Hurry Up and Wait

When it comes to my work as a trainer and as a life coach, I have the patience of Job. I can go over the same topic again and again and again until a student or client gets it. I can wait until they experience that magical ‘Aha!’ moment when it all comes together. Personally, however, I am as impatient as they come. I don’t want to wait. Ever. For example, when the traffic light turns green, I blast through it leaving the other cars in the dust. Waiting is not my forte.

Yet, I pay a high price for my impatience. I pay that price in the currency of frustration and mistakes made out of haste. I wish I could apply the patience I show professionally, and even personally with others, to myself. When it comes to patience I am definitely a work in progress.

When I am tempted to react impatiently, I try to take a breath and think about all of the times that waiting has paid off. I think about the times I ended up with something better than what I wanted. After my car broke down, I spent a year in a half in a 20-year old car with no air conditioning and no radio. I was miserable in the summer months! I wanted a new car! Yet, after 18-months, I ended up not with the car I wanted but the car that was one grade up from that. Waiting paid off.

I also think about all the times I ended up grateful that I didn’t get what I wanted at the time or when I got what I wanted and would have been better off waiting. I remember jumping into a relationship because I felt I was ready for one. So I jumped into one with the wrong person. Clearly, I’d have been better off if I had wanted and not jumped at the first guy that came along.

I also realize that if I have time to be impatient, I’m probably not focusing on the right thing. Usually, there are some things I can be doing to improve myself, my situation or my outcome. Impatience in those cases is a sign that my focus is off.

Time spent in impatience is time wasted.

Failure IS an Option

Failure isn't just an option, if you are going after something major, failure is inevitable. I recently came across an issue of the Harvard Business Review that came out on the spring. It's dedicated to failure. Yes, I said failure. We talk often about success but failure is never discussed. It's the other F word, and like the obscene F word, we don't want to use it in polite company. Yet, failure is the flip side of success - two sides of the very same coin. With a coin, you can't have heads without tails and you can't have success without failure.

The issue focuses on some of businesses biggest CEOs and their philosophies and stories of failure. One succinctly said, "The only failure in failure is when we fail to learn from it." An very compelling argument can be made that we learn more from failure than success. Also failing prior to succeeding makes our success, when we get it, that much sweeter. We appreciate it that much more.

It scares me when I see how many parents shield their kids from failure, in an effort to improve their self-esteem. The problem with that is that it doesn't work. Winning all of the time, being rewarded for just showing up and being coddled and told you are wonderful 24 hours a day doesn't build self-esteem as much as it creates a dangerous level of narcissism. Learning that you are okay even when you fail and learning how to bounce back and be resilient are much better teachers of self-esteem.

I remember once, as a child, I was so bored that I actually did my chores. I did them without being chided, yelled at or reminded incessantly. I thought I was hot stuff. I went to my mom and proudly announced, "I did all of my chores today." She looked at me with a blank expression and said, "And? That's nice but I'm not going to reward you for doing what you are supposed to do."

On another occasion, I auditioned for a play and did not get the lead role. I was crestfallen. After consoling me, my mother gave me my plan of action. "So you didn't get the lead role," she said. "You did get a nice sized role though and that's great. Now you make sure you play that role to the best of your ability and maybe next year, you'll get the lead."

She didn't go to school and argue with the teacher that made the decision. She didn't argue with the mom of the girl who did. She explained that even when we don't get what we want, we have to do the best that we can with it. Failure, in my parents' eyes should make us work that much harder. What did that other girl have that I didn't? What can I do to be better? How can I improve so that next year, I have a fighting change.

After several rehearsals I realized she was a darn good actress. She also had a much better voice than I did and this was a musical. I wasn't the lead but I understood why. Still, I took Mom's advice, but I made an impact in every scene I had (I even stole a few). I never got the lead in a musical, but a few years later, I did get a leading role.

There were other times when I probably should have gotten a role or something else I worked for. When I would complain about the unfairness of it all or why I deserved what I didn't get, my Dad would agree. "You are right," he'd say - immediately making me feel better. "It isn't fair and you probably did deserve it but life isn't fair and you don't get everything you want or everything you work for. Keep it moving and eventually something will work out, but not if you just sit here and whine about it."

The moral of the story is that I grew up knowing that failure happens. Good self-esteem is born of successes and failures. You don't get everything you want all of the time. You don't get every job you apply for. Every guy or girl you like doesn't like you back. You don’t get every role you audition for.

Failure is nothing to fear. It's part of life and it doesn't define you. Failing a few times is a good thing, it means you are in the game. You'll never win if you sit on the sidelines and wait for the perfect opportunity. It certainly doesn't mean you're not good enough, smart enough or pretty enough. True elf-esteem comes from within and the belief that you are good enough when you win and when you lose.

Bye, Bye Borders

I am heartbroken by the demise of my favorite bookstore. I loved shopping in Borders Books! I can’t tell you how many times I came across a great book just because I was browsing the shelves. I could buy it, grab a cup of coffee and get started reading it immediately (and not have to wait days on the postman). Don’t get me wrong, Amazon is great. Heck I publish and sell my books through Amazon. Yet, there is something about the Borders experience that I will definitely miss.

One of my best friends and I had a ritual. Every time I’d go home for a visit, we’d meet up at Borders. We’d browse the shelves, discuss the books and have a few good laughs. Next, we head downstairs for lunch at my favorite Chinese restaurant. What will we do now?

But the demise of Borders goes a lot deeper than my personal enjoyment. I worry about the overwhelming dominance of all things Internet. I liked going to Borders. I liked chatting up other bibliophiles. I liked picking up the books and flipping through the pages. I liked having that cup of coffee surrounded by other readers. I liked walking out of the store with my books in hand. I get none of that with an Internet purchase done in the silence and security of my own home. Sure, I can browse, but it isn’t the same.

Call me old-fashioned but I actually like getting out of the house. I like seeing other people. I like talking to other people. Sadly, I think those experiences are dying. We can download movies from the comfort of our homes through Netflix. We can buy books, clothes and just about everything else online. Who needs to actually see or speak to friends when you can Facebook, Tweet or text them? Kids don’t play outside anymore. They stay at home watching movies, playing video games and going online.

It isn’t surprising to me that common courtesy is becoming increasingly uncommon. Behind the anonymity of the computer, we don’t have to be nice, considerate or courteous. Is it any wonder that we are becoming less nice, considerate and courteous in the ‘real’ world?

A trip to the grocery store often illustrates my point in vivid color. As I look over the shelves for my favorite products, increasingly the people who walk in front of me can’t even mutter an “Excuse me.” As I check out, often the cashier doesn’t even make eye contact. At the end of the exchange, instead of telling me how much I owe, on many occasions, I’m expected to view my balance on the register. I’m not saying this happens all the time but it happens much too frequently.

I shudder to think about where all of this is headed.

I guess for now, I’ll have to find a Barnes and Nobles to get my book fix, still it won’t be the same.

Stupid and Simple-minded

We hear a lot from people about tolerance. Basically, we are supposed to tolerate the point of view of others who do not agree with us. Sadly, I’ve seen it happen all too often that the people who demand tolerance the most are often the last to give it.

I’ve been called stupid and simple-minded (and yes those were the actual words used) while answering the seemingly innocent question, “What did you do over the weekend?” The problem wasn’t that I saw a movie or that I slept in on Saturday, it was because my list of weekend activities, included church. Gasp!

Am I supposed to tolerate someone who calls me names because I don’t ascribe to his belief system? Is tolerance letting someone talk down to me and insult me without being given a chance to respond?

Politics is another arena rife with intolerance. It has become perfectly acceptable for parties on both sides to be mean-spirited, call names and treat those who hold different beliefs in contempt … all the while making their demands for tolerance. There are political pundits and blowhards on both sides who have made a career out of intolerance and it’s scary.

True tolerance runs both ways. You should give the tolerance you want to receive. It starts with recognizing that although our religions, races, politics, sexual preferences, and so on, might be different, we all share some very basic commonalities. We are all human beings. We all experience love and loss, hope and despair, fear and anger. We all need food, water, and sleep to survive. We need to treat each other with the basic respect we crave, not because someone agrees or disagrees with us but because that someone is a someone.

After recognizing someone’s humanity, the next step is to recognize their individuality. I’ve noticed there is a tendency to group people together and demonize all of them. In the diatribe that followed after I admitted going to church, my co-worker assumed that I hated gays and wished AIDS on them (which I definitely do not) and that I held contempt for atheist and people of other faiths (which I do not). I stopped being a human being and became one of them. It’s easy to detest those people; it’s harder to detest a him, a her or a me.

If you want to receive tolerance, be the first to give it.

Getting to Goal: Check-in

If you set some goals for yourself this year (notice I didn't say resolutions), how are you doing? If you have fallen off the wagon, I want to encourage you to get back on.

If you get off track, know that it's not too late, it's never too late to get back on. The difference between success and failure isn't that you have fallen of track, it's that you didn't get back on.

Success is never flawless. Ask any 'success' story and they will regale you with stories of all of their bumps and bruises; missed opportunities; and mistakes. And this goes for any and all success. We could be talking about Mark Zuckerberg or Bill Gates. We could be talking about your cousin who lost fifteen pounds or your best friend who made self-care a priority.

Heck, Bill Gates dropped out of college and his first business failed. They made a movie about all the bridges Mark Zuckerberg burned while creating Facebook. If you talk to your cousin, she'll tell you about the time she had a few donuts at the Monday morning meeting or how she went a week without exercising. Your best friend can tell you about how difficult it was to break her workaholic ways.

The journey to success is bumpy. It's filled with potholes and detours. It doesn't matter if you fall off of the horse or how many times you fall, the important thing is that you always get up.

Failure doesn't make you a failure; it makes you human.

Getting to Goal: Discouraged?

Every Monday in January, we will be looking at setting and keeping a realistic set of goals. Join us for tips on staying on track and setting workable and achievable goals.



Along the road to success, you’ll encounter roadblocks. We’ve discussed that. You will encounter naysayers. We’ve dealt with that. However, when you encounter, a couple of roadblocks and naysayers on top of a couple of bad days, it’s easy to get discouraged. It’s easy to give up.

Don’t do it.

You’ve been successful before and you can be successful again. I know it. You know it. If you have graduated from high school or college, you’ve succeeded. If you have raised happy or healthy kids, you’ve achieved success. If you have learned how to drive, you’ve succeeded. If you’ve avoided causing any accidents, you’ve succeeded!

These seem like simple examples, but they prove my point. You’ve had success. One in four high school students will not graduate. So high school graduation in and of itself is a success. These examples prove that you stuck with something until you got the desired results.

If you have lost weight or pursued a college education, you succeeded by chipping away at your goal, day after day. If you stopped smoking, it didn’t happen overnight.

If you are in the storm, know that the storm eventually passes. Even a hurricane doesn’t last forever.
You’re in it for the long haul. Ride out the storm and know that your personal sun will shine again.

The Upside of Frustration

It’s good to be happy. There is no arguing that point. It’s good to feel contented. We work hard to achieve that state. Contentment isn’t perfection. To me, contentment is a state where you have some stress but not more than you can handle. You aren’t living a problem-free existence but you don’t have problems that completely overwhelm you either. The relationship is moving along. Work is good. The only ‘drama’ in your life comes from the television. Basically, you are in a good place.

Yet we know that there are many times when we are not content. There are areas in our lives where we are unhappy or dissatisfied. Those emotions can lead to a sense of frustration, but frustration isn’t necessarily a bad thing. There is something good to be said about a state of frustration.

Frustration stems from having unfulfilled needs or unresolved issues. Frustration says to us, “You need to do something.” Something could be as simple as having a conversation and expressing yourself. It could mean something bigger … finding a new job or ending a relationship. It could start with owning up to a situation or facing a hard truth.

If you want to move from frustration to eventual contentment, you are going to have to do something … something proactive. What won’t work is doing something reactive. Lashing out in anger or hiding your feelings under a numbing cloak of food, sleep, shopping, drugs or alcohol will just make things worse. Just as bad as doing something reactive is doing nothing. Burying your head in the sand, refusing to acknowledge the reality of your situation or just trying to wish it away won’t work.

To act proactively, you have to do something that a) won’t make you feel worse b) moves you towards a real solution. Having an honest discussion, with a co-worker, boss or partner about your expectations would be proactive. Sitting down with all of your bills and expenses and figuring out exactly how much you owe would be proactive. Logging on to a job search site to see what else is available or brushing up your resume would be proactive.

Feeling frustrated? Take action!

Sorry But We Only Take Cash, Checks, Credit and Debit Cards

Jessica had recently lost her job. To say that she and her immediate supervisor didn’t get along would have been an understatement. In fact, on several occasions, Jessica went over her supervisor’s head and took her complaints directly to their manager. Finally, after months of conflict and tension, the two women had a confrontation and Jessica left stormed off the job, mid-shift, in a huff.

The manager called her at home and offered to mediate a meeting between Jessica and her supervisor. As Jessica recounted this story to me, she said proudly that she refused to attend the meeting. She couldn’t stand the supervisor and told her boss’s boss that she would not even sit in the same room as her supervisor much less talk to her.

So, Jessica lost her job.

Here we were, months later, Jessica was still out of work, and she told that story with pride. You can hear the “I showed them” intonation of her voice.

So, I asked her how she felt about what she had done. Of course, she was proud. In Jessica’s mind, it was a victory because she stood her ground. She didn’t let the supervisor or the manager get the best of her.

I followed up with another question. I smiled and asked her how many bills could she pay with that pride? Would they accept it as payment in the grocery store or at the gas station? She was speechless.

Jessica is still riding off the high of the emotional victory. Yet, the reality of her situation tells a different story. She might have ‘showed them’ but they still have jobs. They can still meet their financial obligations. They aren’t out there pounding the pavement in the worst job market that many of us have seen in our lifetimes.

Emotions are powerful and intense and necessary. A life without a mixture of happiness, sadness, passion, laughter and even a little anger or righteous indignation wouldn’t be much of a life. But, we have to learn how to effectively harness the power of our feelings. If we don’t, we can end up jobless and/or alone.

Taking back things said and done during moments of intense emotion is about as difficult as putting toothpaste back in the tube. It isn’t going to work.

Here are a few tips to help you keep your cool, when your emotions start to heat up:

Leave: When possible remove yourself from the situation. Even if you can just spend five minutes in the bathroom or in your car, step away.

Bite Your Tongue: Don’t respond with anger, sarcasm or condescension. The best thing to do is to not say anything until you calm down.

Vent to a Disinterested Party: Vent to someone who has absolutely nothing to do with the situation or the people involved. Venting to family and co-workers just puts the rumor mill into overdrive and increases the chances for hurt feelings, confusion and manipulation.

Navigating Through the Negative

On the path to success, you will encounter naysayers, doubters and people who will try to shoot you down. They will offer unconstructive criticism. They will question your commitment or your abilities. They may even actively try to sabotage you. But it’s not what they do that matters, it’s what you do that will make the difference.

When this happens to you – and it will if you are trying to do something different from others around you, it pays to ask yourself a couple of questions.

Is there anything positive I can take from this situation? This question is particularly useful in the face of unjust or unfair criticism. Just because it is unjust or unfair doesn’t mean that there can’t be a nugget of truth in it. Look for that nugget. If you find one, great. If not, keep your head up and keep going.

Is this worth a response? When it comes to criticism and comments from close family and friends and even those who aren’t close to us, our knee-jerk reaction is to defend ourselves, our choices and our actions. But is that always the best way to go? When it comes to people who are dead-set in their ways and beliefs, is it worth it to defend your position? Is defending yourself really the best use of your time, your energy and emotion?

Is there away to avoid this situation in the future? Consider putting some distance between you and this person. If they are family or close friends, you might not be able to do this or even want to, however, you don’t necessarily have to share your dreams and your progress with them. If it is an acquaintance, do you have to interact with this person at all. Finally, consider having a discussion with this person at a later time – once emotions have cooled and some time has passed.

Here is a case in point: I recently had what turned out to be a very contentious phone call with a business associate. It became clear after almost 10 minutes that we simply weren’t going to come to a consensus on the matter. When we ended the call, I felt we were done - agree to disagree and go our own ways. The next morning I received an email from him. He reiterated his points and accused me of not being committed to my career as a coach.

My knee-jerk reaction was to rattle off an email in the same condescending tone that he took with me. But I put some thought into it first.

Is there anything positive I can take from this situation? I read his email and there were one or two things that he mentioned that I could be doing to further my business.

Is it worth a response: This is a man I haven’t had contact with in over six months. He’s criticizing me with no knowledge of anything I’ve been doing during that time. Secondly, the only purpose of the email, from my perspective, was to engage me in a dialogue that was not going to be productive or positive. I decided not to respond to that email.

Is there away to avoid this situation in the future? Certainly. I set up a rule so that any emails from him automatically go to my junk folder. I also deleted him as a contact from Linked In.

Had I gone with the knee jerk reaction and responded with a catty email, I could have easily seen a back-and-forth that got increasingly nastier and nastier. Feelings would have been hurt, egos bruised. Emailing and getting emotionally would have taken a lot of time, wasted a lot of emotional energy and taken my focus off of the work that I needed to do. I decided that it simply wasn’t worth

It’s your dream. It’s your life. It’s yours to enjoy and it’s also yours to defend.

Get Some Satisfaction

The latest news reports say that the recession is over. While that may be true on paper and in theory, it’s another story in our everyday reality. Lately, I’ve had a number of clients and friends who are extremely disappointed in their current employment situation. Some are lay-off survivors who have endured pay cuts or pay freezes, the loss of work friends and a marked increase in workload. A few have found work but due to the lack of available positions took jobs making significantly less than what they were accustomed to or doing work that pays the bills but doesn’t really appeal to them.

The average worker works over 8 hours a day and commutes about 50 minutes a day. Add to that the time spent getting ready for work, decompressing from work and preparing for the next day of work, you see that the majority of the work week is spent at work or in work-related activities. We see our coworkers more than we see our children, significant others and friends.

Basically, we spent too much time at work to be miserable. And workplace misery rarely stays at the office. It makes the commute home with us and we end up snapping at the kids, arguing with the spouse and pushing away from the friends. It’s a vicious cycle. But how do we stop it?

Lay-off survivors and underemployed professionals hear the recession mantra all the time, “Be lucky that you have a job.” “At least you are working.” There is some truth to that but in and of itself it is rarely enough to get us through the day.

So what can we do take those lemons and make a satisfying lemonade?

Scavenger Hunt: As a kid, scavenger hunts were fun. We looked everywhere for hidden goodies and secret treasures. Do the same at work. Looking at your work tasks, look for a few tasks in your workday that you enjoy and can look forward to. Focus on those and not on the things you dread.

Don’t Dwell in Hell: Speaking of things you dread, try not to focus on those. Keep work in perspective. It’s something you do, it’s not who you are. This isn’t the 1950’s, you won’t be working in one place for 50 years and then retiring to a pension and a gold watch. The job you are in now is a bridge to something better. Success at your current job will pave the way for success at the next one.

Break on your Breaks: Working though your breaks on a regular basis is a recipe for burnout. Get away from your desk, office or cubicle for those 10 to 15 minutes. Use at least have of your lunch break to do something crazy like … eat lunch. Mentally, you need that time away. By taking just that 10 minutes to take a short walk, get a cup of coffee or a glass of water or just to talk to your work buddy about Hell’s Kitchen, you will return to your work with a stronger focus and a more relaxed demeanor.

Use Your Rearview: As you pull out of the parking lot at the end of the day, glance a couple times in your rearview mirror. Watch as your workplace fades into the background. The background is exactly where your workplace belongs at the end of the day. Don’t take your work woes home with you. Use your commute time to refocus on home. Even if you will have to take work home with you, put some space and time between the end of work and doing your work at home.

Change Your Attitude: Obviously an attitude of gratitude, being grateful to have a job, will only get you so far. Have an attitude of excellence with a clear focus on the future. If you want out of your current job, then master it. Do the absolute best you can. Concentrate on giving the best service to your customers, your coworkers and your boss. Focus on doing the best you can has clear benefits for them but there are also clear benefits for you. Taking your focus off the negative and on what you can do puts you in control and improves your attitude. It’s the definition of a win-win.

Finally, keep your chin up. This too shall pass … and when it does you will find yourself in a much better place.

A Hole in the Wall

A lot of us pride ourselves on being good advice-givers. A friend’s marital woes, a co-worker’s difficulties with the boss, your brother’s issues with his neighbors, the answers are obvious! Yet, when it comes to taking our own good advice, something happens. There is a disconnect. We know what we should do but …

It’s hard to take our own advice – but why is it so difficult to do what we know we should do? In getting Get It Together Girl ready, I had a heck of a time. Monday, the day I was planning to release the program, everything that could have gone wrong did. The PayPal buttons stopped working. All the sudden, I couldn’t pull up the Media Kit on-line. E-Book didn’t want to work. And, before noon about 10 other ugly issues reared their nasty little heads. Keep in mind, all of this was happening after I had gotten less than 8 hours of sleep over the entire weekend.

I called a friend in tears. As our call ended, another friend called and I cried on her shoulder too. Both of them gave me the same advice. Step away for a minute. Take a break. If I had been on the other end of the line, I would have given myself the exact same advice. Do you think I took it?

No. I kept going, calling help desks and trying to figure it out on my own, frustration continuing to mount. In fact, after one fruitless help desk call, I actually kicked the wall and made a hole in it!

Why didn’t I take what was clearly good and timely advice?

For one, emotion. My emotions were running high and, at that time, my emotions were actually more in control of me than my rational mind was. I was frustrated. I was upset. I was a little angry. I was on an emotional white water raft, careening over the fast and bubbling emotional rapids. I heard their words but I didn’t hear them.

Another reason it was hard to heed their advice was that I was the one with the investment. Sure they can tell me to take a break. What’s a break to them? I was the one who had written the eBook. I was the one who had developed the website and the media kit and the flier and the media list. This was me. It was an investment of my time, money and effort. And now, as all of this is about to come to fruition, you want me to take a break. I can’t break. I’m too close. Not now!

The hole in my wall stopped me. It stopped me cold. It made me realize how intense I’d become. I needed to break. And I did.

I went out and got something to eat. Being out of the house and away from my desk made a difference. It was only a half hour but my perspective changed. It was while I was away that I came up with a reason why all the website problems might have been happening. And, it worked. When I got back and implemented that one change, about 8 of those 10 problems were resolved. And getting that book out on time became a reality.

I worked the rest of the afternoon and resolved those last few problems and by early evening, I was sending out emails announcing the Get It Together Girl program.

Now, I also have, in that hole in my wall, a very real reminder of the importance of taking my own advice.

Your Words, Part 2: Impacting Others

Anyone who’s been bullied on the playground, gossiped about or berated by a mate or even boss can tell you that words hurt. They matter. Sticks and stones may break your bones but words can hurt you.

Words have hurt me. I’d be lying if I said they didn’t. Being called “black and ugly” in middle school caused a shame and inferiority that stayed with me long into adulthood. I don’t think the boys that did that to me intended to cause me lasting psychological or emotional harm but they did.

Words matter. And we can’t take them back. Things we say out of hurt, anger and frustration, linger. They make lasting impressions and we usually lash out verbally at those who are closest to us and who mean the most – our words ringing in their heads for days, weeks, months and even years.

Truthfully, we have all said things we have regretted. We’ve also been on the receiving end of those same kinds of words. Knowing how it feels to have hurtful words hurled at us should make us even more vigilant and determined not use those kinds of words with the ones we love and care about.

In the heat of the moment, when emotions are running high, sometimes it’s best to take a time out. A boxing round lasts for three minutes, and then both fighters retreat to their respective corners. When you feel yourself reaching that emotional crescendo, take a time out. Agree to pick up the discussion later. Walk away.

When you walk away, you have time to cool down and choose your words. Choose words that objectively state your feelings about the situation but stop short of name-calling, accusing and cursing.

When all else fails, and you react with cruel or unkind words, an apology helps. It won’t take back what you said, but showing that you realized that you overstepped a boundary can make a difference. Delivered with sincerity an apology can go a long way to showing that you really do care even though you let your emotions get the best of you.

Words are powerful. Let’s do our best to use our words to uplift and encourage those around us.

Your Words, Part 1: Speaking Your Own Reality

There is a whole lot of truth to the adage that actions speak louder than words. They do. But that doesn’t mean that your words don’t carry a lot of weight. What you speak matters. Your words are based on your thoughts and your thoughts and words determine your actions.

Recently, I was challenged to change some of the words I use. I was challenged to ‘speak words of victory’ because although I try to be positive, in some areas of my life, it’s habitual to speak words of defeat.

I talk about what ‘will never happen’ for me and what seems ‘a million miles away.’ The truth of the matter is that whatever we do, there is a reason and usually a benefit for it. In my distorted way of thinking, if I spoke negatively about the things I want most, and then I won’t be disappointed when they don’t come to pass.

When I stopped and really gave it some thought, when I speak negatively, I am creating that reality for myself. I am living the disappointment in that instant, in that moment. More than anything, I am making it real. It’s no wonder that those words had become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Funny, the areas where I tended to speak more positively – training, coaching, friends, my writing – I tend to have had more success. However, the areas where I had tended to focus on defeat – finance and romance – I’ve experienced the least amount of success.

As soon as I began to speak differently about those things I noticed several changes. First, I didn’t feel as bad about them. I stopped feeling hopeless and began to feel like I was in control. I felt like I could have success. Second, I began to feel good about situation. I started to feel as if financial and romantic success were real possibilities for me.

My words changed. My thoughts changed and then, my actions changed. I've started acting in ways that aremore aligned with romantic and financial success. Are things perfect? No. But they are much better and getting better with every passing day.

The Fear Factor

I have a friend who works for one of the Big Three Automakers. We talked recently and she told me about the paralyzing fear that many of her co-workers have. Many of them have been with the company for decades and they don’t know what to do. With all that’s going on fear is a natural reaction but my friend told me that many of her co-workers have let fear consume them to the point where it has paralyzed them.

They are scared to look for something else because in many cases, this has been what they’ve known for so long that they are scared to take a chance somewhere else. At the same time, they are scared to stay where they are and they live throughout each day with the painful anxiety that comes while they wait for the axe to fall.

Another friend of mine is with a company that is downsizing. Yet, she’s scared to even look for something else. She knows her lack of a degree will prevent anyone from hiring her. So she stays put, not even exploring any other options. She hopes the 16 weeks of severance she thinks she’ll get will be enough.

None of us are immune from the power of fear. A few months ago, I made a very short-sighted financial move. The thing is; I knew it was a bad idea. But I was so scared of not doing anything and I felt I had to do something, so I made the move and continue to pay for the consequences months later.

Fear can be a debilitating, nerve-wrecking, soul-churning experience. What if’s snowball each one pessimistically worse than the one before it. It’s a quote that I’ve used before, “95% of the things we fear never come to pass.” Yet, the feeling of fear, the emotion of it, can be so strong that logical thinking is the first casualty of that snowball as it gains speed careening down that hill.

Granted, these are fearful times. Recession. Job losses and the threat of more job losses, the housing market, the stock market, there are real and legitimate things to fear. Yet we (me too) cannot let those fears get the better of us. So what can we do?

1. Get It Out. Confide in a good friend. Someone who can calm you do and point out the things that aren’t so bad. Maybe someone who can also help you sort through your options.
2. Look Up. Focus on the positive. A few months ago, I started keeping a gratitude journal. At the end of everyday, I write down things that occurred during that day that I am thankful and grateful for and appreciative of. Curiously, when I was in the midst of my own panic, I didn’t journal on those days. I wonder if I had, would changed my perspective enough to stop me from making the mistake I made.
3. Do something proactive and productive. My friend’s lack of a degree will prevent several companies from taking a serious look at her. But she’s got an impressive work history and a lot of companies can look past the degree to what she’s done and give her a chance. She won’t know that until she tries though.
4. Calm down. Pray. Talk to a friend. Do yoga. Take a walk. Cry. Do something to release some of that fearful emotion. You might not get rid of all of it but you might be able to take it down to a manageable level.

These are fearful times, indeed. But they weren't always so stressful and frustrating and they won't always be stressful and frustrating. As a friend told me, the only way to get through it is to go through it. So let's be kind to ourselves and support one another as we navigate our ways through these rough waters.

It Ain't Easy

Wouldn’t it be nice if there really was an Easy Button? The Staples commercials play into our desire to have easy at our fingertips. But in real life there is no magic button – yet we still try to find one. We desperately want easy. We want a pill to help us lose weight. We want a partner, a soul mate, who magically reads our minds and instinctively knows our deepest desires. We want to hit the lottery. We want an Easy Button!

The truth of the matter is most things worth having aren’t easy. Sure there are big lottery winners and that rare couple who fall in love at first site and finish each other sentences but the rest of us have to work for it. The work doesn’t have to be arduous or terrible but it does have to be work.

If you find a profession or a person that you are passionate about then the work should be worth the effort and your passion should help you carry it through the more difficult part. Passion and that dreaded D work: discipline.

That’s the part that makes us crave the Easy Button! When the passion ebbs, that’s when the discipline has to flow. As a dieter, I’ve had weeks where I’ve consistently lost weight but inevitably I’ve hit those plateaus where the scale doesn’t budge and in some instances has gone up … even when I’ve done everything right. At those times, my passion runs low and if I’m going to make it through, the discipline kicks it up a notch.

I stick with the grilled chicken, steamed veggies and sorbet when my frustration is crying out for a juicy cheeseburger, salty fries and a chocolate shake. When your relationship hits a rocky patch, it might seem easier to call it quits or reach for that third party (the romantic equivalent of the burger and fries!). It seems tempting to drop out of the graduate school program or up and quit the job (Okay, not in this economy but you get my point). But if the prize (or person) is worth it, then the discipline will pay off in the long run, and if you stick with it the passion will flow again.

Save the Easy Button for Staples.

Danger! Danger! Falling Shoes!!!

I’ve had a bad habit of, when things are going well, waiting for the shoe to drop. And not just drop but plummet down on top of my head with such momentum and velocity and that I’m left unconscious and wake up wondering “What the H-E-Double Toothpicks just happened?”

This habit isn’t completely irrational because shoes have fallen in the past. I had a great job, things were going really well, then the ‘corporate restructuring’ happened and I ended up out of work. I thought I’d finally met ‘The One’ then he decided his ex-girlfriend was ‘The One’. He married her but really wanted to stay friends with me.

Yes, shoes have dropped and in ways that have taken my breath away; but I can’t expect them to drop every time. I can’t wait for the inevitable shoe to drop because it’s not inevitable. Every situation is different and just because something happened in the past doesn’t mean that it will happen again.

Waiting for the shoe to drop is a form of protection. It’s a preemptive measure designed to keep you from getting hurt. If you know something bad is coming then, you’ll be prepared when it happens. But living with an underlying sense of dread and staring up at the sky in hopes of getting a glimpse of that shoe as it begins its descent is no way to live.

Having your guard perpetually up, approaching everything and everyone with a skeptical and jaded eye, and expecting the worst will keep you from getting hurt, but it will also keep you from experiencing the full measure of happiness and hope and even love you, and I, deserve.

We can and should learn from every experience. The key is to be able to take away the lessons without taking the hurt, bitterness and trepidation.

One lesson I’ve learned is to appreciate the moment, the now. Living fully in the present prevents you from worrying about future events that might never happen. It also allows you to enjoy the here and now. If the shoe does drop, it drops. But, if it doesn’t … and it might not … you have saved yourself a lot of unnecessary uneasiness and anxiety.

Now, the only shoes I’m looking for are on sale.

And then ... I cried.

As I write this, I am exhausted – mentally and emotionally exhausted. I’ve been on quite a roller coaster ride this past two weeks and it’s finally come to an end. I’m tired – physically tired.

Emotional stress can have quite an effect on your physical health. This week, I had difficulty sleeping. I experienced stomach problems. I had a hard time focusing. In general, I felt worn out and tired.

Exercise and diet helped a bit but I think it was also important to address emotional and mental health from the emotional and mental perspective.

This week for me that meant acceptance (mental) and emotional release.

I had set a very high bar for myself in terms of several things I wanted to accomplish. I tried and tried and did absolutely everything I could to get things to work out for me. Nothing worked. As the 11th hour approached, I realized that I had to make a very difficult decision. It was the best decision but it required me to give up (at least for now) something that was very important to me.

Mentally, I had to accept the reality of my situation. It was hard. It was painful. But, there really wasn’t anything else I could do. After spending weeks working on possible outcomes and running into dead ends and closed doors, I had to admit that there was nothing left for me to do. What I wanted was not going to work. I had to accept it.

And then, I cried.

I cried because I was tired. I cried because I was frustrated. I cried because I really, really, really wanted to find a way to make things work. I cried over my missed opportunity. But most of all, I cried because I needed to.

I suppose there is a time to be ‘strong’ or ‘stoic’ and keep that stiff upper lip. But for me, sometimes it’s better, even stronger, maybe even more courageous, to allow yourself to fully be present and feel the emotion. So I cried. I called a friend. I cried some more. Then I went to sleep knowing that tomorrow could be a better day.

The next morning, some of the disappointment from the previous day lingered. I was still tired; rarely can one night’s sleep make up for weeks of worry, stress and burning the candle at both ends. This day, I was tired but also a little relieved. The decision had been made. I might not have liked it but it was done and all there was to do know was to move on.

I was feeling better and that’s always a good place to begin.

In Defense of Only Children

I am an only child. Yes, my father remarried and I do have siblings in my blended family; but that didn’t happen until I was well into my 20’s and out of the house. I was raised an only child. I have no children. However, truth be told, I have never wanted more than one. There is nothing wrong with being an only child.

Maybe it’s a case of not missing what I never had but I have always been fine being an only child. Sure, I went through a phase where I wanted a little brother or sister, but I also went through phases where I wanted braces and a cast. I also, for a minute, wanted diabetes; but only because one of my classmates had it and he got to eat snacks (and I really wanted snacks).

I get so tired of people assuming that because I am an only child that I am some maladjusted, egocentric freak. There are a number of good things about being an only child.

1. I never had to live in a sibling’s shadow and endure constant criticism and comparisons.


2. I know how to be alone and enjoy my own company.


3. Since I didn’t have ready-made playmates, I had to be outgoing enough to go out and make friends.


4. I was never bullied or traumatized by older siblings.


5. My communication skills were excellent from a very young age because I communicated so frequently with adults.


6. Because I was around my parents a lot, I learned how to interact with adults and got to be more mature for my age which helped a lot when it came to school.


7. I grew up independent, learning to do for myself. It made me more responsible.


8. I never had sibling rivalry or had to compete for my parent’s love or attention or ever having feelings that they liked the other sibling more than me.


9. I had good strong relationships with both of my parents.


10. I was exposed to a lot more culturally because it was more affordable to do things with one child than it was to do them with three.

As far as the myths:

• I know people with siblings who are selfish and egocentric. Only children don’t have a corner on that market. Not even a little bit!


• Just because you have siblings doesn’t mean that you will have help when it comes time to care for your parents. I know plenty of people with siblings who shoulder that burden alone because the siblings are unavailable or unwilling to help.


• I was not lonely. I always had friends. My parents would even let me take a friend with me on vacations. To be honest, I was sick of them by the time the trip was over!

Parenting makes all the difference. Whether you are the parent of an only or of several, the parent sets the tone for the household. As the parents, you make the decision to spoil or not spoil, to indulge or not indulge, to teach responsibility or allow irresponsibility and that doesn’t change no matter how many children you have.

Takin' Care of Business: Strike Out at Stress

This is the third in a ten part series called, Takin’ Care of Business – Making Work Work for You.

With major lay-offs being announced almost daily, those among us lucky enough to have jobs, and especially those who have survived a lay-off, are often stuck in stressful situation. Taking on extra work due to lay-offs or hiring freezes inevitably leads to more demanding schedules and increased stress levels. Because jobs appear to be scarce and employees often have a difficult time finding other work, management, unfortunately takes advantage of employees that feel they have nowhere else to go.

As workloads increase and morale takes a nosedive dealing with workplace stress is no longer an optional task, it’s a critical requirement.Successfully managing your stress on the job involves tackling the issue on a number of fronts. Unfortunately, I’ve had some experience with this topic. So here are some suggestions that I used to make life a little easier, when the job becomes increasingly more difficult.

1. Make a List and Check It Twice (a day): Think of the things you honestly like or enjoy about your job. When I made my list it included my co-workers (well most of them), sandwiches at the café near the job, the fact that I had my own office, and my favorite topics to train on. While there were a number of things that stressed me out, focusing on the people and things that I did enjoyed helped a bit.
   
2. Walk It Out: Using my break times to take short walks helped immensely. The act of walking as well as getting outside and out of the office helped to immediately alleviate some stress.
   
3. Talk About It: Find a sympathetic ear … who will let you vent. It could be a friend or a spouse but it helps if it is not a co-worker. When you confine in a co-worker, you run the risks of your venting becoming office gossip which could quickly make a bad situation worse.
   
4. Drive Your Troubles Away: When leaving work, I made sure that I did not pull out of the parking lot until I had put on one of my favorite CDs. As I sang along (and okay, yes, did a little dancing), it helped me put work in perspective and keep it where it belonged … in my rearview mirror.
   
5. Be a Lady (or Lad) Who Lunches: Like with the walks, having a lunch I enjoyed eating gave me a nice break. It’s even better if it can be enjoyed with friendly co-workers or at a place or in an environment you like. It is a great way to break up the day.
   
6. Look Elsewhere: Yes, the economy is bad. Yes, jobs are hard to find … but that doesn’t mean they are impossible to find. Update your resume and start looking. Looking for other work helped me to feel that I had some control of my circumstances.

Not only did I look for other employment, I found it - leaving a very toxic situation for one that is much healthier. So while good jobs are hard to find right now, it's still possible to find one.

The Dirty Truth

There is a saying I’ve heard very often over the years, “If people knew better, they would do better.” The logic being when people do things that are selfish or vindictive or harmful, it’s because they really don’t know any better. Something about that didn’t work for me – then I made one small change – “If people wanted better, they would do better.”

You have to want better and the dirty truth is that some people don’t. They are satisfied where they are. It might not seem like a place where you want to be but it’s where they want to be. Even if they don’t seem happy, they don’t have any desire to put in the work to better. In other words, they don’t want it.

After I got out of college, I had a friend, who was dating a guy who I thought was all wrong for her. They had vicious and sometimes violent arguments. On more than a couple occasions, I received the late night crying call or had to go pick her up after he’d put her out. I pleaded with her to leave. It was toxic.

Then one day we went out to dinner and she said something that changed everything for me. I had started dating someone and I mentioned how nice it was to date someone and be on the same page without a lot of drama or arguing or suspicion. It was nice. She told me that what I had sounded boring to her.

I realized then that what I wanted for her was not what she wanted for herself. No amount of pleading or prayer was going to get her to change. She ended up having a child with this man and I think they are still together to this day.

We all have friends and family in desperate situations. They are hooked on drugs or alcohol, they linger in toxic relationships, or engage in chronic and detrimental spending, or it could be a host of other dramatic circumstances. We have to take an honest assessment and ask the hard question, “Do they want something better?”

The hard answer might be “No.”

If the answer is no, then we have to stop fighting their battles and allow them to live their lives in the way that they see fit – even if we know they are capable of better, even if we can see another way for them, even if we want it for them more than we want it for ourselves.

You can’t throw a life preserver to someone intent on drowning.