I Wish You Well

Over the years, I have been lied to by people I expected to always tell me the truth. I’ve been kind and generous to people who did not deserve either kindness or generosity. I’ve even turned the other cheek on occasions where a good slap could have felt a heck of a lot better. I used to get upset. I used to wonder ”Why me?” Sometimes I still do have those responses, but inevitably, now much sooner than later, I end up feeling the same way. I say to those who have wronged me, either in person or mentally, “I wish you well.”

I don’t wish them well with sarcasm or bitterness. I sincerely wish them well. First of all, holding on to anger hurts me more than it hurts them. I read a quote once that said refusing to forgive is like taking poison and hoping the other person will get sick.

Everything that happens happens for a reason and I truly believe that our mistakes, missteps and the evil people do, teach us lessons ... some a heck of a lot harder to learn  than others. I try to find the lesson. What can I do differently next time? What should I watch out for? What are the warning signs? What shouldn’t I tolerate? What can I start doing right now to make this situation better? Once I have the lesson, I’m prepared to move on. And, I move on with the knowledge that will prevent whatever happened before from happening again.

I am a better person than I was before and I wish them well.

Now wishing someone well and being the vehicle by which they do well are two wildly different things. I wish you well. I wish you get the help you need. I wish you see what the consequences of your actions. I wish you stop hurting yourself and those around you. I wish you get some peace and some happiness.

HOWEVER, I shouldn’t and won’t be responsible for getting someone help, or showing them the consequences of their actions or getting their pain to stop or taking on their happiness and peace of mind as my personal mission.

When I wish someone well, I release them of the power that hate, resentment, bitterness and even fear gives them over me. I send them out of my live without negativity. And, most often, I am sending them out. I don’t have room in my world for people who don’t have my best interest in mind. In the case of toxic family, I might not be able to send them out but I can keep them at a distance. Self-care is about more than bubble baths and manicure; it’s about doing what is best for you physically, emotionally and mentally.

The Power of the I AM

I was watching an interview Oprah did with Joel Osteen. He said, "What ever follows I AM will come looking for you." In other words, when we say, "I am tired," we can expect to be tired. If we say "I am never going to find a better job" or "I am never going to have a satisfying relationship," what do you think you'll be bringing into your life.

In the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, the First Agreement is to be Impeccable with your word. Mean everything you say and only say things that you mean.

Here is a video that gives you dozens of positive, affirmative I AM statements.

The Battle: Need vs. Want

As I’ve mentioned in this blog many times before, most of my adult life, I have grappled with a serious spending problem. Part of that problem arose from the fact that I had a hard time distinguishing between what I needed and what I wanted.


I was very good at blurring the line between the two. If I really wanted something, I could convince myself that I didn’t just want it but I truly needed it. Of course, I needed that specific pair of black shoes because the almost identical pair I had were practically worn out (actually they had a scuff mark). The books and CDs I bought were necessary because they were on sale and I wouldn’t get that deal later. I needed to make that purchase now while it was practical.


I could do the same thing about weight loss. If my body was craving something then on some level my body must need it. Besides, I had worked out that day, right?


When I lost my job, the definition between needs and wants went from being some blurry, nebulous concept to something that was in stark and clear focus. I didn’t need that extra pair of shoes because it was extra and extra wasn’t a need, it was a want.


I stopped thinking in terms of what I ‘deserved’ and began thinking about what I could afford. Sure, it was frustrating because the things I couldn’t afford were things I felt I truly did deserve but I really couldn’t afford them and what I could afford became the priority.


As I began to apply this concept to my money and my purchases, I also started applying it to other areas of my life.

• I didn’t need a slice of red velvet cake, I wanted it and I could do without it.
• I didn’t need a new computer, I needed to take better care and do some maintenance on the one I had.
• I didn’t need to visit my friends in another city, I wanted to see them but for now, I could make more of an attempt to call and email them more often.

When I could afford something I wanted, I realized that I put a lot more thought into it. My decisions were no longer based on an emotional reaction or an impulse. Sure, occasionally, I do act emotionally or impulsively but those instances are becoming a lot less frequent. They are definitely not habitual or routine anymore.


I’ve learned that in many cases my wants can wait.

Looking Good Now

It was a rough couple of years. First there was unemployment, then there was work stress and financial stress and on top of all of that (I suspect) hormonal imbalances to boot. Basically, I’ve packed on the pounds.

I’m working hard at losing the weight but I’m finding that at 43 it’s not quite as easy as it used to be. What’s a girl to do? I work out. I eat less. I’ve eaten mini-meals throughout the day. I’ve starved myself. I’d drank enough water to grow gills. It’s been, and continues to be, a long and frustrating process.

I look in the mirror and wonder, “What happened to Karyn??? She’s disappeared under a sea of fat!” I don’t feel attractive. I don’t feel confident. I certainly don’t feel sexy. And despite my shopaholic tendencies I don’t feel like shopping either. I don’t want to buy clothes in my current size. I don’t want to be relegated to the ‘Womans’ section or Lane Bryant. I want my old body back or a reasonable facsimile.

It’s gotten so bad that I have practically worn out the few fitting clothes I have. I've had no choice but to do a little shopping. So one afternoon, I reluctantly ventured into Ross and approached my size. I headed into the dressing room with a sense of dread, my head hung low. I tried on what I’d picked out and I was horrified … not just by the size but by the unconscious transformation. I picked out frumpy, style-less, bland clothes. When I looked in the mirror, I felt less like me than I ever had before. I heard the ringing. This was my wake-up call.

I am changing. This is true. I am working on losing. I will not be this size and this weight forever. However, I need clothes now and I need to look good in those clothes now. I need those clothes to be a true reflection of me regardless of the size. So I came out of the dressing room handed the stack of bland clothes to the sales lady and made another pass at the racks.

This time I went for bright, rich and vibrant colors, not just the depressing blacks, grays and browns. I was able to find clothes that had more shape and style, not ill-fitting shapeless mumus. When I made the second trip to the dressing room, I fared better. I saw in my reflection clothes that not just fitted but reflected the woman that I am – funny, quirky and upbeat.

I got tons of compliments on two of the sweaters I’d picked out. It felt good, like I had recaptured part of myself I’d let go. I hadn’t realized how much weight had impacted my life. I had stopped feeling good about myself on the inside and it showed on the outside. I promised myself that day in that dressing rooom that it was going to stop.

The destination is important but so is the journey. So on the way to weight loss, I plan on looking and feeling my best. I owe it to myself.

Hurry Up and Wait

When it comes to my work as a trainer and as a life coach, I have the patience of Job. I can go over the same topic again and again and again until a student or client gets it. I can wait until they experience that magical ‘Aha!’ moment when it all comes together. Personally, however, I am as impatient as they come. I don’t want to wait. Ever. For example, when the traffic light turns green, I blast through it leaving the other cars in the dust. Waiting is not my forte.

Yet, I pay a high price for my impatience. I pay that price in the currency of frustration and mistakes made out of haste. I wish I could apply the patience I show professionally, and even personally with others, to myself. When it comes to patience I am definitely a work in progress.

When I am tempted to react impatiently, I try to take a breath and think about all of the times that waiting has paid off. I think about the times I ended up with something better than what I wanted. After my car broke down, I spent a year in a half in a 20-year old car with no air conditioning and no radio. I was miserable in the summer months! I wanted a new car! Yet, after 18-months, I ended up not with the car I wanted but the car that was one grade up from that. Waiting paid off.

I also think about all the times I ended up grateful that I didn’t get what I wanted at the time or when I got what I wanted and would have been better off waiting. I remember jumping into a relationship because I felt I was ready for one. So I jumped into one with the wrong person. Clearly, I’d have been better off if I had wanted and not jumped at the first guy that came along.

I also realize that if I have time to be impatient, I’m probably not focusing on the right thing. Usually, there are some things I can be doing to improve myself, my situation or my outcome. Impatience in those cases is a sign that my focus is off.

Time spent in impatience is time wasted.

Gratitude List

It's impossible to be happy without being grateful. If you think about it, spoiled children (and adults) always seem disgruntled and unhappy because they are ungrateful. They feel entitled, as if they are owed something, and when they get what they think they deserve, they still aren't happy because now they want (deserve and are entitled to) something else. It's an endless cycle of misery.

Yet, if we are grateful - thankful - for what we have, we are then in a position to be happy with what we have. It doesn't mean that we don't want more, but it does mean that we don't spend our time pining away for what we don't have and wishing that what we do have was something else, something better.

It means you can enjoy a ride to work in your car without wishing you were riding in something else and headed somewhere all together different. It means you start a daily scavenger hunt, looking for what is good, what is working and what you can accomplish and enjoy. Gratitude enables you to see the good and the positive without the the tireless focus of what is wrong, broken, and just not good enough that plagues the entitled and ungrateful.

A lot of people advocate keeping a daily gratitude journal where you find something(s) to be grateful for everyday. I think this is an excellent practice. If you aren't up to daily journaling, then take some time during the Thanksgiving holiday to come up with 10 things you are grateful for that have happened in this past year. And, I guarantee, you can come up with 10. I've come up with 20, but I'll share 10 here with you now.

1. Health
2. Incredible vacation.
3. Spent extra time with my dad.
4. Completed several major projects at work.
5. Published two books on Kindle and recently added the paperbacks to Amazon.
6. Relaunched my movie/TV blog and am enjoying writing it.
7. Met a great guy.
8. Reconnected with a few old friends
9. Got back into cooking/baking as a hobby
10. New hairstyle

Nothing earth-shattering but things that have made my life a little better and brighter and for that I am grateful for. An attitude of gratitude can make all of the difference.

Victim or Victor?

The words victim and victor have the same root. The prefix vict means to conquer. Of course, the victor is the one who does the conquering and the victim is the one who is conquered. Two words that are similar in origin but vastly different in meaning.


We often hear about people with a victim mentality. This state of mind is characterized by a sense of helplessness. They feel powerless to change their situations. They engage frequently in the blame game. Since they are powerless and have no control they couldn’t possibly be responsible for anything that happens to them. No, it must be someone else’s fault.


They actively search for reasons why they are in the state they are in. It’s because of their race, gender, their economic status, or sexual orientation. It could be because of their faith, their appearance, or any number of other things; but they can justify their lives and, to be honest, their lack of progress.


You see, victimhood does exactly what the victim thinks it does. It holds the victim back. It prevents them from making progress. However, in many cases, it’s the belief in the victimization itself and not the perceived victimizers that keep people in their place.


By its very nature, victimhood is the antithesis of victory. The victim is the conquered so it shouldn’t be surprising that they don’t share many traits with the victors. In the mind of the victor, blame is replaced by ownership and responsibility. Instead of spending their energy looking for who to blame or finding reasons why they haven’t moved forward, the victor takes responsibility for her situation and spends her energy looking for how to change a situation. They don’t look for excuses; they look for ways to take action.


What makes victimhood even sadder is when you look at how the victim perceives life, as a losing game, a source of oppression, as if everyone is out to get him, you see that this person can’t possibly have a happy and contented life. Sure, no one is happy and contented all of the time, but how is happiness even possible with this thoroughly negative outlook?


Tragically, whether victim or victor, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. It’s the Law of Attraction in action. The one who thinks constantly about defeat and injustice, and blame attracts more defeat, injustice and blame. A setback for a victim who does attempt to move forward is seen as a final defeat. They give up.


Whereas the one who focus is more positive and proactive attracts more positivity and action. Even when they fail, they don’t look for blame, they look for the lesson to learn and they get back up and go at it again. No wonder they end up winning a whole lot more than they lose.

Change Your Definitions

Motivational Speaker and author Tony Robbins tells a very powerful story about two men at a retreat he conducted. The first man was a high-powered CEO and the other a more casual and laid back guy. When Tony asked each person if they were successful, the CEO said no and the laid back guy said yes.

Looking at these two men, everyone assumed that the CEO would surely see himself as a success. He had an eight-figure salary, ran a major corporation and had his own private jet. He was the very definition of success.

When Tony asked the men to define success, the answer became obvious. The CEO fell a little short on the bonus he wanted to make. He hadn’t completed all of the projected he’d wanted to complete and so in his eyes, he was not a success. The laid back guy’s definition was a little simpler. He said, every day he woke up was a successful day. Of course he was a success!

The reason why success and happiness are so elusive is because we make them that way. We think, “I won’t be successful until I make this much money or move into this neighborhood or find a spouse.” “We assure ourselves that we’ll be happy when I lose weight, or when we finish school or when we find a better job.” Tragically, if those things actually come to pass, we find that we still don’t feel happy or successful.

The thing is that we can choose to be successful or happy right now. The truth is that perfection is fleeting and rare. We can be happy now, even if we still have credit card debt or a lousy job. None of that stops us from enjoying what is good and going well in our lives right now.

Maybe success isn’t measured in the amount in your bank account or the ring on your finger or the title of your job. Maybe success can be as putting in a full day’s work or being able to give back to your family and friends. Happiness could be laughing everyday or spending time with family and good friends.

Change your definitions and change your life!

Seizing the Day ... for Couples

A commenter recently asked me an interesting question. She asked, "Any suggestions for your readers who try to seize the day, but their partners don't? How can they make changes in their relationship with the person they love if that person refuses to move forward?"


I would say to seize it anyway. It could be that your partner doesn't think that seizing the day would be worth the effort. Maybe he (or she) thinks enjoyment takes time away from meaningful work. But do what you need to do for you and it's entirely possible that your spouse may come around.

Once he sees how the benefits of seizing and enjoying the day are working for you, he may be willing to give it a try. Like it or not, people are always watching us. Living our truth is the best proof. If you talk about seizing the day but spend that day griping and complaining then those actions, and not your words, will be what people see. If your partner sees you enjoying yourself and really living your words, they might decide to join in.

Involve them in your activities. Find things that you both enjoy and can indulge in together. It's hard to get a guy to go to a chick flick. While that might be your idea of fun, to him, it would be more akin to a seizure than actually seizing the day! LOL! Share in an experience that both of you want to experience together.

Consider his concerns. Maybe he thinks that seizing the day is too time-consuming or expensive. Show him how to seize a few hours instead of a whole day or how to seize the day on a budget.

But. ...

If he doesn't join you, that doesn't mean that you should give up on seizing the day for yourself. Don't let someone else's sour attitude sour yours. Find some ways to seize the day on your own or with other friends or family. Of course we want to experience the best things in life with our partners, but just because they aren't on board doesn't mean you need to jump ship. Your happiness and your peace of mind (and even your health) are at stake and you shouldn't sacrifice those for anyone.

Words of Wisdom

Graduation season is upon us. As students (high school and college) prepare to close one door and walk boldly through another, oftten celebrities are on hand to offer their words of wisdom. Actors, musicians, authors, politicians and comedians who have succeeded in their professions often have some good advice to share. Here are just a few excerpts from past graduation addresses.

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma—which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice."
- Steve Jobs, Standford, 2005

"I think people will remember us for who we were, not how many records we sell, or how much money we make. Because I have always said that I have always counted my blessings far more often than I've counted my money."
- Dolly Parton, University of Tennessee, 2009

""We do not need magic to change the world; we carry all the power we need inside ourselves already: We have the power to imagine better."
- J.K. Rowling, Harvard, 2008



"Wishing for the end to AIDS and extreme poverty in Africa is like wishing that gravity didn't make things so damn heavy. We can wish it, but what the hell can we do about it? Well, more than we think. We can't fix every problem … but the ones we can, we must."
- Bono, University of Pennsylvania, 2004



"You are about to enter the next phase of your life at a time of great uncertainty. You will be called upon to help restore a free market that is also fair to all who are willing to work; to seek new sources of energy that can save our planet; to give future generations the same chance that you had to receive an extraordinary education."
- Barack Obama, Norte Dame, 2009

"For in the final analysis, our most basic common link is that we all inhabit this small planet, we all breathe the same air, we all cherish our children's futures, and we are all mortal."
- John F. Kennedy, American University, 1963


"Life is like one big Mardi Gras, but instead of showing your boobs, show people your brain, and if they like what they see, you'll have more beads than you know what do with."
- Ellen DeGeneres, Tulane University, 2009



"A good person means someone with a good heart, a sense of caring for the welfare of others, a sense of commitment, a sense of responsibility. Education and the warm heart, the compassion heart—if you combine these two, then your education and knowledge will be constructive. Then you are yourself on the way to becoming a happy person."
- Dalai Lama, Emory Univeristy, 1998

Why It's Smart to be Optimistic

I liked this so much, I am reposting it from Reader's Digest.

From Reader's Digest December 2010

Expecting good things can make you healthier and might even lengthen your life, says researcher Suzanne Segerstrom, PhD, author of Breaking Murphy’s Law. Segerstrom is coauthor of a recent review of studies on the benefits of a positive attitude—and has experienced them herself. We asked her about optimism’s principles and payoffs.

1) Feeling well helps when you’re not well. "When researchers look at people who have similar medical conditions, they can predict who’s likely to live longer: the one who feels his health is better. There’s something about that feeling of wellness that’s important, even—maybe especially—if you’re ill. Optimism also seems to help buffer you against stress. I’ve been studying first-year law students for 16 years. That’s a very stressed group, but in my most recent study, each time a student’s optimism increased one point on a five-point scale, his immune response to an injected virus or yeast improved by 20 percent.”

2) Optimism is something you do. “Anxiety and other negative emotions are known to be detri-mental to the body, especially to your cardiovascular and immune systems, and having an optimistic nature seems to protect against those effects.

In addition, research shows that people who are optimistic about their future behave differently. They exercise more, are less likely to smoke, and follow a better diet. And if they get sick, they’re more apt to actively participate in their treatment. I’ve seen that myself—I have back pain from arthritis, but I think my willingness to do whatever it takes has helped a lot.”

3) Not happy? Don’t worry. “Happiness is a feeling; optimism is a belief that aspects of your future will turn out well. Happiness can fluctuate a lot, but an optimistic disposition is usually pretty stable. If you’re not optimistic, you can try creating a ‘positive events’ log. Good things happen to everyone, but pessimists often don’t take notice; spending a few minutes every day writing about at least three positive things may help you expect them more often. Or instead of trying to be optimistic, do what optimists do: Work hard to reach your goals. Each accomplishment should make it easier to be hopeful about the next one.”

Depending on which study you read, optimists …

…are 9 percent less likely to develop heart disease.

…are only 77 percent as likely to be rehospitalized after some types of major surgery.

…have blood pressure that’s five points lower, on average.

…live an average of 9.5 years longer.

Seek and You Shall Find

When quoted in the Bible, Jesus is talking about seeking and finding God, but I've found that it's true in other areas. What we seek, we find.

A friend of mine works in the hosptiality industry and recently ran into one of his most difficult customers. She was literally looking for reasons to be upset. The driver didn't know she was waiting for a ride, so it wasn't a mistake, it was his attempt to "try to make her late." When she didn't get her food fast enough, the wait staff had something against her. And so it went, on and on.

She was looking for problems and she found them at every turn. If she ran into a case where she didn't find a problem, I'd venture to guess that she'd make one up.

Seeking the good means that you will more than likely find the good but it doesn't make you immune to the bad. It does, however, change the way you handle the bad when it occurs.

I spent two years in Los Angeles. I worked as a temp for the majority of the time I was there, but I was always looking for full-time work. At one point, I thought I'd found it. I'd submitted several samples of my writing and had 3 successful phone interviews. In fact, towards the end of the process, phrases like "when you start," and "you're first assignment will be," were used. I just had to have a face-to-face meeting.

Well, it was clear that my potential boss was not expecting an African-American. She saw me in the waiting room (the only one there) and left for several minutes and came back. I think she'd thought that the white Karyn Beach might be in the bathroom! LOL! Well, our interview lasted ten minutes and she never once made eye contact. Of course, I didn't get the job.

So what did I do? I stopped by the Coffee Bean and got my favorite drink (a white chocolate mocha), went back home, wrote a short thank you letter and started looking for jobs again. It was her loss, not mine. She had seen my work and knew what I was capable of and she let something as silly as race keep her from hiring an awesome employee!

Her actions weren't going to keep me from gainful employment. She wasn't a paralyzing defeat or justification for every negative mantra I'd thought to myself over the years. Because I try to focus on the good, I knew that something positive was just around the corner. I just had to find it. She was a small pothole on my road to success.

People who make a habit of seeking the good usually find happiness, friendship, love, success, peace of mind. People who make a habit of seeking the negative usually find drama, hardship, setbacks and sorrow.

Which will you choose?

You're Awesome!

We don't spend enough time accentuating the positive, looking at what's gone right or the challenges we've overcome and the successes we've had. We do this for a number of reasons. We don't want to toot our own horns. We don't want to be accused of being arrogant. There are too many other fires to put out and things that aren't going out right to handle.

While we often feel bad about feeling good about our accomplishments; we don't mind feeling bad about our failures, missteps and mistakes. We view beating ourselves up as a motivator, something that will propel us forward.

Yet, feeling good about your accomplishments leads to confidence, self-assurance and a positive outlook. When we feel good about ourselves, we feel capable of handling whatever comes next.

So go ahead and feel good. You have a lot to feel good about. I'll give you some ideas.

1. Look at how well your kids have turned out.
2. You have great friends who love you.
3. You have had some great work successes
4. You're in a stable relationship.
5. You've made the best of a bad situation.
6. Your boss relies on you.
7. Your co-workers respect you.
8. You have talent.
9. You are creative.
10. You are smart.
11. People are attracted to you.
12. You are dependable and others rely on you.
13. You've weathered a major storm and came out a better person.
14. Your kids think they have a great parent.
15. You're good with money.
16. You give great advice.
17. You look great!
18. You're an optimist.
19. You're faith is strong.
20. Your life is good.

Focus on what is good. Give yourself credit. You might argue with your children or have to punish them but that doesn't mean you aren't a good parent. You might not be a concert pianist but that doesn't mean you don't have a talent for playing the piano.

The goal isn't to look over your life and find perfection. The goal is to look over your life and give yourself credit for your accomplishments and a job well done.

As the puppy says, "Who's Awesome? You're Awesome!" ... and who can argue with a cute puppy?

It's Almost 2011!

My mom died when I was 15, so I must have been about 12 when we had a conversation that has stuck with me for years.

We were talking about driving. I was bursting at the seems to get behind the wheel of a car and four years seemed like an eternity.

My mom laughed and said, "You are in such a hurry. You want to drive. You want to go to graduate from high school and you aren't even there yet! You're already thinking about college. For you, time is moving too slowly; but trust me, once you get around 25, you will be surprised at how time will fly."

I looked at her, as I often did at that age, with a look that said, "I have no idea what you are talking about."

Yet, I often hear her words in my head. It seems like yesterday that we were scared of Y2K. Would the banks lose all of our money? Should we really be storing water and canned goods. Should we just party like it's 1999?

But here we are ... over a decade into "The New Millenium"

In 2011, we will commemorate the 10 year anniversary of 9/11. I remember exactly where I was that day (working in DC from a building where I could see the Pentagon in the distance) and it doesn't seem like it was almost a decade ago.

Whether you make resolutions or not, I think we all need to resolve to savor a little bit more of life in the new year. It passes by too fast to just spend time working, worrying and waiting for something better to come along.

Laugh harder
Love deeper
Dream more
Enjoy more moments
Live fuller!

Be the Change

One of my favorite quotes is from Gandhi, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” I think a lot of times, we want to see the change first, in someone else, before we change. Needless to say, this doesn’t really work.

Case in point: I know a woman who is mean, condescending and downright rude to service people. Yet she is amazed that she has such a difficult time getting the help she ‘deserves.’ She laments to anyone who will listen how stupid and unprofessional most people are (and those are her words, not mine).

As someone who worked in customer service once upon a time, I always try to be kind and considerate to the person on the other end of the phone or the one who stands behind the cash register. Granted, I’ve had some rude customer service people but not nearly as many as this woman.

If she would just change her energy and her demeanor, she’d be surprised at the result.

It goes beyond customer service though. We want our kids to be honest, but we tell little white lies and half-truths in front of them and then get shocked when they lie. We want our spouse to listen to us but when he or she talks, they can barely get a sentence out.

Be the change you want to see.

If you want respect, give it.
If you want kindness, be kind.
If you want to be heard, listen.
If you crave courtesy, show it.

If for no other reason than to show the other person how they should act towards you. We learn a lot more through demonstration and action than we do through just words.

Getting Up Gracefully

One of my most embarrassing moments (and there are many) occurred at IKEA. I was there with my boyfriend at the time. We were heading down the stairs. He was a few steps in front of me when the cute (but clunky) shoes I was wearing caused me to stumble and fall. I fell fabulously down several stairs before grabbing on to Shaun’s leg to break my fall. He turned and looked down at me, apparently unaware of the scene I had just caused.

By this point, people on the stairs had stopped. Some were concerned; others were holding their laughter until they knew I was okay. And, I was. I quickly jumped up, laughed it off and said something about “those darn shoes.”

A physical fall is relatively easy to overcome, but a real fall — a failed relationship, a firing, a divorce, a bankruptcy or foreclosure, an illness or a death can be devastating. Those are falls that can’t be laughed off with a throw-away comment or a quick regaining of composure.

So how do you get back up after taking a demoralizing fall?

First, you feel it. It is not cowardly or weak to cry or get angry or sulk around depressed. In fact, it’s the smartest and strongest thing you can do. Suppressing emotion is not the same as dealing with emotion. Refusing to acknowledge what you are feeling doesn’t make it go away or make you feel it any less. Burying emotion down deep inside of you makes them grow and fester. Eventually they erupt, usually in some unexpected and destructive way. As a coach friend of mine says, “The only way to get through it is to go through it.”

Once you begin to feel a little better, once the heart has had its say, turn it over to the head. That’s right, put on your thinking cap. Ask a few critical questions.

• What can I learn from this?
• What could I have done differently?
• What will I do differently the next time around?

If you learn something from the experience then it is just that — an experience — and not a failure. When people bring up your so-called failure, you can educate them with what you have learned. If you choose to address them at all, some people just aren’t worth the time and the aggravation. Keep your head up and keep moving.

Finally, recognize that you are in good company. The most successful people, from athletes to entrepreneurs to musicians, have all failed and in many times failed gloriously. It isn’t the failure that defines them but the success that came after those ‘learning experiences’.

They came back smarter, stronger and more sure of themselves. And you will too.

Be a Builder

Builders build. That's obvious. Yet all of us have the opportunity to build something truly incredible. We have the opportunity to build up ourselves and those around us. So be a builder!

Be a booster. Be someone who boosts spirits and focuses on the positive. Instead of complaining about problems, focus on finding solutions and overcoming obstacles instead of letting them stop you.

Use your Strengths. Spend your time on the things you do well and are passionate about. Seek out others whose strengths compliment your own.

Inspire and seek inspiration. Surround yourself with people and resources that inspire you: motivational books, inspirational music, people who encourage you to push yourself to do and be more.

Love. Even when you have to criticize or deliver bad news, always do it from a place of love and compassion. Deliver criticism with kindness and tact. Never relish in other people's setbacks.

Decide to Succeed. Commit to your success and the success of those around you. Your commitment will help you bounce back from setbacks and ensure that any failure you suffer will be temporary and not final. Be a builder and create something incredible for yourself.

Winning the Blame Game

I was watching TV and a commercial came on regarding an acne product. It said something to the effect of, “Don’t blame chocolate or fried foods, blame your hormones.” Another commercial, this one for a weight loss product, it said blatantly, “Your weight isn’t your fault”A search of news stories show we are looking to blame somebody for the economy, the recession and the oil spill. Of course, every day there are sports stories blaming some player for their team’s loss.

Outside of making us feel better, what purpose does it serve to stand around and point fingers? “It’s not my fault,” we exclaim. “He did it,” we say as we point an accusatory finger at a co-worker, family member, spouse or friend.

Accountability is part of responsibility and sometimes (the only time I can think of) blaming someone is a way to get them to be accountable for their behavior when they are trying to avoid owning their mistakes.

However, blame gives people an easy out. If it’s not your fault then it’s not in your control. If it’s not in your control then there is nothing you can do about it. If there is nothing you can do about it, then you don’t have any obligation or any need to try to change. If you can blame someone else, somehow, it lets you off of the hook.

It’s comforting to hear that it’s not your fault, but it’s also dangerous. People who have become adept at playing the blame game are people who usually aren’t getting the results they want. Who wants to be with someone who is constantly looking for a reason not to take action or an excuse not to act or for someone to blame. These people aren’t often the ones in line for promotion either.

In my mind, blame is linked with victimhood. A victim is powerless. They have given the power and control to another person or entity. Personal transformation and growth cannot happen if you are looking at the world through gray-tinted victimization glasses.

Instead of wasting precious time pointing fingers and placing blame, spend that time creating solutions and solving problems.

There is no winner when you play the blame game.

LOL Rx

With aspirin, Tylenol and penicillin out there, it might be a bit of a stretch to say that “laughter is the best medicine.” But a good laugh is good for you.




Laughter has been proven to reduce levels of stressful hormones like cortisol, adrenaline and dopamine; while increasing the feel-good endorphins. It also boosts the production of disease-fighting antibodies and T-cells that can boost your immune system.

Like meditation and deep breathing, laughter is another great way to relax and release some tension. Laughter can also help to dull pain.

How to Laugh More

1. Tune into comedies on TV and in Movies
2. Surround yourself with funny friends
3. Spend some time playing with kids (they always do or say something funny)
4. Do soemthing you enjoy, something that puts a smile on your face
5. Get away for a weekend, a day or even an afternoon
6. Learn to the humor in small mundane frustrations whenever possible
   

People who laugh more tend to be more positive, more optimistic and more fun to be around. Laughter also helps you change your perspective and realize that things aren’t always as bad as they seem. Life is a little more bearable when you laugh.

A dose of laughter might not cure the common cold but it can help cure a bad day.

Who You Are Speaks Loudly!

What is the first thing that comes to mind when people think about you? Are you the reliable one, the one people call when they are in a bind? Are you the funny one, known for your quick wit and funny stories? Maybe you are the good listener or the shoulder to cry on.

Or, are you the resident sad sack, always there with a sad story to top the one someone else just shared? Could you be the chronic complainer, the one who is just never satisfied? Maybe you are quick to anger or a drama queen (or king).

How you appear to others matters. It makes a big difference.

If you want to be promoted at work, you need to take a look at the image you are portraying. Does your name immediately come up when the boss is looking for hard workers? If not, ask yourself why, or more importantly, what images do come up when your name is mentioned.

I have several single girlfriends that I wouldn’t hesitate to fix up if I ran into a nice guy. However, there are one or two that I definitely wouldn’t recommend for a blind date or a double date. Frankly, their attitudes and demeanors would reflect negatively on me and I work too hard to let someone else make me look bad.

Everyone talks incessantly about networking, in person or on the Internet. We want to network to get a job, find a mate, and meet new friends, but no amount of networking will help you if the image and energy you are sending out is negative, or the opposite of what you are trying to convey.

You might never set foot on a stage but that doesn’t mean that you aren’t performing in front of an audience. As soon as you leave your home, you are ‘on.’ If you have kids, it’s as soon as you get up!

People are watching you. They notice your attitude, your work ethic, your appearance, and your demeanor. Even if they never say anything to you, they are watching you and making judgments accordingly. Now, that might not seem right or fair but it doesn’t make it any less true.

There is a funny but, oh-so-true saying, “Who you are is speaking so loudly that I can’t hear what you are saying.”

Who are you and what is it that you are saying to others?

Your words matter but who you are and what you do say more about you than words ever can.