Watch What You Say

Your words color your current world and they even predict your future. Since they have that kind of power, it would make sense that we be very careful with the words we choose to describe ourselves and our situations.

Avoid Hyperbole

Hyperbolic language is extreme language. A rainy day becomes a raging storm. A cold become pneumonia. Don’t go overboard in describing your situation. If it really is that bad, by all means, say so. But if it isn’t, don’t go there. A cold is a cold and rain is just rain. Don’t use your words to build up your situation and make it more than what it is.

Making a bad situation worse is a great way to gain sympathy but it is a lousy way to improve a bad situation.

Be Specific

Vague words and sweeping generalizations can make a bad situation worse. You can say “My boss absolutely hated my presentation.” That could be true, but don’t use that sentence if is better conveyed as “My boss liked the presentation but she hated the figures I used to prove my point, she really questioned the numbers.”

Vague and unspecific language can create a paralyzing sense of overwhelm.  Productivity and positivity never arise from overwhelm.

Create Your Reality

Your words matter. If you feel you will never be promoted, you probably won’t be. In fact, if that is your belief and what you are speaking over your life, then your work will probably suffer as well as your attitude.  Believing you will be promoted doesn’t mean you will be promoted, but it does mean you will be more focused, more productive and more positive and that can open doors you may have not considered.

Your words have created a self-fulfilling prophecy. Be careful about what you say. It does matter.

Karyn's Coming Back

I don’t talk a lot about my life because that isn’t the focus of this blog. This has been a difficult year. Coaching is a very part-time endeavor for me and I lost my day job on September 11, 2009. For the first time since high school, I didn’t have a job which sent me into an emotional, financial and physical tailspin.

I did what I could taking action every day contacting temp agencies and head hunters, scouring job boards, networking, trying to drum up freelance writing assignments, and looking for paying coaching clients.

I also reached out to my support system, close friends and several family members, to help me stay focused and get me through the more difficult days. I also started volunteering which helped immensely. It got me out of the house and out of my funk. It got the focus off of me and allowed me to do what I love (training) while helping others. Ironically, I volunteered for a job readiness training program. I was helping others find work!

Despite these positive efforts, this had still been an exceedingly difficult year, the hardest of my adult life. I would love to be the perfect coach and tell you that I didn’t cry a lot and that I never worried or threw myself a few big ole pity parties but I’d be lying.

I did all of those things … a lot. I also stopped doing a lot of self-care. I snapped back into an old habit of emotional eating. My workouts became haphazard as my insomnia kicked in. I was depressed. I was upset. I was frustrated and it took its toll.

Fortunately, after almost 10 months, I found work. I started at the end of June. However, I quickly realized that having a job that I enjoyed (and a decent paycheck) was just the beginning. There was (and is) definitely a light at the end of this long tunnel but right now it’s still pretty far away.

I have nine months of extra debt to dig myself out of. And, right now, I’m emotionally exhausted. It is just about all I can do to keep my blogs and newsletter up and running. Being a Google Girl, I looked up remedies for emotional exhaustion and I didn’t like what I found. Everything reinforced the importance of ‘self-care’ – eating right, sleeping, moderate exercise and making time for relaxation. I couldn't find a quick and easy fix and that is what I was wanted!

So a couple of weeks ago, I got tired of being tired. I made my self-care a priority again. I started drinking my water, getting my fruits and vegetables in and making a good nights sleep a priority. I started back to daily exercise and even added in some time in the morning for prayer and mediation.

Here it is two weeks later and I have to tell you, I am feeling better. I am sleeping better. I'm looking better. And I’m not as tired as I was. I am writing this to tell you that self-care really does make a difference! It works!

I’m not out of the woods yet. I do find myself worrying some time and other times I feel completely overwhelmed, but those times are becoming fewer and further between. Slowly, but surely, I’m beginning to feel like I can do this. I’m feeling like myself again and that feels good.

Shameless Plug

The Lose the Excuses website has undergone a face lift. You may have noticed that the design of the blog changed a few weeks ago. I made that change to reflect some of the changes that were coming with the website.

With the new website you can:

• Purchase several hand-picked products designed to help you save time, eat healthier, exercise or set goals.
• Read the blog and the newsletters
• Participate in the Lose the Excuses Community message board

In the fall, I'll be launching several email coaching programs in addition to my one-on-one coaching.

Check out the site! Lose the Excuses

Tell your friends! : )

Lose the Assumptions

You know that I am all about losing the excuses, but losing the assumptions is equally as important. Assumptions, like excuses, keep us firmly tethered to where we are right now. They affect our ideas of who we are and who we can be at a very basic level.

Some of our assumptions are based on ‘fact’ or past events. You can assume that your procrastinating boss will have you working late, and maybe even over the weekend, to complete the project on time. You can assume that your drama queen best friend will freak out when you tell her that you’ll be out of town for her birthday.

Yet, there are a number of assumptions we take for granted and those are the most dangerous kind. You might assume that:
You can’t find a job in this economy.
Your options are dramatically limited because of your race/gender/orientation.
You’re not attractive or thin enough to find love.
Your economic circumstances can’t or won’t change.

Like excuses, assumptions have you defeated even before you’ve started running the race. I have a friend who stays in a thankless job with no upward mobility and no real financial mobility (she’s at the top of her pay grade) because assumes that her lack of a four-year degree will keep her from getting another job. She doesn’t know this to be true. She hasn’t looked for work since she got her current job six years ago; so she really doesn’t know if it’s true. Hence, it’s an assumption.

I know several women right around 40, who look at the statistics and automatically assume that they will never marry. So they don’t even try to date – al possibility based on an assumption.

Other assumptions keep us from seeing the truth. I know one person who assumes that he is consistently passed over for a promotion because of his race. By accepting that assumption as truth and not looking for more objective criteria, he doesn’t see how his attitude and work ethic are impacting him more than his race is. The irony is that in his mind, his assumption is correct, because the end result seems to ‘prove’ him right.

Take an honest look at what you are assuming and you’ll find that your assumptions usually aren’t based in truth. They are just ‘excuses’ that keep you from taking chances. They encourage you to play it safe, and safe rarely leads to success.

What assumptions do you need to lose?

It's Not an Option

Resignation isn't always about quitting your job. No, I’m talking about resignation as it relates to a specific state of mind. When you are resigned to something, you throw your hands in the air and sigh. Dictionary.com describes resignation as “an accepting, unresisting state; submission; acquiescence.” In other words, it’s ‘giving up.’

I know a number of people who are miserable. They stay in jobs they hate, relationships they loathe, or are just in situations that they do not want to be in. Their response to their circumstances is resignation.

• “At least I have a job.”
• “You know, someone is better than no one.”
• “Well, what can I do?”

Yes, it’s a blessing of sorts to have a job in a stagnant economy but does that mean that you don’t even try to find something different, something better? Hiring may have slowed dramatically but there are still jobs out there. But, you won’t find them if you don’t look.

As my dad told me many years ago, when you stay with the wrong person, you are denying yourself the opportunity of meeting the right one. Is being miserable worse than being alone for a moment?

You can always do something. In my book, you have to do something. Doing nothing and letting life happen to you is not and should not be an option. If your relationship is on the rocks, you work on it or you leave. If your job isn’t working out, you at least start looking for something else.

The bottom line is that you are in control of your life. You have to take the reins. Your boss won’t do it. Your spouse won’t do it. As much as they would like to your parents and your family can’t do it. It’s up to you.

You can pray about it. You can meditate about it. You probably should do those things but you can’t get off your knees, sit on your sofa and expect a miracle. Yes, miracles happen – God can turn rivers red, speak through a burning bush and walk on water. But most of the time, God, Spirit, the Infinite Universe or Fate (whatever image works for you) works miracles though people and situations.

Resign those feelings of resignation. Lose the excuses. Get off your behind. And make things happen.

Lose the Excuses!

There is a reason that my website and my blog are called lose the excuses. The concept is a simple one: stop coming up with excuses why you can’t, haven’t or won’t do something and do it. No one is perfect. We all come from dysfunction, we all have shortcomings, we all have failures and we all have hindrances, but so what? Successful people, happy people aren’t perfect people; they have as much going against them as the rest of us. They made a decision to lose the excuses and do it anyway.

Poverty is not an excuse. Race is not an excuse. Sexual orientation and gender aren’t excuses. Coming from a poor school district or a single parent family is not an excuse. I can point to any number of successful people who have started the race with those same handicaps and still managed to win.

With the compassion of a loving parent, we have to hold one another to a higher standard. We have to expect more. Over the weekend, I worked with a group of young people (ages 13-15). My focus was to talk to them about consequences. I gave them a number of situations and asked what they would do – if they saw someone drop a wallet, if a friend wanted them to shoplift or if a younger sibling was blamed for something they did. To make a very long story very short, the majority of them consistently chose the path with the negative consequence – taking the wallet, shoplifting and even letting the little brother or sister take the blame.

When pressed for answers as to why they made those choices, I heard a lot of excuses. And, the scary part is that I also heard a lot of resignation. These were poor African-American kids and they told me that since they were poor and African-American, not a lot was expected of them. In fact, some told me that a few teachers and even parents expected them to do what most would call the wrong thing.

One boy recounted a teacher as saying that he’d “never amount to anything.” These kids were being taught from an early age to embrace the excuses. They were being taught to define themselves by the excuses and to identify with the excuses.

Tragically, the cycle continues.

If we want to break the cycle, we can’t do the same thing. Business as usual will not suffice. We need to hold people to a higher standard regardless of their race, income level, personal situation or any other artificial limitation.

Losing the excuses is the first step in creating a life based on your terms, your goals and your dreams.

Shameless Plug

I love New Year's! It's a new beginning and a new start and there is a real feeling of optimism in the air. That's why people set resolutions, or at least that's why I think they do. They want to make the most of the fresh start the New Year affords them. But then, something happens.

In doing a little research I found that less than half of people (about 45%) make resolutions. A generation or two ago, that percent was has high as 88%. So what happened?

Resolutions, like the road to Hell, is paved with good intentions. But good intentions don't often lead to real results. So by the end of the month, many people have given up on their resolutions. Don't believe me? Try going to a gym in mid-January. It's packed! By mid-February, you have no problem getting on your favorite treadmill!

There are three main reasons why resolutions don't stick.

Lack of a game plan. Losing weight. Stopping smoking. Getting a new job. All of these are possible but none are plausible without a real plan, a strategy. Even something as simple as spending more time with the kids or the hubby won't happen without some planning.

Lack of motivation. Some resolutions make the list just because you think they should be there. For example, smoking. You know it's bad for you. You know you shouldn't do it. So you make a resolution to stop it. There's one problem ... you still really enjoy smoking. More importantly, if you are honest with yourself, you don't feel like going through the enormous tasks of stopping. So you give up for a hot minute and then you start again.

Lack of discipline. To me, this is also related to motivation. They say discipline is what keeps you going when the initial enthusiasm wears off. The ability to "just do it" or "do it anyway" is discipline. To me, it's easier to maintain discipline when you have a goal that motivates you.

I've developed a 90-minute seminar called Feelin' Fine in 2009! In less time than it takes to watch a movie and for less than it cost for dinner and a movie, participants can hang up the phone at the end of the call, and have three goals they they are excited about achieving and a plan to make it happen.

Check it out for yourself at Feelin' Fine in 2009.

Make 2009 your best year yet!

Curb Level Aspirations

Recently, I’ve had the misfortune of dealing with a young man in my neighborhood who doesn’t have any respect for boundaries or for other people. Without going into too much detail, the police have been called twice. I now am forced to walk my dog with a leash in one hand and a can of pepper spray in the other while constantly looking over my shoulder.

When the police asked me to press charges, after the second incident, I did. Several people applauded me for taking a stand but I also got several responses that were unexpected and disheartening. I “shouldn’t be so eager to put another young black man into the system,” they said, as they sympathetically attempted to argue his side. Basically, since I wasn’t raped or beaten, I should cut him some slack. I don’t agree.

People should be accountable for their actions. The fact that there was a second incident more egregious than the first after the police had been called once already said it all to me. He has shown absolutely no remorse. In fact, he seems to think he’s entitled to trespass on my property and violate my personal boundaries.

I am not without compassion, but compassion shouldn’t be expected, it should be earned. What’s sad is that so many people assume that this boy can’t do any better and that he deserves a second, and a third and a fourth chance. I wonder what it would take for them to side with me? A severe beating? A rape? A murder?

You’ve heard it a thousand times, but it is true. No one rises to low expectations. I expect more from my neighbor. I expect him to act with courtesy and respect. I expect him not to engage in inappropriate behavior. I expect others to stand by me and demand more from this young man.
As a community, we have to demand more from ourselves and from each other. Life is hard. In some cases, it’s downright tragic but none of that gives people carte blache to act like a fool. It is not okay to violate another person. It is not okay to help yourself to someone else’s property. If we want more for ourselves, if we want more from our families, if we want more from our communities, we have to demand it and accept nothing less.

Young black men (or any men) don’t have to go to jail. It is not inevitable – neither is a life of crime or a life colored by poverty and despair.It’s not easy but we can overcome. As Obama would say, “Yes, we can!”

I hope my ordeal with this young man is over. I hope he learns several lessons from all of this. I hope he learns to have respect for other people. I hope he learns that there are consequences for every action – good and bad. I hope both he and his parents take this as a wake-up call and see this as an opportunity to do and be better. I hope this is the last time his name is uttered by the police.

I hope he sets his sights higher than the gutter and higher than curb level.

Lose The Excuses: "I Don't Have the Money"

Money woes, money woes.
We watch money come,
Then we watch it go!

Outside of time, the biggest set of excuses that most people have concern money. Money can’t buy happiness or love (as the Beatles once sang); but let’s be honest, it can make some things a lot easier and managing it correctly can alleviate a lot of stress.

Having more money would make goals like buying a home, starting a business or returning to school possible. More money means more opportunities. Having more also can mean breathing a little easier. Your heart won’t race when the phone rings. You won’t wake up in the middle of the night wondering how you are going to pay on your credit cards and your car by the end of the week.

Money woes, especially in today's economy, are real and are definitely challenging but they are not insurmountable. To quote Dr. Phil, you have to start by ‘getting real.’ I know, believe me I know, how easy it is to live in denial. If you don’t know the depth of your debt somehow it seems easier to manage. But nothing could be further from the truth.

If money is what’s stopping you from reaching your goals, you have to get real and you have to get creative. For goals like home ownership or college, money is a reality. Find out where you are financially right now by boldly confronting your bills and finding what you owe. Then you can make a plan, if you can’t do it on your own, enlist the help of a financial planner whose job is helping you reach your financial goals.

You will have to start small but those small changes will yield big results IF you stick with it. Getting creative is just that. Think of non-traditional ways you can begin to reach your goals.

Can you take classes at the community college? Are there any one-day seminars that fit your budget? Can you go over to the college and find out what books they are using in the classes you are interested in and buy a used copy? Is there someone who is working in your field who you can work with as a mentor?

For a home, investigate grants and loans and first-time buyer programs, talk to several realtors and mortgage loan officers to find out about buying a home with as little as possible down.

As a business start-up, find ways that you can start small. Can you find college kids or recent grads to help you? What business grants are out there? Have you made an appointment to talk to someone at SCORE? They are a group of retired executives you can go to for free to discuss your business.

For other goals like getting in shape, losing weight, learning how to cook, taking up a hobby, money, or the lack thereof, is an excuse. Start where you are. Use the Internet, use the library, use your friends as resources to help get you started.

What creative ways have you found to get around the obstacle of not having enough cash?

Michael Jordan Wants You to Lose the Excuses!

My friend and fellow blogger Kim Crouch sent me a link to a new Michael Jordan Nike commercial. The basketball legend and one of the greatest players in the history of the game has a commercial that talks about the hard work and discipline it took to make "Michael Jordan."

Success is never without failure. MJ was cut from his high school team sophomore year. Yet, that failure made him work harder. He didn't use it as an excuse to give up. He used it as a motivation to get better.

Likewise, every overnight sensation took years to get there. Talk to any 'one-hit wonder,' and they'll tell you of the years of bad auditions, all the songs that didn't become hits and playing to audiences of one.

People who have experienced success aren't people who never failed. They are people who made a different decision after they failed. They decided to get up and try again, and again and again.

Want a dose of motivation: Check the video out for yourself. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=woOu_4l3lio

Lose the Excuses: "I Don't Have Time"

Time. I know. I know. You don't have enough of it. Between the kids, the carpool, the job, the commute, the cooking, the cleaning, the in-laws, the neighbors, the dog, and the cat, there simply isn't any time left for you. Or is there?

Let's say, it's 9:15 on a Monday morning. As you sip your coffee, you review your week. It's packed. Meetings to attend. Presentations to make. Reports to complete. Interviews to conduct. There are kids to carpool. Practices to attend. A recital. A game. A birthday party to plan. A networking event you helped coordinate and a potluck that popped up at the last minute. Plus there is shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, church, other family obligations, cars that need to be serviced and the list goes on and on. Every day this week is full and that includes the weekend!

Five minutes later, the phone rings. It's Stacy London co-host of What Not to Wear. Instead of bringing you to New York City for a week, she's coming to your town tomorrow. And, it gets better, instead of giving you a $5,000 shopping spree, she's coming with $10,000. The catch is that you have to do it tomorrow and they need you all day.

I'm willing to bet that you would find a way to make it happen.

You would delegate. You would enlist the help of co-workers, husband and even kids to move some of that stuff off of your place.

You would say no. You would turn down the offer to help with another potluck for work. You would tell another parent that you could not do the carpool this week.

You would focus. You would get twice as much work done in half the time by minimizing the interruptions and cutting out a lot of the small talk and extra fluff.

You would get organized. You'd pull out the planner and get busy rescheduling, planning, and coordinating your days.

You might even change your schedule. You would be willing to get up a little bit earlier or stay up a bit later to get it done.

The fact of the matter is that you would make it happen because the end result - a $10,000 shopping spree is important to you. Not doing it would not be an option.

Are the things you want important enough to you? You can start delegating, saying no, getting organizing and focusing right now. If it's important enough, you can find the time.