Monday, July 25, 2011

Everyone is Confident!

As a coach, I like to check out and listen to other coaches. One of my favorites is Christine Pembleton, a dating and relationship coach ( She released a short video on what women can do to attract men and a lot of it boiled down to one word: confidence. It made sense to me immediately, but the next thing she said really blew my mind. She said that we are all confident ... it's just that some times we are often confident in the wrong things.

I connected with that statement easily. For years, from my teens through my early 30's, I suffered from low confidence about my appearance. However, when it came to my work, my confidence was high (almost too high! LOL!!!!). So what was the difference?

The difference was exactly what Coach Christine had said. In the area of my appearance, my confidence was misplaced. When it came to my work and professionalism, it was right on target.

At work, I am confident. I know the following three statements to be true.
  • I am a talented writer and I can turn around a writing project quickly.
  • As a trainer, I have the ability to connect with my students and a knack for breaking down concepts in a way that makes it easy for them to understand.
  • I invest in my learning and am confident in what I've learned so far and I am always learning more.
In my personal life, when it came to my appearance, I knew the following three statements to be true.
  • There are lots and lots of women who look better than me and those are the women men are interested in.
  • My butt is too big, my hips are too wide, my thighs are chunky, my complexion is too dark, my hair is too short and my toes are just bizarre.
  • Basically, men do not find me attractive.
My confidence is/was high in both sets of statements. So, would it surprise you to learn that I've had infinitely more professional success than person (dating) success?

We all have confidence but it has to be the right confidence. It has to be confidence that is based in a positive truth. It should be a confidence that propels us forward and lifts us up. There are plenty forces out there willing to drag us down. Those forces should not exist within ourselves.

So, it's taken some work but I'm changing (you don't change decades of behavior overnight) the ideas around my appearance, and my confidence is growing. Now, I know ...
  • There are women that look better than me but I am attractive too.
  • I'm losing weight but no matter what they scale says, I'll always be a curvy, bootylicious girl and that doesn't have to be a source of shame or embarrassment. It can be a good thing!
  • Not every man will find me attractive, but some men will.
I can be confident in those statements. For one, they are true. Secondly, they are realistic. I'm not confident that I'm the second coming of Halle Berry or that every man I meet will fall to my feet suddenly blinded by my stunning beauty. LOL! Those statements aren't realistic to me therefore I could never believe and be confident in them. Confidence has to be grounded in reality.

What areas you can use a confidence make-over?


ALifeCoach said...

It is really important to put things on its proper places, like confidence.

ALifeCoach said...

*on their