Down with O.O.P.

As a trainer, and now as a life coach, I’ve had the opportunity to work with a wide array of people. From entry-level employees to front-line managers to executives and CEOs, I’ve trained and worked with them all. No matter what their job title or income, I’ve noticed when it comes to making real and lasting changes in their lives, all of them face the same hurdles.

Whether it’s a New Year’s resolution to lose weight (New Year's is just around the corner) or a vow to finally quit smoking, we all face the same challenges. However, there are some very simple things we can do to overcome these formidable obstacles.

Overwhelmed
Often the changes we want to make are pretty major. Giving up a pack a day habit or losing 75 pounds is no cake walk. Yet, at the same time, we make it larger than it really is by focusing on the big picture – the really, really BIG picture.

“A pack a day is 20 cigarettes. Everyone knows that a nicotine addition is one of the hardest to overcome”
“75 pounds is a small child! That’s a whole lot of weight.”

We get exhausted just thinking about it! As a result, we never quit before we ever begin, rationalizing that it’s just too much.

There is an old joke that asks, “How do you eat an elephant?” People who have never heard the joke think of all sorts of elaborate answers but the truth is that you eat an elephant one bite at a time. That’s the same way that you lose weight, or start exercising or stop smoking. You do it one pound, one workout or one cigarette at a time.

Overhauled
Let’s say you want to start an exercise program. The reason you haven’t started is that it’s just so expensive. After all, you need the gym membership, the new fancy tennis shoes and of course some new outfits to go with them. It would be great if you could also get a hold of one of those ab-crunching whatchamajigs you saw late last night as you watched Saturday Night Live (while munching on some potato chips). If all those things fell into place, then you could work out.

Likewise, you might put off starting that diet until you have removed every bad food from your pantry and replaced it with its healthy alternative, joined a weight loss program and invested in a fancy new scale.

The truth of the matter is that you’ll never have everything in place and if that’s what you are waiting for, you’ll always be waiting.

The thing to do is to start where you are with what you have. Wear some comfortable clothes and shoes and start taking a walk around the block. Invest $15 or less in an exercise DVD (Walk Away the Pounds is a great one to start with), and walk, tonight.

Perfectionism
Let’s say you get over the overwhelm and the need to overhaul and you actually begin to work towards your goal. And then, it happens. You have a bad day. You reach for that Krispy Kreme or that cigarette or forget about going on that walk. The next day, you are frustrated and disappointed. You messed up. Now, you ask yourself, “Why even bother?”

As you plan to achieve your goal, you should also plan for setbacks as they will occur. It’s not a matter of if but when. This is not pessimistic but realistic. The thing to remember is to be gentle with yourself but firm. Yes, you made a mistake but it’s not the end unless you decide it is. Forgive yourself and get back on plan as soon as possible.

Over the years, I’ve learned that regardless of the kinds of change you want to make, the secret is to approach it slowly and instead of making big, sweeping changes, make small incremental ones.

Want to go back to school? Then take it one step at a time. Research your schools, fill out your applications, and make an appointment with a financial aid counselor. Each of these mini-goals makes the task of getting an education a lot less daunting.

Looking to lose weight? A week at a time, make one substitution. Replace that sugar 20 ounce soda with a diet one or water. If you do just that and nothing else, you can lose over ten pounds in a year. The next week, replace the chips with low-fat popcorn. Trade in the fried chicken for broiled, you get the picture.

Finally, if you want to make lasting changes, commit to the long haul. All real change takes time, so give yourself the time you need to succeed.a

A Hole in the Wall

A lot of us pride ourselves on being good advice-givers. A friend’s marital woes, a co-worker’s difficulties with the boss, your brother’s issues with his neighbors, the answers are obvious! Yet, when it comes to taking our own good advice, something happens. There is a disconnect. We know what we should do but …

It’s hard to take our own advice – but why is it so difficult to do what we know we should do? In getting Get It Together Girl ready, I had a heck of a time. Monday, the day I was planning to release the program, everything that could have gone wrong did. The PayPal buttons stopped working. All the sudden, I couldn’t pull up the Media Kit on-line. E-Book didn’t want to work. And, before noon about 10 other ugly issues reared their nasty little heads. Keep in mind, all of this was happening after I had gotten less than 8 hours of sleep over the entire weekend.

I called a friend in tears. As our call ended, another friend called and I cried on her shoulder too. Both of them gave me the same advice. Step away for a minute. Take a break. If I had been on the other end of the line, I would have given myself the exact same advice. Do you think I took it?

No. I kept going, calling help desks and trying to figure it out on my own, frustration continuing to mount. In fact, after one fruitless help desk call, I actually kicked the wall and made a hole in it!

Why didn’t I take what was clearly good and timely advice?

For one, emotion. My emotions were running high and, at that time, my emotions were actually more in control of me than my rational mind was. I was frustrated. I was upset. I was a little angry. I was on an emotional white water raft, careening over the fast and bubbling emotional rapids. I heard their words but I didn’t hear them.

Another reason it was hard to heed their advice was that I was the one with the investment. Sure they can tell me to take a break. What’s a break to them? I was the one who had written the eBook. I was the one who had developed the website and the media kit and the flier and the media list. This was me. It was an investment of my time, money and effort. And now, as all of this is about to come to fruition, you want me to take a break. I can’t break. I’m too close. Not now!

The hole in my wall stopped me. It stopped me cold. It made me realize how intense I’d become. I needed to break. And I did.

I went out and got something to eat. Being out of the house and away from my desk made a difference. It was only a half hour but my perspective changed. It was while I was away that I came up with a reason why all the website problems might have been happening. And, it worked. When I got back and implemented that one change, about 8 of those 10 problems were resolved. And getting that book out on time became a reality.

I worked the rest of the afternoon and resolved those last few problems and by early evening, I was sending out emails announcing the Get It Together Girl program.

Now, I also have, in that hole in my wall, a very real reminder of the importance of taking my own advice.

And then ... I cried.

As I write this, I am exhausted – mentally and emotionally exhausted. I’ve been on quite a roller coaster ride this past two weeks and it’s finally come to an end. I’m tired – physically tired.

Emotional stress can have quite an effect on your physical health. This week, I had difficulty sleeping. I experienced stomach problems. I had a hard time focusing. In general, I felt worn out and tired.

Exercise and diet helped a bit but I think it was also important to address emotional and mental health from the emotional and mental perspective.

This week for me that meant acceptance (mental) and emotional release.

I had set a very high bar for myself in terms of several things I wanted to accomplish. I tried and tried and did absolutely everything I could to get things to work out for me. Nothing worked. As the 11th hour approached, I realized that I had to make a very difficult decision. It was the best decision but it required me to give up (at least for now) something that was very important to me.

Mentally, I had to accept the reality of my situation. It was hard. It was painful. But, there really wasn’t anything else I could do. After spending weeks working on possible outcomes and running into dead ends and closed doors, I had to admit that there was nothing left for me to do. What I wanted was not going to work. I had to accept it.

And then, I cried.

I cried because I was tired. I cried because I was frustrated. I cried because I really, really, really wanted to find a way to make things work. I cried over my missed opportunity. But most of all, I cried because I needed to.

I suppose there is a time to be ‘strong’ or ‘stoic’ and keep that stiff upper lip. But for me, sometimes it’s better, even stronger, maybe even more courageous, to allow yourself to fully be present and feel the emotion. So I cried. I called a friend. I cried some more. Then I went to sleep knowing that tomorrow could be a better day.

The next morning, some of the disappointment from the previous day lingered. I was still tired; rarely can one night’s sleep make up for weeks of worry, stress and burning the candle at both ends. This day, I was tired but also a little relieved. The decision had been made. I might not have liked it but it was done and all there was to do know was to move on.

I was feeling better and that’s always a good place to begin.

I'm Just A Girl Who Can't Say No!

As I burned the midnight oil, for yet another night, I had an epiphany. I realized that I was overloaded. My plate is piled high. My cup is running over. There is no more room at the inn!

Ironically, I did a mini-workshop back in September about The Power of No. I talked about harnessing the power of no to take back control over your life. I talked about saying no to new responsiblities. I discussed delegating and spreading out tasks. I even said that some times you have to say no to things you like and enjoy so you can spend your time on the most important and most relevant tasks.

I had a very receptive audience. They really listened to what I had to say. Two months later, I wish I had. I am simply spread too thin. And the hard part is that everything I'm doing is something I love or truly enjoy: coaching, promoting my Feelin' Fine in 2009 teleseminars, my movie review site DivaSoulSista.com, my editing responsibilities for the P3 Power Boost magazine, prepping and researching for my next teleseminar and e-book, contributing articles to several magazines, this blog, and I know there are a few things I'm forgetting. As much as I am dreading it, I know I need to say no. Something has to give and if I don't so something what will give is me.

So over the next week or two I have some hard decisions to make. As much as I hate to see something I love go (or at least get placed on the backburner), I'm also excited. I am looking forward to having a little less on my plate.

Cheryl Richardson calls this process giving up good for great. While a lot of what I'm doing is good stuff, by putting it aside, I'm making room from something truly great and who wouldn't be excited about that!

Let It Go and Leave It

I was talking to a friend of mine. He was frustrated because he wasted his weekend sleeping. He slept all day Saturday and all day Sunday. But as I continued to talk to him, it became clear: he didn't sleep the weekend away because he was lazy; he slept the weekend away because he was dog tired!

He was recently promoted and is routinely staying at work until ten or eleven at night trying to get every little thing done and he is exhausted. I tried to give him a couple of tips that could help regain control of his life and restore some much needed balance.

Since he has an hour's drive home, I suggested that he use that time to decompress. Play a favorite CD, listen to a book on tape or just drive in silence. As the physical distance between my friend and the job increases, so should his stress level decrease.

He told me that the main reason he stays so late is so that he can completely finish everything on his plate. I correctly sensed that he's afraid of having things fall into the cracks if he leaves them until later. What I suggested, is that he do a brain dump at the end of the day, and write out everything that needs to be done the next day before he leaves work.

My last suggestion was to do something relaxing each evening. It could be a hot bath and shower, watching a favorite TV show, surfing the net, reading a book or just talking to a spouse or a friend. When leaving work, it helps if you have something to look forward to.

What other tips can you think of to help my friend reduce his work stress? I'll pass them on!

Take My Advice and Just Quit

Yes, you read that right. I said, “Quit.”

“But,” you say, “You’re the life coach?”

Yes, I am and I’m telling you again to quit. Stop the merry-go-round. Call it a day. Get off the horse. Throw in the towel. Realize that the dog just won’t hunt. However you want to do it, I want you to just give up.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about staying the course and follow-through but there are some instances where that is not the right course of action. In fact, I can think of two good reasons (not excuses) to quit.

The first is when the goal you are trying to reach isn’t your goal. If you are saving for a house because everybody told you that you had to purchase a house and not because you genuinely want a house; then it isn’t your goal. If you don’t want it for yourself, you won’t make it a priority, and it won’t get done. Others goals for you don’t’ have to be your goals.

The second instance is when it is your goal and you want it, but you just can’t get it together. You’ve had several ‘false starts.’ You intended to save $500 over the next three months. But the car broke down and that was unexpected; then you forgot that your car tax was due; finally, it was the holiday season, and you spent way too much on gifts. Now, you’re beating yourself up pretty bad.

So take a break.

We writers do it all the time. After we write, we step away from the project for at least a day or two (many times longer). Staring at the same page over and over and over again, makes you lose perspective. In writing and proofing, it means you will miss typos, grammatical errors and spelling mistakes. By stepping away, you can come back and read your material with rested and fresh eyes.

Give yourself some downtime. Don’t even think about the goal. Eat what you want. Smoke the cigarettes you want, do a little shopping. After your break, you can return to your goal with fresh eyes. Once you’ve rested, you can ask yourself some tough questions: What parts of your plan worked? What can you do to avoid those false starts the next? Then and only then are you ready to get-going again on your goal.

Be warned. A break implies that you will return. If you tell your boss you’re taking a break, you can’t just up and leave. You are expected to return. It’s the same with the break. Take it but come back to the goal. If you don’t your break has turned into an excuse… and you know how I feel about excuses!

Sliding Down the Slippery Slope

You know you love the rush! Careening downward on that rollercoaster or flying down the mountainside while skiing. It's truly an incredible and exhilariting feeling. But when you are careening down the path of disasterous thoughts and improbable what-ifs it doesn't feel quite so good. In fact, it's pretty nauseating.

You get called into the boss's office. There were some problems with the report you submitted. Thirty minutes later, after a number suggestions, revisions and criticisms, you leave with your tail between your legs.

"I'm skating on thin ice," you think as you gather your stuff and head home for the day.

"What if I get fired?"

As you pull out of the parking lot and start the drive home, you also start the mental free fall down. By the time you get home, you've lost your job, your house, your spouse and have developed a serious alcohol problem. All because you had a discussion with your boss. Visions of food stamps and homeless shelters dance in your head as you pull into the driveway.

But wait a minute! Is it really that bad? Of course not. It wasn't a great meeting; but you didn't get fired. In fact, you got some valuable information and feedback and you know what to do better next time.

When you find yourself perched at the top of that slope, stop yourself before you start by asking yourself how likely all of that terrible stuff is it to happen. How likely is it that you will be fired? If you are fired, what is the likelihood that you will not be able to find any work at all? What are the chances that you would become homeless or that your spouse would leave you? As you start challenging the assumptions, you will find that the likelihood of all that other stuff occurring decreases.

Another techique involves just asking yourself better questions. Instead of "Why Me?" ask, "What can I do differently next time?" Instead of asking "What if I lose my job?" ask "What can I learn from this?" Focus on the positive and proactive things you can do to change the situation for the better.

Save the slopes for skiing.