When Opportunity Knocks

If opportunity would knock today, would you a) Answer it b) Ignore it c) Ask it to come back another day. It’s an interesting question and one you should have an answer to, if for no other reason than you never know when that knock will come.

To me, the only answer to that question is A. You answer it. However, answering isn’t always easy. You have to be prepared for that knock. You have to know what you’ll do when you are standing face-to-face with the Big O (no, not Oprah! Opportunity!)

A lot of us simply ignore opportunity, we are just too busy  for it. We get mired down in the day-to-day that we can’t see the forest for the trees and we can’t even see the trees because we are focusing on raking up the leaves!

Then again, some of us don’t answer the door out of fear. Opportunity almost always involves the unknown. It means taking a chance or making a risky move. Since we can’t be 100% certain of the outcome we choose to stay where we are.

Some of us will answer but ask Opportunity to come back at a better time. We’d like it to come back when the kids are a little older, when we’ve had more time to prepare, have more money in the bank, or at some indefinable future date when we are certain that we’ll be ‘ready.’

The problem with ignoring or rescheduling Opportunity is that there is no guarantee it will come back. It will go door-to-door until it finds the person who is ready, willing and able to go for it.

Countless times, I run into people who had a great idea only someone else ‘beat them to it.’ They weren’t ready to move on their idea when Opportunity knocked on their door but unfortunately for them, someone else was.

So while you are waiting for that infamous knock. Make the time right now to get ready. Practice. Prepare. Study. Do what you have to do so when that knock comes or that doorbell rings, you’ll greet Opportunity with a big smile and a firm handshake.

Victim or Victor?

The words victim and victor have the same root. The prefix vict means to conquer. Of course, the victor is the one who does the conquering and the victim is the one who is conquered. Two words that are similar in origin but vastly different in meaning.


We often hear about people with a victim mentality. This state of mind is characterized by a sense of helplessness. They feel powerless to change their situations. They engage frequently in the blame game. Since they are powerless and have no control they couldn’t possibly be responsible for anything that happens to them. No, it must be someone else’s fault.


They actively search for reasons why they are in the state they are in. It’s because of their race, gender, their economic status, or sexual orientation. It could be because of their faith, their appearance, or any number of other things; but they can justify their lives and, to be honest, their lack of progress.


You see, victimhood does exactly what the victim thinks it does. It holds the victim back. It prevents them from making progress. However, in many cases, it’s the belief in the victimization itself and not the perceived victimizers that keep people in their place.


By its very nature, victimhood is the antithesis of victory. The victim is the conquered so it shouldn’t be surprising that they don’t share many traits with the victors. In the mind of the victor, blame is replaced by ownership and responsibility. Instead of spending their energy looking for who to blame or finding reasons why they haven’t moved forward, the victor takes responsibility for her situation and spends her energy looking for how to change a situation. They don’t look for excuses; they look for ways to take action.


What makes victimhood even sadder is when you look at how the victim perceives life, as a losing game, a source of oppression, as if everyone is out to get him, you see that this person can’t possibly have a happy and contented life. Sure, no one is happy and contented all of the time, but how is happiness even possible with this thoroughly negative outlook?


Tragically, whether victim or victor, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. It’s the Law of Attraction in action. The one who thinks constantly about defeat and injustice, and blame attracts more defeat, injustice and blame. A setback for a victim who does attempt to move forward is seen as a final defeat. They give up.


Whereas the one who focus is more positive and proactive attracts more positivity and action. Even when they fail, they don’t look for blame, they look for the lesson to learn and they get back up and go at it again. No wonder they end up winning a whole lot more than they lose.

Winning the Blame Game

I was watching TV and a commercial came on regarding an acne product. It said something to the effect of, “Don’t blame chocolate or fried foods, blame your hormones.” Another commercial, this one for a weight loss product, it said blatantly, “Your weight isn’t your fault”A search of news stories show we are looking to blame somebody for the economy, the recession and the oil spill. Of course, every day there are sports stories blaming some player for their team’s loss.

Outside of making us feel better, what purpose does it serve to stand around and point fingers? “It’s not my fault,” we exclaim. “He did it,” we say as we point an accusatory finger at a co-worker, family member, spouse or friend.

Accountability is part of responsibility and sometimes (the only time I can think of) blaming someone is a way to get them to be accountable for their behavior when they are trying to avoid owning their mistakes.

However, blame gives people an easy out. If it’s not your fault then it’s not in your control. If it’s not in your control then there is nothing you can do about it. If there is nothing you can do about it, then you don’t have any obligation or any need to try to change. If you can blame someone else, somehow, it lets you off of the hook.

It’s comforting to hear that it’s not your fault, but it’s also dangerous. People who have become adept at playing the blame game are people who usually aren’t getting the results they want. Who wants to be with someone who is constantly looking for a reason not to take action or an excuse not to act or for someone to blame. These people aren’t often the ones in line for promotion either.

In my mind, blame is linked with victimhood. A victim is powerless. They have given the power and control to another person or entity. Personal transformation and growth cannot happen if you are looking at the world through gray-tinted victimization glasses.

Instead of wasting precious time pointing fingers and placing blame, spend that time creating solutions and solving problems.

There is no winner when you play the blame game.

Either You Do or You Don't ... Just Don't Make Excuses!

About a year ago, I self-published a book called Get It Together Girl. It’s all about getting organized and getting rid of clutter in just 15 minutes a day. Since then, I’ve become a bit of an expert on quick tips for getting organized. I’ve done speeches on the topic and even being quoted in several magazines.

It never fails, however, after a presentation, there are two types of people who approach me. The first are the ones who are really interested in the subject. We talk about which of my tips will work for them and they even share some of their tips with me. These women are motivated and on occasion, I’ve even received emails from some of them on the success that they have had getting it together.

The other type is curious to me. They come up to me and tell me why none of my tips would ever work for them. They don’t have 5 or 10 minutes to spare in their busy days, not to mention 15 whole minutes. They have small children. They have husbands. If they were single and childless like me (which usually comes across as a backhanded compliment), then they would have all the time in the world too.

These women want me to confirm and validate their decision to do nothing. They want me to let them off the hook. I don’t. I let them see that the decision not to act is still a decision and it’s their decision. Accept it. Live with it; just don’t expect me to condone it.

I normally respond with, “You know that’s funny because before I published the book, I tested it with some very busy women. Executives with toddlers and young children, busy professional women with teenagers to shuttle back and forth and stay-at-home moms with young children and babies and they all found the book very helpful and doable. But, then again, getting organized and saving time isn’t a priority for everyone.”

My point is this. You make the decision to act or not act. It’s easy to find every reason in the world not to do something. A lot of people spend a lot of time justifying their behavior and the truth of the matter is that they just don’t want to change. If it’s important to you, you will make the time. You will find a reason why and not an excuse why not.

If you are looking for excuses, you will find them, but recognize that excuses do not lead to change. It’s easy to find reasons why you can’t exercise or save money. You can always justify your smoking habit or continued decision to make unhealthy food choices. You can find reasons to stay in your unhappy relationship or with a job that no longer meets your needs.

And, if this is you, my advice is to just accept it. Accept your weight. Accept your financial state. Accept your bad relationship or your unfulfilling career.

If you want change, you have to change. Stop excusing and start strategizing.

It's In Your Hands

My friend Timogi is an incredible woman. She is a poet, clothing designer, business woman and motivational speaker. She hosts what she calls Sistah Parties. At a Sistah Party, Timogi has a table filled with random kitschy knick knacks and two stacks of cards, one with quotes and one with questions. The women at the party each come up to the table and pick an item or a card and Timogi explains the significance and allow the women to discuss it. I love Sistah Parties and I’ve been to several. I never get bored because each party is different.

I attended a Sistah Party a few weeks ago and a woman got up and picked up what looked like a DNA molecule. She handed it to Timogi. Timogi looked at it and said, “Our DNA determines a lot of what makes us who we are. It determines our gender, our height and any number of things. But what we do with what our DNA has given us is up to us.” Then she went over to the woman who selected the molecule and handed it back to her. While she is holding it, Timogi said, “It’s in your hands.”

WOW…

So many times, we let our gender, our race, or our socioeconomic background define us. When we do that, we fail to realize that our destinies, the paths we choose and the choices we make, are really in our hands. It truly is up to us.

In 2010, the only thing that can stop us is us. I am an African-American woman, I recognize that those two factors play a role in who I am and how I experience this world. Yet, those things for me are filters. They are lens that help shape my perceptions. They are not obstacles. They are not barriers. They will not stop me.

I don’t know you personally but I know that you have your struggles, your demons, and your complicated pasts. However you got to where you are, the rest is now up to you. It’s in your hands.

The Reason We Do What We Do

If you: procrastinate, are chronically late, overeat, overspend, engage in road rage or do any other ‘negative’ behavior, realize that you do it because on some level, it’s working for you.

Overeating can be a great stress reliever. Procrastination can give you that big adrenaline boost that helps you finish your projects on time. You have so much fun when you shop. And, that slow driver, well, he shouldn’t have been in your way. The point is that you are getting something ‘good’ out of your ‘bad’ behavior.

But, on balance, you are probably getting more bad than you’d like. Procrastination is causing you to stress and worry and could be causing problems at work or at home. Eating too much is wrecking havoc on your waistline and affecting your self-esteem.

So the trick is to find behaviors that give you the same or similar benefits without all that other stuff. It’s funny but I realized that when I stopped overspending, I started overeating! So while my bank account got bigger, so did my pants size. Clearly, I needed to find another habit!

I had to find something that I enjoyed that didn’t pack on the pounds or burn holes in my wallet. For me, one thing wasn’t the answer but several things did the trick. When I am tempted to overeat, I take a bath or go for a walk or play with the dog or call a friend or write. Having enjoyable options makes all the difference.

The key is it has to be enjoyable or easy for you. Life is too short to be miserable and you have got enough going on to add any more complication. For me, playing with the dog is fun; taking a nice warm bath is enjoyable. Getting to the gym everyday, for me, is very hard. Popping in a DVD or walking on my treadmill – easy.

What are you getting out of your bad habits? What can you do instead that would be equally enjoyable or easy?

Lose The Excuses: "I Don't Have the Money"

Money woes, money woes.
We watch money come,
Then we watch it go!

Outside of time, the biggest set of excuses that most people have concern money. Money can’t buy happiness or love (as the Beatles once sang); but let’s be honest, it can make some things a lot easier and managing it correctly can alleviate a lot of stress.

Having more money would make goals like buying a home, starting a business or returning to school possible. More money means more opportunities. Having more also can mean breathing a little easier. Your heart won’t race when the phone rings. You won’t wake up in the middle of the night wondering how you are going to pay on your credit cards and your car by the end of the week.

Money woes, especially in today's economy, are real and are definitely challenging but they are not insurmountable. To quote Dr. Phil, you have to start by ‘getting real.’ I know, believe me I know, how easy it is to live in denial. If you don’t know the depth of your debt somehow it seems easier to manage. But nothing could be further from the truth.

If money is what’s stopping you from reaching your goals, you have to get real and you have to get creative. For goals like home ownership or college, money is a reality. Find out where you are financially right now by boldly confronting your bills and finding what you owe. Then you can make a plan, if you can’t do it on your own, enlist the help of a financial planner whose job is helping you reach your financial goals.

You will have to start small but those small changes will yield big results IF you stick with it. Getting creative is just that. Think of non-traditional ways you can begin to reach your goals.

Can you take classes at the community college? Are there any one-day seminars that fit your budget? Can you go over to the college and find out what books they are using in the classes you are interested in and buy a used copy? Is there someone who is working in your field who you can work with as a mentor?

For a home, investigate grants and loans and first-time buyer programs, talk to several realtors and mortgage loan officers to find out about buying a home with as little as possible down.

As a business start-up, find ways that you can start small. Can you find college kids or recent grads to help you? What business grants are out there? Have you made an appointment to talk to someone at SCORE? They are a group of retired executives you can go to for free to discuss your business.

For other goals like getting in shape, losing weight, learning how to cook, taking up a hobby, money, or the lack thereof, is an excuse. Start where you are. Use the Internet, use the library, use your friends as resources to help get you started.

What creative ways have you found to get around the obstacle of not having enough cash?

Lose the Excuses: "I Might Fail"

That’s entirely possible – but, so what? In fact, it’s inevitable. At some point you’ll binge or have that piece of cake. You will splurge and go over your budget. You will roll over one morning and sleep in instead of working out. You’ll smoke that cigarette. Does any of that means you have failed?

When I was 26, I moved to Phoenix. I had visions of palm trees, warm weather and a snow-free existence. I also thought of myself as a modern-day version of the mythical Phoenix, rising up from the ashes as an incredible new creature! It sounded so nice! So I moved there, sight unseen, with no friends and no job. I managed to find a job and a get a place but I hated both of them. In fact, the Phoenix of reality, was nothing like the Phoenix of my dream. I moved back home nine months later.

I had been home for a month when I went over to my aunt’s house for dinner. My uncle pulled me aside and told me how disappointed everyone was with me. I had so much potential but I was failing. After all, I only managed to stay in Phoenix nine months, not even a year!

I responded by asking how long I would have had to stay to make him happy? A year? Maybe two? I told him the way I saw it, I hadn’t ‘failed’ at all. I moved to a city I’d never been to before almost all the way across the country. How many people would have taken a chance like that? If anything, Phoenix was a success because I took a huge chance and I made it work. I found a place. I found a job. I made friends. Maybe Phoenix wasn’t for me, but it taught me a few lessons (at least visit a city before you move there!) and it gave me the confidence to know that I can take care of myself no matter where I am.

Change the way you look at what you call ‘failure.’ If it teaches you something about yourself, if you learn something from it, if it reveals to you something that takes you in another direction; then it cannot be a failure.

So what are you waiting for? Lose the excuses! Go ahead and get started knowing there is no failure where there is growth or truth.

Take My Advice and Just Quit

Yes, you read that right. I said, “Quit.”

“But,” you say, “You’re the life coach?”

Yes, I am and I’m telling you again to quit. Stop the merry-go-round. Call it a day. Get off the horse. Throw in the towel. Realize that the dog just won’t hunt. However you want to do it, I want you to just give up.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about staying the course and follow-through but there are some instances where that is not the right course of action. In fact, I can think of two good reasons (not excuses) to quit.

The first is when the goal you are trying to reach isn’t your goal. If you are saving for a house because everybody told you that you had to purchase a house and not because you genuinely want a house; then it isn’t your goal. If you don’t want it for yourself, you won’t make it a priority, and it won’t get done. Others goals for you don’t’ have to be your goals.

The second instance is when it is your goal and you want it, but you just can’t get it together. You’ve had several ‘false starts.’ You intended to save $500 over the next three months. But the car broke down and that was unexpected; then you forgot that your car tax was due; finally, it was the holiday season, and you spent way too much on gifts. Now, you’re beating yourself up pretty bad.

So take a break.

We writers do it all the time. After we write, we step away from the project for at least a day or two (many times longer). Staring at the same page over and over and over again, makes you lose perspective. In writing and proofing, it means you will miss typos, grammatical errors and spelling mistakes. By stepping away, you can come back and read your material with rested and fresh eyes.

Give yourself some downtime. Don’t even think about the goal. Eat what you want. Smoke the cigarettes you want, do a little shopping. After your break, you can return to your goal with fresh eyes. Once you’ve rested, you can ask yourself some tough questions: What parts of your plan worked? What can you do to avoid those false starts the next? Then and only then are you ready to get-going again on your goal.

Be warned. A break implies that you will return. If you tell your boss you’re taking a break, you can’t just up and leave. You are expected to return. It’s the same with the break. Take it but come back to the goal. If you don’t your break has turned into an excuse… and you know how I feel about excuses!

Promise Keeping

Chances are, if you have a deadline to meet at work, you'll do whatever you have to do to meet it. Stay late, come in early, and put lesser projects on the back burner because there are consequences to be paid if you don't come through. If you promised your child you'd be at the big game or opening night of the play, you would find a way to make it happen. But what about the promises you make to yourself? Do you take those as seriously?

Probably not. Maybe because there is not another person involved. There is no one else relying on us. We are willing to endure extra pressure, stress and inconvenience when we have to answer to someone else.

When other people are involved, there are consequences. If you didn't complete that work assignment, you could be reprimanded, written up or even fired. And, no parent wants to be the cause of that look of disappointment in their child's eyes. But what are the consequences when you don't come through for yourself? Often there are none.

With no consequences, it's easy to not follow-through. For a long time, I promised that I would get up early and work out. But I didn't. It was easier to sleep in. The payoff of exercise was not immediate but the extra half hour of sleep sure was!

A lot of time, the things we promise ourselves aren't the fun things. I mean, look at the first three letters of diet. And doesn't exercise sound a lot like exorcism? Handling finances? Stopping smoking? None of these things has an immediate payoff.

So what can we do? We have to create a payoff. For me, it was a simple as writing down 'Exercise' in my planner. I'm crazy about my planner! If I write it down, I have to do it. I hate getting to the end of the day and not having everything on my list crossed off. And crossing exercise off my list felt good.

Another option that works for me when it comes to things I need to do but aren't crazy about is my kitchen timer. I set it for 15 minutes or 30 at the most. I'm not crazy about cleaning but I like the results. So when I really need to clean, I set my timer for 30 minutes. I can do just about anything for a half hour. At the end of a half hour, I give myself the option to stop or I can set the timer for the original time or less and keep going. Breaking it down into manageable chunks of time really helps when it comes to completing unpleasant tasks.

Whether it's exercise, saving money, smoking, losing weight or even finding a job, the results are usually immediate. So you have to find some way to create a payoff in the short term. Using a list, giving yourself a small reward, working with a friend who can act as an accountability partner are all ways of getting you over that first big hurdle.

Once you clear that first one, you will begin to see results - you'll start losing weight or inches, you'll start feeling better without the cigarette or you may see your savings begin to grow. When you see the results, the payoff, it's easier to stay motivated and stay the course.

But it all starts with finding a way to make those promises to yourself mean as much to you as the promises you make to everyone else.