The Praise Sandwich

Coins have both heads and tails. If you flip them long enough, you will find that the odds of getting heads or tails is pretty even – one shows up as often as the other. Praise and criticism are also two sides of the same coin. However, if you look at how often praise is delivered and how often criticism is delivered, could you honestly say that both sides end up equal, or is your flipping a little lopsided?

This is my blog and I’ve already given you all way to much information about me. But here comes some more! My family has always had a tendency to find criticism helpful and too much praise to be coddling. For instance, if I show them my Get It Together Girl workbook or send them a link to my blog, their first comment will be something about a typo or other mistake they’ve found. I can remember bringing home a test where I got 49/50. My mom’s first question was, “What did you miss?”

Sure, eventually, they’ll get around to saying something positive, but it’s almost certain that the first words they utter will not be.

I don’t say this as an indictment of my family because I know why they do it. Criticism, from their perspective, is what I need to perform better. Criticism lets me know where I need to improve. They are coming from a place of love and I recognize that. However, I also recognize that we need praise in equal measure.

Criticism lets me know where and how I need to improve. Praise lets me know what I’m doing right and what my strengths are. We all need both, and like the coin, we need them in more equal measures.

I don’t think my family is alone in singing the praises of criticism. I think a lot of us focus on what can be done better or differently. Criticism can be a motivator but only when it is paired with praise. A discussion of weaknesses is not complete without a discussion of strengths.

Without praise, all someone hears is what they are doing wrong and if that is all someone hears then the question becomes, “What’s the point of doing anything?” or “Why bother?”

So here are some final thoughts.

• When giving praise and criticism, start with praise first.
• Be as specific about praise as you are about criticism.
• Don’t use the word ‘but’ to start off the criticism, because that word negates everything that comes before it.
• If you can, end by offering a solution or a little more praise.

NOT: “I noticed you were a bit flat going into the chorus but I enjoyed your performance (vague praise and coming after the BUT the praise sounds like an afterthought).”

BETTER: “I loved the tone of your voice and that song really emphasized your range (specific praise, given first). I did notice a little flatness going into the chorus (specific criticism). I’m sure that is something you can easily work on with your vocal coach (solution).

If you are going to be quick to criticize, be prepared to praise!

Life Lessons: You Don’t Know, So Don’t Assume

September is a reflective time for me. As I turn 43 this month, I started thinking about some Life Lessons I’ve learned over the years and thought I’d share them.

Some people seem to have it all – money, career, a great relationship, angelic kids. Obviously, those people are doing something we aren’t. There they sit on top of the mountain while we struggle to make the climb. Oh, they have it so easy.


But how do you know that?


From the outside looking in, it is easy for things to look good. Think of the myth of the mermaid. After being out to see for months at a time, pirates and seamen would be lonely for companionship. They’d look across the water and in the distance see what appeared to be a mermaid, half woman/half fish, frolicking in the water. Upon closer inspection, what they thought was a mermaid, was actually a sea mammal called a manatee. If you’ve ever seen a manatee (look at the post photo), you’d know that these men must have been pretty desperate!


Yet, from a distance, that manatee appeared to be something completely different. So it is when we look at other people’s lives. We see them from a distance too. We don’t know what they’ve been through. We don’t know their traumas, we don’t know their sacrifices, and we don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.


I was talking to a friend of mine who is having a difficult time and when she looked at other people, she compared her struggles to theirs and came up short. She assumed that others were having an easier time. I asked her how she knew that. It’s possible that they were but in many cases, they have a host of their own issues to deal with.


I’m not suggesting that we wish something bad people who are doing well or assume that their life is a lie and they are just pretending to be happy. I’m suggesting that people are people and we all have our struggles and just because we don’t see those struggles from our seat in the back row doesn’t mean they aren’t there.


It’s easy to compare ourselves to other successful people and the further they are away from us, the easier we assume they have it. Rarely do we ascribe perfect lives to the people closest to us. In those cases, we know enough to know some of their struggles.

Recognize that all of us are human. We win. We lose. We have our ups. We have our downs. We have our regrets and our mistakes – every one of us. We all have a story to tell and if we sat down and heard some of those stories, I guarantee we’d be surprised.

U-Turn

You have a plan. You are committed to your plan. You are working your plan. But, something isn’t right. You are getting results, but you aren’t happy with the results you are getting. It isn’t what you expected. In fact, you aren’t even sure this is what you want anymore. You might even know that you don’t want it anymore. What should you do?

Well, a U-Turn might be in order.

From the time I was a little girl, I wanted to be an attorney. On rainy days, I’d play court in the basement. I would set up two TV trays, one representing the defense and the other the prosecution. For the judge, I moved one bar stool behind the bar and placed the ice breaker there so he could pound it and demand “Order in the court.” My teddy bear Curtis played all the witnesses. I would jump from tray to tray, examining and cross examining my ‘witness’ and occasionally I’d jump behind the bar and pound my mallet and make a ruling. What can I say, I was an only child.

When I got to college, I declared journalism as my undergraduate major. I thought the focus on writing and speaking would serve me well when I got to law school. There was one problem. By the time senior year rolled around, I had this nagging feeling that the law wasn’t for me. We had to take a number of law classes in –J-School, because the law plays such a major part in a lot of the news stories we’d be covering and I realized something. I didn’t like it.

I realized that I was in love with the idea of the law. I was in love with what I thought it was. The reality was something different entirely. And I didn’t like that reality.

My path was clear though. I was traveling in one direction. I was looking into law schools and my boyfriend at the time was looking into trying to get his commission somewhere near where I was going to be (based on the law school I chose). My father and my family were looking forward to having a lawyer in the family.

I made a U-Turn … and a pretty big one at that.

I decided not to go to law school. I couldn’t see spending three years and tens of thousands of dollars doing something I knew I didn’t want to do, something my heart was no longer in. I also knew, for a bunch of personal reasons, that I needed to end my relationship … and it really was me and not him. I just wasn’t ready.

My father and family still regret that I’m not a lawyer. I’m sure my ex- doesn’t regret the breakup, as he went on to meet and marry a wonderful woman and they have a great family. Regardless of what anyone else thinks or thought, what they feel or felt, I had to do something for me.

I disappointed everybody; but, I’m okay with that. I couldn’t live my life for them. I had to be true to myself. As the only one living my life, I’m the only one who controls when to put on the brakes, when to speed up and when to make a u-turn.

I’ve made a few more u-turns since then and I’ve taken my share of flack for those decisions but I’d rather chose my own path then have someone chose it for me or stay on the wrong path for fear of what someone else thinks.

When a driver makes a u-turn, it’s because he realizes that he’s going in the wrong direction and no matter how hard he tries, going the wrong way will never get him to his destination. Think about it.

Criticism: Taking It With Class

In the last post, I talked about giving criticism. Now I want to tackle the other side, receiving criticism. Unfortunately, not everyone knows how to give criticism which can make receiving criticism even more difficult. Criticism delivered in anger or with the intent to rattle you is absolutely no fun to receive.

Here are five tips for receiving criticism with class.

It Could Be Personal: A lot of people will tell you not to take things personally. However, there are times when it is personal… at least to the other person. When people take things personally, they often lash out – wanting you to take it personally too. Don’t take the bait. I know, much easier said than done. Half the battle is realizing what they are trying to do (even if they don’t recognize it themselves). It helps me, if I make it into a game. I call it The I-Know-You-Are-Trying-To-Get-To-Me-But-I-Won’t-Let-You Game. The object of the game is to remain calm. If I do, I win!

Listen for Lessons: Even when criticism is delivered badly, there is normally a nugget of truth you can take from it. Focus on listening for that lesson and less on the delivery. If you can get the lesson, you can keep from making the same mistakes in the future.

Speak Up: If you have a question, ask it. If you need clarification, get it. If you can offer an explanation, explain it. You are not a puppy who has no choice but to walk away with his tail between his legs. The trick to speaking up is to do it calmly and matter-of-factly. You don’t want to be sucked into an emotional sinkhole that will inevitably end up as an argument.

Don’t Let It Get You Down: It can be hard, especially if you are being criticized about something important to you, to not take it personally. Sometimes, we let the criticism define us and we extrapolate the situation and make it bigger, darker and meaner than it ever was. Contain it. The criticism was on one topic, don’t turn it into an indictment about your personality and character. “I’m so stupid.” “I always make dumb mistakes.” “I never get it right.” Keep your criticisms focused and small. “I need to make a little time for chores.” “I need to proofread better.”

Take Action: Once you find the lesson, what did you learn? What can you do better next time? How can you prevent this same criticism from happening again? “I need to leave 10 minutes earlier so I’m not late for work.” “I need to get a second set of eyes to read over my work.” “I need to get the chores done before I get involved in something else.”

Criticism becomes constructive when you know how to use it to improve.

Criticism - Giving It with Class

Criticism. It’s difficult to give and even harder to receive. So I’m going to do a short series (just two posts) on criticism. The first, this one, will cover giving criticism and the second receiving it. In coaching, we talk a lot about asserting yourself and setting boundaries. One critical component of standing up for yourself involves delivering information or opinions that might not be so nice. When we keep things to ourselves and pray that they ‘work themselves out’ we often make problems worse.

Here are five tips that will help you deliver criticism with class.

Praise in Public, Criticize in Private: When good things happen, acknowledge them. People want to hear when they are doing something right and it’s a good idea, in many cases, to make your satisfaction known. However, if you have something critical or challenging to say, pull someone aside and do it privately. This is true at work and at home. Share your successes, but take your problems up in private, in a one-on-one situation.

Own It: When you use ‘you statements’ they often come across as accusatory. It’s like a verbal finger pointing. “You should have …” “Why didn’t you…” ‘I statements’ don’t sound as harsh. “I wish you would have…” “I expected…” When people realize that a criticism is coming their defenses immediately go up. You statements force those defenses up even higher!

Calm, Cool and Collected: Do not deliver criticism when you are angry, annoyed or frustrated. Your tone of voice says more than your words ever will. If you must, wait until you’ve calmed down first. When you give criticism while angry almost guarantees an argument or conflict, making a bad situation even worse.

Get On the Good Foot: If at all possible, start the discussion with something positive and then go into the harder stuff. For example, “I loved the content of your presentation. I think your ideas were right on point however, I need you to be a little more diligent when it comes to proof-reading.”

Take Action: Don’t just say what is wrong or what you didn’t like. Offer suggestions on how the situation could be improved. “If you take 10 minutes when you get home from school to do your chores, you could get them out of the way in a snap.”