Stop Tolerating Your Tolerations

What are you tolerating? In other words, what do you have in your environment that you can change but haven’t. In coaching school, we called these things tolerations. If you wear a size 11 shoe, you might not be happy with that, but there is nothing you can do about your shoe size. This would not be a toleration. However, if you have a lot of shoes you never wear and should be donated, you have a toleration. If you need to buy a good pair of basic black pumps but you’ve put it off, you have toleration.

The problem with tolerations is that they zap your energy. They nag at you. I’ll give you an example. When I pulled into the driveway, I would see the tall shrubs lining one side of my driveway. Every day I would think about how much I needed to trim them. When I would get out of the car, I would think about how much I needed to sweep out the garage. Finally, I’d walk into the house and see the spots over the security system panel that I needed to touch up with paint. These little things nagged at me on a daily basis.

Recently, I decided to take a look at my tolerations. I sat down one Saturday morning and made a list. Before long, I had over 20 tolerations … including the ones I just mentioned. I had nothing planned for the day so I decided to knock out a few. Before the weekend was over, I’d knocked out about 20 of the tolerations on my list! Most were minor, not time-consuming and just needed to be done. So I took some time and did them.

Now, when I pull up in the driveway, I am not besotted with nagging feelings of the things I need to do … they are done! It’s a great feeling.

Tolerations aren’t a new concept. When most people think of the ancient Chinese practice of Feng Shui, they think of moving furniture. However, students of Feng Shui know that the first steps of Feng Shui involve clearing clutter, fixing things that are broken and handling all of those nagging things that are around all of us every day. Students of Feng Shui do this to improve the flow of energy through the house. In other words, they handle their tolerations!

Make your list and begin handling them. You might not have a full day but you can tackle them one at a time. The great thing is that once you start, you’ll feel the difference and have the momentum to keep it going!

Karyn Beach: Life Coach

In all the time I’ve been writing this blog, I don’t think I’ve ever really explained how I became a life coach.

After spending over a decade in training and development, I was getting burned out. Training is often an uphill battle as you’re often training people who don’t want to be trained and who don’t share your love of learning (and most trainers really do love learning and teaching).

I remember running to the bathroom before a class. While in the stall, several women prepared to leave. They were headed to my class … and talking about how they did not want to be there and what a waste of time it would be.

I was crestfallen. Talk about knocking the wind out of someone’s sails! The class went well, but I started thinking. I love training but I’d also love to work with people who wanted to be worked with. How could I do both: enjoy training and work with people who wanted to be worked with?

While walking my dog a few days later, it came to me, life coaching! I’d had a very positive experience with a life coach about two years earlier. She helped me get over some of the hurdles that kept me from saving money. Not only did I start saving as a result of our sessions but I thoroughly enjoyed the experience. Coaching would be an excellent way to help people learn about the most fascinating subject of all … themselves!

Becoming a coach through Coach Inc. was a transformative experience. As I learned about coaching, I learned a lot about myself. It was incredible. This blog is an outgrowth of that training. Through these posts, I hope to give you a few things to think about and some practical tips you can apply to learn more about yourself and improve your life right now.

The name of my coaching business and my blog is Lose the Excuses because, as a coach, that is exactly what I do. I help people lose the excuses that stand between them and living the life of their dreams. You can have more, be more and do more and you can start right now, right where you are and using what you have.

I'm still a corporate trainer and instructional designer by day, but my coaching has given me a valuable means of reaching out and making an impact on others ... through coaching, my blog and my books. I love it!

Everyone is Confident!

As a coach, I like to check out and listen to other coaches. One of my favorites is Christine Pembleton, a dating and relationship coach (http://www.readytobeawife.com/). She released a short video on what women can do to attract men and a lot of it boiled down to one word: confidence. It made sense to me immediately, but the next thing she said really blew my mind. She said that we are all confident ... it's just that some times we are often confident in the wrong things.

I connected with that statement easily. For years, from my teens through my early 30's, I suffered from low confidence about my appearance. However, when it came to my work, my confidence was high (almost too high! LOL!!!!). So what was the difference?

The difference was exactly what Coach Christine had said. In the area of my appearance, my confidence was misplaced. When it came to my work and professionalism, it was right on target.

At work, I am confident. I know the following three statements to be true.

• I am a talented writer and I can turn around a writing project quickly.
• As a trainer, I have the ability to connect with my students and a knack for breaking down concepts in a way that makes it easy for them to understand.
• I invest in my learning and am confident in what I've learned so far and I am always learning more.

In my personal life, when it came to my appearance, I knew the following three statements to be true.

• There are lots and lots of women who look better than me and those are the women men are interested in.
• My butt is too big, my hips are too wide, my thighs are chunky, my complexion is too dark, my hair is too short and my toes are just bizarre.
• Basically, men do not find me attractive.

My confidence is/was high in both sets of statements. So, would it surprise you to learn that I've had infinitely more professional success than person (dating) success?

We all have confidence but it has to be the right confidence. It has to be confidence that is based in a positive truth. It should be a confidence that propels us forward and lifts us up. There are plenty forces out there willing to drag us down. Those forces should not exist within ourselves.

So, it's taken some work but I'm changing (you don't change decades of behavior overnight) the ideas around my appearance, and my confidence is growing. Now, I know ...

• There are women that look better than me but I am attractive too.
• I'm losing weight but no matter what they scale says, I'll always be a curvy, bootylicious girl and that doesn't have to be a source of shame or embarrassment. It can be a good thing!
• Not every man will find me attractive, but some men will.

I can be confident in those statements. For one, they are true. Secondly, they are realistic. I'm not confident that I'm the second coming of Halle Berry or that every man I meet will fall to my feet suddenly blinded by my stunning beauty. LOL! Those statements aren't realistic to me therefore I could never believe and be confident in them. Confidence has to be grounded in reality.

What areas you can use a confidence make-over?

The Uncle Johnny Syndrome

I love my Uncle Johnny, I do. The last time I saw him he said, “If somebody would just let me, I could solve all the world’s problems.” And, he really thinks he can. The credit crisis, crime, educational issues, he can do it all! During a family dinner, we discussed African-American women and the pool of eligible men. He said, “If Black women can’t find men to marry, then they need to go to the prisons and find a man with potential.” My dad almost choked on his chicken in response to that one. Uncle Johnny is also an expert on home buying, taxes, the upcoming election and suitable hair styles for women.

Incredibly, he is not usually the most reliable when it comes to advice on anything. Through trial and a lot of error, I’ve learned that if I need advice, I need to get it from an expert and not rely on the Uncle Johnny’s of the world (and there are a lot of them). So now, if I need advice on buying a home, I talk to a realtor. When I need legal advice, I find a lawyer. I go to a tax man for tax advice.

If we are truly committed to leading a life of happiness and satisfaction, we need to surround ourselves not just with people who can support us emotionally, although that is essential, but with people who have the know-how and the expertise that can help us make the right decisions.

And Uncle Johnny, I go to him when I need a good laugh or a lively conversation. He’s good for that.

What's the best, or worse, advice you've received from an Uncle Johnny?

Friendless

I used to have a very bad habit of beating myself up. If I didn’t meet a goal I’d set for myself or if I didn’t perform as well as I had hoped, the negative voices would start. “Goodness! And people actually think you’re smart.” “You can’t do any better than that?” “Just look at you!”

Then, I was talking to a friend after a particularly bad day and she said something remarkable. She said something that literally changed my life. She said, “If you talked to your friends the way you talk to yourself, you wouldn’t have any friends.”

Wow.

She was right. I go out of my way to be positive and kind to my friends, co-workers … and even strangers, but I was unable to extend that same basic courtesy and kindness to myself.

It was at that point that I started really observing how I talked to myself. It was shocking and I knew it had to change. So when the negative self-talk would start, I’d start talking back. “No, I’m not an idiot.” “I made a mistake, these things happen.”

On several occasions, I even broke out the pen and the pad and wrote out what I liked about myself or all the reasons why I wasn’t an idiot. And it took some time but it began to work.

I can’t say that I never have a negative thought or that I never throw myself a good old fashioned pity party, but it happens now a lot less frequently and when it does happen it doesn’t happen for as long.

Life on Purpose

Earlier today, I participated in a tele-class on finding your life’s purpose. There were hundreds of us on the call. In his introduction, the leader said something I found remarkable. Not everyone wants to know what their purpose is. Why wouldn’t you want to know why you are here, having this experience? Why wouldn’t you want to know what it is you are supposed to do or how you are supposed to contribute?

He gave two reasons. Some people are content to go through life from day-to-day, never realizing and never caring about doing something, or being something more than what they already are. Others are scared to know their purpose. If they knew it, they would have to act on it. Not knowing means not doing.

For those who want to know their purpose, the major obstacle to finding it can be summed up in one word: fear. As long as we fear our purpose - what it could be, what it could mean, what it would require of us and what we might have to sacrifice to get it - we’ll never know it.

Personally, I feel strongly that coaching is part of my purpose. I am passionate about it. Whether I’m working with a client, writing this blog, coordinating a workshop or a tele-class, I truly love what I do and I know that I've had a positive impact on the lives of my clients. I feel that has to be a part of my purpose.

I’m looking forward to delving more deeply into uncovering my purpose.

What about you? Have you found your purpose or your passion? Do you feel that kind of quest is even relevant to your life?