When YOU Know Best

When I was volunteering for a job readiness program, one of the things I really enjoyed was reviewing resumes. However, I could always tell who had relied blindly on the spelling and grammar checkers. I could tell because I would come across sentences that made absolutely no sense. The job seeker often knew the sentence wasn't correct, their defense was that they just went with the grammar checker.

The assumption was that the grammar checker knew better than they did. Who were they to question something that the computer said. The computer is always right, right? Well, no. The spell check is good if you are close to the word you are trying to spell. However, with a language as complicated as English, the grammar checker is only correct a fraction of the time.

It is interesting that people will often abdicate their common sense, smarts and instincts because something or someone has more credibility. We lose the ability to question. We assume that we don't know enough and rely on the advice of the 'expert', whether it is a software program or a professional.

I remember when I purchased my house. I had a sizable amount in savings. However, I knew that the money was already earmarked for a specific purpose. The mortgage lender pre-approved me for a lot more than I could afford. Sure, I had shared with them some of my larger expenses, but I knew what I had day-to-day. Had I purchased a home for what I'd been approved for, I would have been in foreclosure within six months. Despite what I was told, I knew I couldn't afford that much house.

A close relative almost started a painful and expensive round of treatments based on what her doctor had told her. Luckily, her daughter got her to seek a second and then a third opinion. It turns out that what the first doctor proposed wasn't necessary. If she hadn't questioned that first diagnosis, she'd be going down a painful and costly path that was completely unnecessary.

Whether it is a software program, a doctor, a financial professional or someone else with an air of authority, we have to have the courage to ask questions and seek the information that we need. Real professionals expect us to have questions and would not be offended by a second opinion.

At the end of the day, we are the ones that have to live with our decisions, so we need to make them with all of the information at our disposal.

Bye, Bye Borders

I am heartbroken by the demise of my favorite bookstore. I loved shopping in Borders Books! I can’t tell you how many times I came across a great book just because I was browsing the shelves. I could buy it, grab a cup of coffee and get started reading it immediately (and not have to wait days on the postman). Don’t get me wrong, Amazon is great. Heck I publish and sell my books through Amazon. Yet, there is something about the Borders experience that I will definitely miss.

One of my best friends and I had a ritual. Every time I’d go home for a visit, we’d meet up at Borders. We’d browse the shelves, discuss the books and have a few good laughs. Next, we head downstairs for lunch at my favorite Chinese restaurant. What will we do now?

But the demise of Borders goes a lot deeper than my personal enjoyment. I worry about the overwhelming dominance of all things Internet. I liked going to Borders. I liked chatting up other bibliophiles. I liked picking up the books and flipping through the pages. I liked having that cup of coffee surrounded by other readers. I liked walking out of the store with my books in hand. I get none of that with an Internet purchase done in the silence and security of my own home. Sure, I can browse, but it isn’t the same.

Call me old-fashioned but I actually like getting out of the house. I like seeing other people. I like talking to other people. Sadly, I think those experiences are dying. We can download movies from the comfort of our homes through Netflix. We can buy books, clothes and just about everything else online. Who needs to actually see or speak to friends when you can Facebook, Tweet or text them? Kids don’t play outside anymore. They stay at home watching movies, playing video games and going online.

It isn’t surprising to me that common courtesy is becoming increasingly uncommon. Behind the anonymity of the computer, we don’t have to be nice, considerate or courteous. Is it any wonder that we are becoming less nice, considerate and courteous in the ‘real’ world?

A trip to the grocery store often illustrates my point in vivid color. As I look over the shelves for my favorite products, increasingly the people who walk in front of me can’t even mutter an “Excuse me.” As I check out, often the cashier doesn’t even make eye contact. At the end of the exchange, instead of telling me how much I owe, on many occasions, I’m expected to view my balance on the register. I’m not saying this happens all the time but it happens much too frequently.

I shudder to think about where all of this is headed.

I guess for now, I’ll have to find a Barnes and Nobles to get my book fix, still it won’t be the same.

Listening is an Art

It's interesting that most communication classes focus on speaking and presentation. However, speaking is only half of the communication equation, the other half is listening. If you have ever had a conversation with someone who was distracted or who was determined to hear what they wanted to hear and not what you said, you know that listening is just as important as speaking.

Listen to the Words. What is the other person saying? Listen to the whole thing. A lot of time we hear the first part of a person's statement and then we start mentally crafting our responses while the other person is still talking and guess what? We miss the rest of what they are saying.

Acknowledge the Speaker. This is especially important if someone is sharing something important or heartfelt with you. Paraphrase what they are saying back to them so they know that you are listening. Give listening fillers "Uh-huh," "Okay," "I see." If you are face-to-face, maintain eye contact or occasionally nod.

Listen Beyond the Word. If face-to-face, review the body language. Look at the facial expressions. Listen for inflection, tone and the emotion beyond the words. Something as simple as "Fine," can be completely different based on tone, inflection and body language.

Focus. In our multi-tasking world, it's easy to want to talk, text, return emails all at once. Respect the speaker by giving them your attention. If you must take a call or respond to a text, apologize for the interruption, do it quickly and re-focus on the person and the conversation.

Don't Assume: You know what happens when you assume. Ask if you have concerns or if you need clarification. I have a friend who literally has her own definitions for a lot of words. Her definitions many times have nothing to do with the actual definition. We used to argue all the time because I didn't understand how she was defining a word. Now I ask her for her definition before assuming that we're both using the Webster's definition.

Good communication has to include good listening. And remember, good listeners aren't always born that way, many of us have to learn how to listen well!

Ah! Love!: The Five Languages of Love

Every Monday in February, we are focusing on some aspect of love. After all, as the song says, Love is a many splendored thing!

Marriage counselor Gary Chapman has written an amazing book called The Five Love Languages. The premise is simple. There are five primary ways that people express and interpret love. The languages are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.

Problems arise when two people get together and find that they are speaking two different languages.

If your primary language is Quality Time then you appreciate long drives with a partner, spending an evening together, a weekend away or even time spent together watching TV. When your partner spends time with you, you feel loved. When you offer to spend time with your loved one, you expect them to be loved as well. After all, it works for you, right?

Uh-oh.

Your partner's primary language is Acts of Service. He gets your car fixed. He makes sure the lawn is mowed and he picks up after himself at the house. In fact, he's always showing you that he loves you, so much so that he's too busy to want to sit around and talk! He doesn't understand why you don't appreciate him for all he does.

See the problem here?

We speak one language and we naturally assume that our partner speaks that language as well. When they don't, we misinterpret their actions or we feel that our needs aren't being met. We need to know our language but we also need to know our partners as well.

Want to know what love language you're speaking. Take the quiz and find out. Come back and share your results!