they need.

Three tips for dealing with Dramatic Royalty

1. It's them, it's not you. While they will selfishly try to find a way to blame you for their problems, it's not you, it's them. And, it is not your job to make them feel better and to always be the one to solve their problems. As long as you take ownership for them, they will never take ownership for themselves.
2. Let them go ... but don't go with them. When the tantrums start (and they will) let them go on ... and on ... and on. Don't try to stop them (unless they get physical); but don't give into them either. This is the part where they expect you to cave in to their demands. Don't do it. Do not argue or attempt to reason with them either. Once they get an emotional rise out of you, they have won.
3. Stay calm and stand up. Say no. You are entitled to your time, your money or whatever else they are demanding. You are entitled to being treated with respect and like the adult that you are. You will be called selfish but you aren't the selfish one (see #1). If there is something you can do for them, be clear about what you can and cannot, will and will not do for them. Be willing to walk away. 

Think about their immaturity this way. Kids stop the tantrums when they realize that no one is looking at them. As a kid, I always wanted to throw something when I was angry. I stopped doing that when I realized that I was the one who had to clean up the mess I'd made. When children know what they can't get away with they stop the behavior. Notice however that the immature behavior starts again when they are with someone who tolerates it. Dramatic Royalty works the same way. When you stop the madness, the madness will stop.

Is it Time Yet?

How long is too long? I’ve often hear people say they stay in a bad relationship or job because they’ve already put X number of years in. That never made sense to me. Wouldn’t that be even more of a reason to get it over with and get on with your life?

I think people that say this are dealing with a few things. First: fear. They would rather be unhappy with what they have than face the possibility of being unhappy with something unfamiliar. Really though, isn’t the risk worth it. After a while, the possibility of happiness in the bad situation dwindles. However, the chances of your success in another situation don’t change.

Second: comfort. In the Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson makes a statement about human nature that is almost always true. He said, “All experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed.” People will put up nonsense and settle for far less than they deserve because the status quo is easier than change.

Third: hope. In their heart of hearts, some people believe that sheer force of will and enough endurance will change their situations. This could be true if you are in your situation alone but force of will and endurance won’t change another person’s thoughts, actions and behaviors.

When you look at how much you’ve invested in a situation, ask yourself whether it is worth it to invest anymore? Your time is more valuable than money and you would not consistently invest your hard-earned dollars in a product or stock that consistently lost your money. So why spend your invaluable time with people or situations that don’t provide a return on your investment?

Managing the Manipulator

For the five Mondays in July, we'll deal with dealing with one type of difficult person.

If you look at your relationship with someone and find that you are always the giver and they are always the taker, you’re probably dealing with a manipulator. When they are willing to take beyond what is comfortable for you to give, you’re definitely dealing with a user.

A user plays on your emotions and your good nature to get what they want. Yet, when you need something they are absent or come with a good excuse. They expect you to take no for an answer but when you try it, you better have your bags packed because you are in for quite a guilt trip!

They will take money, time, clothing or anything you have got. Some people are just manipulative. Others have learned to manipulate because it has gotten good results for them in the past. The spoiled child grows up to be an adult who uses tantrums, guilt and everything else to get the results they have always gotten.

They aren’t always easy to spot. Some will look like that pouty, bratty child. Others will be demanding and argumentative. However, a lot of them will be sweet and nice. The way to tell a manipulator is through their actions not through their attitude. They want something from you and they want it now. If you feel that sense of dread coming when they begin their latest tale of hard luck or woe, you are probably dealing with a manipulator.

So, how do you handle them?

1. Set boundaries. Let them know what you can and can’t do. They need to see that there are limits. They need someone to babysit every evening this week. Let them know you can do two days and what two days they are. Stick to your guns when it comes to the boundaries you set.
2. Say No and mean it. There are times when the answer is no, so say it. Often they will come up with a variety of ways to ask for the same thing. You have one thing to say and that is no. You can change it up too but at the end of the day, the translation should be the same – “No.” If you need to soften it a bit, throw in a “I’m so sorry but I can’t help you.”
3. Don’t give them a time frame. If you say, “I don’t have $200 now but see me on Friday when I get paid,” guess who you’ll be seeing on Friday? This is not a good technique to use because you are just delaying the inevitable and making a touchy situation even more sensitive.
4. Attach some strings. Give them a contract to sign, a date to pay you back, or something to do in exchange for the money. Hold them accountable and mean. 

It's a Start...

This blog is dedicated to the people who have done someone else wrong. I’m talking about the people who have lied, cheated, stabbed someone in the back or otherwise used or manipulated someone … and got caught. This blog is dedicated to those people who offered an apology to the other person and were amazed that their words didn’t carry more weight.

Saying “I’m sorry,” is a great start but that is all it is … a start. It’s the start of a long race to rebuild trust, let bruised egos and hurt feeling heal. I’m sorry when said sincerely can carry a lot of weight but look at it this way. The action cut a deep wound in the other person, a wound that will need to be tended to stop the bleeding and prevent infection. A wound that may require bandages and stitches. A wound that even with top-notch care will still take time to heal and even then, will most likely leave a scar.

I’ve heard people who have cheated or stolen from a loved one express frustration that the other person wasn’t magically healed by the sound of an “I’m Sorry”; as if those words were synonymous to Abracadabra or Open Sesame! There is no magic to a verbal apology. As Bette Davis once said, “Buckle your seat belts, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.”

The aggrieved person is going to have to go through a healing process that includes: sadness, anger, not to mention doubts and questions. This is to be accepted and understood. Rushing someone through this process won’t speed it up but will actually slow it down.

Instead of being frustrated, try working on your side of things. The apology might have been the beginning of healing for the other person, but for you it’s the beginning of a lot of hard work. You now have to prove that you are worthy of their forgiveness. You’ve talked the talk, now you must walk the walk.

You must be honest.

You must be transparent.

You must be patient.

Most importantly, you must not repeat the past behavior.

A song once said that “Sorry seems to be the hardest word.” However, for the guilty party that hard word is followed by lots of hard work.

The Silent Wheel

Everyone knows that ‘the squeaky wheel gets the grease.’ In other words, the one that complains the loudest or causes the most grief gets the attention and, often, the results. In school, it’s the biggest disciplinary problems that get the special programs; it’s the most disruptive students that get attention in class. In the world of retail, it’s the loudest complainer in the restaurant or store that is immediately catered to. The angry customer is the one who will get the refunds and the extra perks. In the home environment, it is often the most difficult child who receives the most attention.


My question is, what about the wheels that don’t squeak? What about the kids who come to school (sometimes against great odds) who want to learn, who avoid getting in trouble and see  value in education? What about the customer who makes their concerns known without bothering to raise a big stink about it? What happens to the ‘good’ siblings who aren’t always in crisis mode or creating emergency situations? Who really cares for these silent bystanders who seem to be penalized for NOT causing problems?


I think, on a certain level, these people who play by the rules are caught in a thankless trap. On the one hand, the assumption is that since they aren’t complaining that they don’t need help. To take that a step further, they don’t need the encouragement, support or attention that their squeaky counterpart needs.


On the other hand, the other assumption is that these people will take care of themselves. Things will somehow work out for them. They will be okay. They don’t need any extra help or encouragement. 


First of all, everyone needs support and encouragement. When people who play by the rules consistently see all of the attention paid and support given to the rule breakers, the question then becomes, why bother to play by the rules. This is especially true with children and adolescents. What is the benefit for doing the right thing when the wrong thing is rewarded with time, attention, encouragement and support? 


There are countless programs aimed at ‘at-risk’ kids and I’m not saying there isn’t a need for such programs. What I am saying is where are the programs for the C and B students who come to school every day, who pay attention, who do their homework. What lesson are we teaching these kids who want to do the right thing?


I have seen many situations where the siblings who manage to finish school, maintain jobs and start families hardly get any acknowledgement for their efforts; while they watch in helpless frustration, their parents continually run to the aid of the sibling who stays in legal, financial and relationship trouble. Does that sibling need extra help? Certainly, he does. However, those other siblings deserve some time, encouragement and attention as well.


In the most extreme situations, the silent wheel has to start squeaking to finally get the attention they crave. And to me, that is extremely desperate and sad. The silent wheel shouldn’t have to engage in squeaky negative behavior to get some attention.

Relationship … that’s the thing

When I say relationship, I’m not talking about romantic, familial or even friendship, I’m talking business today. I know people who love to network. They attend lots of networking functions with lots of ‘networking professionals’. I have attended a few of those events and decided that ‘networking’ wasn't a prudent use of my time … at least the way it is currently done.


Basically, it goes like this. You attend a ‘networking function’ … half of which are happy hours that are labeled ‘networking.’ You make sure you have a stack of your business cards and normally, you have a goal to give out XX number of your cards.


As you approach people, you patiently wait until they are done giving their introduction, so that you can give yours and at the end you can exchange cards. Now, you are one person closer to your goal. This goes on all night and at the end of the evening, you have a stack of cards. That was some successful networking!


If you have a newsletter or engage in any email marketing, you will quickly add all of these people to your list. Otherwise, you will friend them on Facebook and blast them with every event you are having. I’ve actually unfriended people who were absolutely relentless in blasting me, sometimes several times a day, with their information. 


I’ve tried unsuccessfully to try to connect with many of these people after the event by sending them an email and trying to initiate a real conversation and make a real connection, without much success, so I stopped attending these functions.


What I do now is more personal. If I come across a blog, a speaker or a professional I am interested in, I contact them directly and start a conversation. Without the pressure of collecting business cards, it works much better. When I come across something that might be interesting to that person I send it to them. If they are local, I invite them to lunch or to coffee. I actually get to know them and allow them to get to know me. 


There is an old saying in sales that people buy from people they like. I think that is true. I also think it’s true for networking. People refer people they like. So give people the chance to know you, that is the only way they can ever like you. 


A business card, no matter how beautiful will never convey who you are and what you are about.

Without a Safety Net

No one wants to see anyone fall or fail. The very definition of family and friends involves supporting one another and helping each other get through the hard times. Yet, there are some times when the best thing we can do as a friend or family member is to remove the safety net of support and let someone fall.

When our help no longer helps, we are approaching that time. Your loved one could be dealing with addiction. They could be facing the consequences of some questionable decisions. They could just have a history of selfish behaviors that suck the life out of everyone around them.

We need to let our loved one face the consequences of their choices and behavior. When we play the role of the clean-up crew - mopping up messes and fixing what's broken - we remove the accountability from the person who's made the mess in the first place. We allow them to believe that their situation isn't as as bad as it really is. 

Removing support can, ironically, be the most supportive thing you can do. It allows the person to get a true, unvarnished look at themselves and their situation. However, removing support is not the same as removing love. When you love someone you want the best for them; you want to see them happy. Unfortunately, sometimes we need to let the other person go through the worst so they can get to the best.

At the same time you are removing support, you also want to be sure that you are seeking support - the support of family and friends who can be there for you during this difficult time. These are the people who will reaffirm your decision to love toughly when you have your doubts. They will be there with a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen. Having these people in your corner is essential.


Ultimately, we all have only one life to live and that is ours. We can't live for someone else, take their pain or right their wrongs. When you have done all you can do several times over, you have to let that person go. Hopefully, they will come back.

Life Lessons: You Don’t Know, So Don’t Assume

September is a reflective time for me. As I turn 43 this month, I started thinking about some Life Lessons I’ve learned over the years and thought I’d share them.

Some people seem to have it all – money, career, a great relationship, angelic kids. Obviously, those people are doing something we aren’t. There they sit on top of the mountain while we struggle to make the climb. Oh, they have it so easy.


But how do you know that?


From the outside looking in, it is easy for things to look good. Think of the myth of the mermaid. After being out to see for months at a time, pirates and seamen would be lonely for companionship. They’d look across the water and in the distance see what appeared to be a mermaid, half woman/half fish, frolicking in the water. Upon closer inspection, what they thought was a mermaid, was actually a sea mammal called a manatee. If you’ve ever seen a manatee (look at the post photo), you’d know that these men must have been pretty desperate!


Yet, from a distance, that manatee appeared to be something completely different. So it is when we look at other people’s lives. We see them from a distance too. We don’t know what they’ve been through. We don’t know their traumas, we don’t know their sacrifices, and we don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.


I was talking to a friend of mine who is having a difficult time and when she looked at other people, she compared her struggles to theirs and came up short. She assumed that others were having an easier time. I asked her how she knew that. It’s possible that they were but in many cases, they have a host of their own issues to deal with.


I’m not suggesting that we wish something bad people who are doing well or assume that their life is a lie and they are just pretending to be happy. I’m suggesting that people are people and we all have our struggles and just because we don’t see those struggles from our seat in the back row doesn’t mean they aren’t there.


It’s easy to compare ourselves to other successful people and the further they are away from us, the easier we assume they have it. Rarely do we ascribe perfect lives to the people closest to us. In those cases, we know enough to know some of their struggles.

Recognize that all of us are human. We win. We lose. We have our ups. We have our downs. We have our regrets and our mistakes – every one of us. We all have a story to tell and if we sat down and heard some of those stories, I guarantee we’d be surprised.

Life Lessons: The Better Test

September is a reflective time for me. As I turn 43 this month, I started thinking about some Life Lessons I’ve learned over the years and thought I’d share them.

The Better Test is simple. Look at your life – the people, activities and events – and ask yourself if this person or thing makes you a better person in some way, shape or form. If they do, great! If they don’t, start moving them out of your life.

I had a ‘friend’ that didn’t pass the test. We’d been friends since childhood but had grown apart. I realized that she did not rejoice in my successes and she seemed to revel in my failures and my low points. She was always critical and negative about things I wanted to do and almost seemed to resent me in a passive-aggressive way. When I looked at the totality of our relationship, I realized that this person consistently sabotaged me and tried to make me question and feel bad about myself.

She failed the test. Slowly, I started to move her from my inner circle to the outer circle. We still talk from time to time but we aren't nearly as close as we used to be and that was my decision.

When it comes to relationships, ask yourself the following questions.

• Does this person motivate me to do and be more? Are they supportive of me?
• Do they share my interests?
• Do they make me laugh and help me see things from another perspective?
• Are they there to help me up when I fall down?
• Do they tell me the truth when I need to hear it?
• Can I count on this person to be there for me?
• Do they get me?

If those are too many questions to ask, here’s an easier way to apply the test. Ask yourself how you feel when you leave this person’s company. Are you happy? Have you enjoyed your time with them? Or, are you frustrated? Do they leave you doubting yourself, feeling insecure or just plain drained?

I’m not saying you should summarily dismiss a good friend who’s going through a rough time, but I am saying to look at the people in your life and ask if they generally add something positive to it. If not, quietly move them out of your inner circle.

The same applies to the job you have and the activities you engage in. Does your job challenge you? Are you learning new things? How is the work environment? How do you feel when you head home at the end of the day? Being tired is one thing, but leaving stressed, upset, angry or frustrated on a consistent basis is something else all together. 

If you are volunteering or engage in social activities, do you enjoy them or are you just there out of obligation? Do you like the people you are dealing with? Do you look forward to participating in your activity or do you dread it? If you dread it or don't enjoy it consider not doing it.

My goal is to surround myself with people, events and activities that make me a better version of myself. Even if a friend is just there to make me laugh, that is a good thing and I appreciate. Everyone in my inner circle is there for a reason. Hopefully, I'm in their inner circle for a reason too.

Think of your life as a play – a one-man or woman show. You are the star. You want to fill your first two rows with those who have scored highest on the Better Test. These are your biggest fans. These are the ones who clap the loudest and who really want you to deliver a tour-de-force performance. Let the people who might boo or walk of the performance, sit in the back ... way in the back. Those are the ones who have failed the test. 

For a better life experience, surround yourself with people who pass the Better Test.

Forgive and Forget ... Maybe!

I found this video by Dr. Paul that talks about forgiving and forgetting. He takes a realistic approach that states there may be some things that aren't forgiveable or that you don't want to forget. His focus is on relationships but what he says can be applied to a lot of different situations.



I would add that if you have one of those Level 10 issues and you don't feel as if you can forgive or forget, you still need to find a way to come to terms with what happened and who did it, so that your anger doesn't fester and end up eating you alive.

I'm curious as to what you all think about forgiving and forgetting. Please comment.

(Oh, and for the record, I don't get the whole martini glass thing either!)

Everyone is Confident!

As a coach, I like to check out and listen to other coaches. One of my favorites is Christine Pembleton, a dating and relationship coach (http://www.readytobeawife.com/). She released a short video on what women can do to attract men and a lot of it boiled down to one word: confidence. It made sense to me immediately, but the next thing she said really blew my mind. She said that we are all confident ... it's just that some times we are often confident in the wrong things.

I connected with that statement easily. For years, from my teens through my early 30's, I suffered from low confidence about my appearance. However, when it came to my work, my confidence was high (almost too high! LOL!!!!). So what was the difference?

The difference was exactly what Coach Christine had said. In the area of my appearance, my confidence was misplaced. When it came to my work and professionalism, it was right on target.

At work, I am confident. I know the following three statements to be true.

• I am a talented writer and I can turn around a writing project quickly.
• As a trainer, I have the ability to connect with my students and a knack for breaking down concepts in a way that makes it easy for them to understand.
• I invest in my learning and am confident in what I've learned so far and I am always learning more.

In my personal life, when it came to my appearance, I knew the following three statements to be true.

• There are lots and lots of women who look better than me and those are the women men are interested in.
• My butt is too big, my hips are too wide, my thighs are chunky, my complexion is too dark, my hair is too short and my toes are just bizarre.
• Basically, men do not find me attractive.

My confidence is/was high in both sets of statements. So, would it surprise you to learn that I've had infinitely more professional success than person (dating) success?

We all have confidence but it has to be the right confidence. It has to be confidence that is based in a positive truth. It should be a confidence that propels us forward and lifts us up. There are plenty forces out there willing to drag us down. Those forces should not exist within ourselves.

So, it's taken some work but I'm changing (you don't change decades of behavior overnight) the ideas around my appearance, and my confidence is growing. Now, I know ...

• There are women that look better than me but I am attractive too.
• I'm losing weight but no matter what they scale says, I'll always be a curvy, bootylicious girl and that doesn't have to be a source of shame or embarrassment. It can be a good thing!
• Not every man will find me attractive, but some men will.

I can be confident in those statements. For one, they are true. Secondly, they are realistic. I'm not confident that I'm the second coming of Halle Berry or that every man I meet will fall to my feet suddenly blinded by my stunning beauty. LOL! Those statements aren't realistic to me therefore I could never believe and be confident in them. Confidence has to be grounded in reality.

What areas you can use a confidence make-over?

All You Have To Do Is...

Today’s post is a cautionary tale.

Several years ago, I went on a family reunion cruise. At dinner one evening, I was seated with my father and step mother, two of my aunts and their husbands. The conversation soon turned to a CNN special that had aired the night before on the difficulty professional black women face in finding husbands.

My Uncle Johnny, of course, had a solution. You see, Uncle Johnny always has a solution. From dating to the national deficit, there is no problem my uncle can’t solve. So he gave me some of his sage advice, “All you have to do is go to the prisons. There are a lot of good men in prison; they just need a good woman.” My father almost choked on his chicken.

One nugget of knowledge I’ve gained in my 42 years on this planet is to be very weary of people who dole out advice that begins with “All you have to do is…” Normally, I’ve found, these people have no idea what they are talking about.

Allow me to give you a few examples.

A few days ago, I happened to be in the car when I came across one of my least favorite talk show host. While he has no background in finance, he was urging his listeners to invest in the stock market. He said, “All you have to do is buy low and sell high.” Really? Is that all I have to do. If that’s all anyone needs to do, wouldn’t all investors be making money all of the time?

A friend was asking me about my coaching business. She didn’t understand why I wasn’t coaching full-time (which assumes I want to coach full-time). She said, “All you have to do is find a few clients.” Really? Is that all I have to do. As any business owner can tell you, there is an art and a science to finding ‘a few clients’.

I had a blind date a while back with a man who is naturally thin (and that definitely isn’t my type), when I told him that I struggle with my weight, he said, “You look fine to me but if you need to lose weight, all you have to do is go on a diet.” Really? Is that all I have to do. Would there be a multi-billion dollar industry in diet and weight loss if it were that simple.

People who know, and I mean, really know what they are talking about know that it is never that simple. Even if the concept is easy to understand - like buy low and sell high or eat less and move more - it’s often more difficult to put into practice. Experts became experts for a reason. They put in the time to get the knowledge and the experience to know that what you have to do is always a lot more complicated than it seems.

I know people who have lost marriages, homes, jobs and life savings listening to advice that started with “All you have to do is…”If you need advice on selling your house, talk to a realtor. If you want advice on investing, talk to a financial professional (or two).

If it’s a personal situation, seek out people who experience in what you want to do. I have two friends who planned big interstate moves, both of them called me because I’ve made those moves more than a handful of times. Because I’ve done it, I was able to bring up a few things that they hadn’t even thought of.

I want to start painting and landscaping my house and I don't have a clue as to where to start, but I have several friends who have gorgeous homes, who can help me.

So the next time you hear an “All you have to do is…” you know what you need to do. Be nice. Be polite. But get your advice elsewhere. The Uncle Johnnys of the world are always more entertaining than they are informative.

The Greatest Love of All

Every Monday in February, we are focusing on some aspect of love. After all, as the song says, Love is a many splendored thing!

Whether you are listening to the George Benson original or the Whitney Houston remake, you know the song, The Greatest Love of All. If you listen to the words, you know that learning to love yourself , it is the greatest love of all.

Society would have us to think otherwise. Loving your partner, your kids, your career, your family, all seem to come before loving yourself and you can make an argument for any of those loves. However, think about it this way.

Those who don't love themselves often find themselves in relationships with partners who don't love them and give them the love and respect they deserve.

Parents who don't love themselves find themselves giving everything to their children to a point where they cease to have an identity separate from their kids. They also give and give and give until there is nothing left to give or to a point where they even begin to resent their children. Ironically, the kids suffer.

Those who love their careers, work themselves into sickness and sometimes even out of a job only to realize that all work, all the time didn't give nearly as much to them as they gave to it.

Loving yourself isn't synonymous with selfishness. Loving yourself means that you take care of yourself: physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. It means that you recognize that your needs have value, and that your needs are a priority. If you are physically ill or emotionally spent or spiritually bankrupt, then you are no benefit to anyone.

Loving yourself means that you set boundaries and standards for yourself. There are certain behaviors that you will not stand for or tolerate. Loving yourself means expecting others to respond to your needs and your requirements as you respond to theirs.

Loving yourself is the key to having loving and reciprocal relationships with others. learning to love yourself is indeed the greatest love of all.

Who Do You Love?

Every Monday in February, we are focusing on some aspect of love. After all, as the song says, Love is a many splendored thing!

I actually have two questions today:

1. Who do you love?
2. Do they know that you love them?

Number one is easy enough. You know who you love. However, it's often the people we love the most who question our feelings or our devotion. Many people would say "Of course So-n-So knows I love them." But, do they really?

When is the last time you came out and told them? When is the last time you did something special for someone you love?

I'm not just asking that question about romantic partners. I'm including: parents, grandparents, siblings, friends, heck, even pets! LOL!

Assuming is a dangerous habit and it's even worse when it interferes with our ability to express our feelings. If your answer to the question, "Do the people you love know you love them?" is "They should know," you're in trouble.

People only know what you tell them and what you show them and even then some people just don't get it. It takes effort on your part. You have to communicate and demonstrate. Show and tell. And the best part is that you don't have to wait for a holiday, birthday, anniversary or special occasion to show your affection.

Do it now and do it often.

Indulge in Love

Every Monday in February, we are focusing on some aspect of love. After all, as the song says, Love is a many splendored thing!

Valentine's Day is for lovers. Having said that, I've spent plenty of Valentine's Days alone. So today's post will be divided into two. One part for the couples among us and one part is for the singles among us. Read the part that applies to you.

For The Couples

There are two ways this day can go for you: one fraught with fun and romance, the other fraught with fuming anger and disappointment. The key to making Valentine's Day work for you is to make sure you are both on the same page. If one of you is thinking "Ah! Romance! An intimate dinner at my favorite restaurant, flowers, gifts and expressions of love and longing all day long" and the other is thinking "I'll rush to the store for a card and other than that, it's just another day," ... we have a problem.

Talking about expectations doesn't spoil the fun and make surprises impossible, but it does make for fewer arguments and disappointments. Yes, you may be reading this on Valentine's Day but that doesn't mean it's too late! Get on the same page! Now!

Also, find a way to honor the person you are with and the relationship you have. There is no cookie cutter approach to this ... all women (and men) are different, what works for one, won't necessarily work for the other. Flowers might work (as long as there is no allergy), candy could be good (unless your partner is on a diet and then maybe a fruit bouquet would be better), a heartfelt card could be nice (if your partner is the sensitive type) or maybe even a funny card (if your partner is goofy like me).

Ideally, something more individualized might be in order. I have a friend who does intimate photography for singles and couples, maybe that would be a gift you'd like to give (http://www.simplycreativecc.com/). Shopping for lingerie or other goodies could be fun as well. As long as both of you are enjoying yourselves, anything goes!

Whatever you do, you make it special when you base it on what you think your partner will like. Have fun!

For the Singles

Okay, so you don't have a partner right now. It's okay. This day isn't designed for you but it doesn't mean you can't have fun anyway.

If you know a few other singles, get together and go out together. Dress up, go to a favorite restaurant and go out as a group. Pamper yourself. Get a massage. Go shopping. Treat yourself to a manicure and a pedicure. If you can afford it, a little retail therapy never hurts.

The moral of the story for singles is that you are single and that's fine. I don't really care what you do as long as you don't sulk and get all depressed. I know sometimes I feel like the world is made for couples. It's easier to think that the grass is always greener on the other side, but it's not always the case.

You're single for a reason and for a season. You could be in relationships right now, but you don't want a relationship, you want the right relationship and that takes time. The truth of the matter is that when you are single, there are a lot of reasons why you want to have a relationship. When you are in a relationship, you'll look back and think of some of the benefits of being single.

So celebrate today because you are exactly where you need to be.

Ah! Love!: The Five Languages of Love

Every Monday in February, we are focusing on some aspect of love. After all, as the song says, Love is a many splendored thing!

Marriage counselor Gary Chapman has written an amazing book called The Five Love Languages. The premise is simple. There are five primary ways that people express and interpret love. The languages are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.

Problems arise when two people get together and find that they are speaking two different languages.

If your primary language is Quality Time then you appreciate long drives with a partner, spending an evening together, a weekend away or even time spent together watching TV. When your partner spends time with you, you feel loved. When you offer to spend time with your loved one, you expect them to be loved as well. After all, it works for you, right?

Uh-oh.

Your partner's primary language is Acts of Service. He gets your car fixed. He makes sure the lawn is mowed and he picks up after himself at the house. In fact, he's always showing you that he loves you, so much so that he's too busy to want to sit around and talk! He doesn't understand why you don't appreciate him for all he does.

See the problem here?

We speak one language and we naturally assume that our partner speaks that language as well. When they don't, we misinterpret their actions or we feel that our needs aren't being met. We need to know our language but we also need to know our partners as well.

Want to know what love language you're speaking. Take the quiz and find out. Come back and share your results!

Baby It's Cold Outside!

Lucky you, if you are reading this from sunny California or Arizona! Most of us back East have at least another 6 weeks of winter (being from Cleveland, I always thought the Groundhog was optimistic to limit his prediction to just 6 more weeks of winter).

Days are short. Nights are long. And for many of us, it's freezing! Most of us will spend our time running from home to the car and then from the car to work and back again. It's too cold to even think about taking a walk or enjoying some real time outside.

So what do you do when you are cooped up in the house.

Here are a few things I do.

TV: It's a guilty pleasure to be sure and I've been chastised by many who feel television is beneath them. But I enjoy TV and movies. I enjoy them so much that I have a whole other blog devoted to them (It's a shameless plug, I know, but if you want to check that blog out it's at http://www.divasoulsista.blogspot.com/).

Puzzle Books: If you go to the magazine section in any drugstore, grocery store or Wal-Mart or Target, you will find puzzle books loaded with a variety of puzzles. I think they are a lot of fun. Plus, keeping your mind busy with word searches, fill-in, sudukos or crosswords helps keep your mind agile and alert as you get older!

Coloring: Yes, I color. I keep a coloring book and a pack of 64 crayons by my favorite chair in the living room. I find coloring to be soothing and relaxing.

Journaling: I guess it's no surprise that I would journal. I find journaling is a great way to get my thoughts out and help me work through the things I have on my mind.

Computer Time: In addition to watching silly videos on YouTube, I enjoy blogging and emailing old friends. I've said it before and I'll say it again, a single personal email from an old friend means a lot more than 100 emails that are forwarded to everyone on your mailing list!

Gabbing: I also call old friends when I don't feel like writing and just catch up. There is no better way to pass the time than to find out what an old friend or relative has been up to.

So what do you plan on doing to weather the rest of this winter weather?

It's Almost 2011!

My mom died when I was 15, so I must have been about 12 when we had a conversation that has stuck with me for years.

We were talking about driving. I was bursting at the seems to get behind the wheel of a car and four years seemed like an eternity.

My mom laughed and said, "You are in such a hurry. You want to drive. You want to go to graduate from high school and you aren't even there yet! You're already thinking about college. For you, time is moving too slowly; but trust me, once you get around 25, you will be surprised at how time will fly."

I looked at her, as I often did at that age, with a look that said, "I have no idea what you are talking about."

Yet, I often hear her words in my head. It seems like yesterday that we were scared of Y2K. Would the banks lose all of our money? Should we really be storing water and canned goods. Should we just party like it's 1999?

But here we are ... over a decade into "The New Millenium"

In 2011, we will commemorate the 10 year anniversary of 9/11. I remember exactly where I was that day (working in DC from a building where I could see the Pentagon in the distance) and it doesn't seem like it was almost a decade ago.

Whether you make resolutions or not, I think we all need to resolve to savor a little bit more of life in the new year. It passes by too fast to just spend time working, worrying and waiting for something better to come along.

Laugh harder
Love deeper
Dream more
Enjoy more moments
Live fuller!

Face Time

I have friends who live on Facebook and Twitter. Their every thought and every move is chronicled online. I know people who routinely bid their ‘Facebook Family’, good morning and good night. When I was tweeting on a regular basis (or at least trying to), a man who was ‘following’ me would tell his followers daily what he had for breakfast and what he was contemplating for lunch. Really?

I just don’t have the patience for that. I will never forget the relief I felt when I went to a social media seminar and the speaker said you didn’t have to blog, facebook, tweet, get linked in and four square. She said to do what works for you … that day, I canceled my Twitter account and didn’t look back.

I ended up starting another Twitter account to promote my other blog (DivaSoulSista where I do movie and television news and reviews). Still, I don’t live and breathe social media. For those who do, here are a few tips.

Your Friends are Your Friends: I have a handful of good friends. I talk to them on the phone. We email. We visit each other when possible. I’m not an active Facebooker and even I have almost 250 friends! Some of these are friends but a lot of them are acquaintances. If you are using your Facebook to network, be careful about what some of your friends are posting.

There Is No Such Thing As Privacy: Potential employers and current employers are increasingly checking Facebook and other social media. Your drunken weekend, your rants against your ex, your opinions of your co-workers and company are all fair game. See tip number 1. Not all of your friends are your friends, it only takes one to copy and send your posts and pictures to someone else. Almost daily, you hear about people who have lost their jobs due to something they posted on a social media site.

Your Words Can Still Hurt: I recently ran across an article that talked about a friend who had given a gift to another friend. This ‘friend’ tweeted about how unhappy she was with the gift … not considering that the gift giver was a ‘friend’ of hers and could view all of her tweets and posts. And we are all becoming more and more familiar with the reality of cyber-bullying.

Be a Real Friend: I’ve reconnected with high school and college friends and many family members through Facebook and that’s great. But I encourage you to take those connections to the next level. An occasional call or personal ‘let’s catch up’ email can go a long way with making a true connection.

Facebook is great but face time is better.

The Social Network

The movie The Social Network is all the rage right now (you can read my review of it over on my movie review blog here). It’s all about the founder of Facebook and the world’s youngest billionaire, Mark Zuckerman. Although his web site is all about friends, the movie shows how he lost some very good ones in his quest to create the perfect social network.

So how is your social network?

Like 500 million other people, I have a Facebook page. You can find me on it every once in a while but it’s far from an obsession. I have reconnected with old friends and it’s nice to be able to see photos of them and their families, but I crave more of a connection.

You can link in to co-workers, tweet your every thought and friend everyone you meet, but there is something to be said of a more intimate connection and by intimate I don’t mean a forwarded email sent to ten of your friends announcing that “It’s girlfriends day!”

A real connection involves some sort of connection – seeing someone’s eyes sparkle as they tell you a story or hearing the lilt in their voice when they talk about finally meeting the ‘one.’ The good thing about a real connection is that it doesn’t have to be a frequent connection.

As I crawled into bed after a wonderful birthday, my phone rang. It was an old friend from my high school days. We talk every two years or so. I got out of bed and we laughed and shared stories for the next 90 minutes. Anyone listening would have never known that two years had passed since we last spoke.

It was an intimate connection. It was a real connection with someone that I care about.

Now I do send well wishes and birthday greetings via Facebook or a funny e-greeting card. Some connection is better than none. But, picking up a phone or making a face-to-face visit when possible can never be replaced.

So while Facebook might be an important part of your social network, it should not represent your entire social network. Every once in a while, pick up a phone, go out for dinner and find a way to make a really connection and fully enjoy your social network.